Surrender Your Love

Chapter 19

I woke up to an empty bed and a warm yet slightly sore sensation in my lower body. My arm stretched out to the imprint on Jett’s pillow and touched the place where he had been sleeping a few hours ago. We had a written understanding, which included no clause on romance and intimacy. Hence, falling asleep in Jett’s arms had been strange, if not to say scary, because deep down I knew this wasn’t part of the deal. In the end, when his breathing had flattened and his muscles had become limp, I just rolled with it, thinking one night wouldn’t hurt.

I had been wrong.

Bad move, Stewart.

Because, as I lay on my back, staring at my reflection in the oversized mirror above my head, I could see something in my eyes that hadn’t been there before.

I was beginning to like him—everything about him. His body, his touch, his smile, his way of talking, and him as a person. Usually, when that happened in the past, I ran as fast as I could, leaving my feelings and the person behind. What I saw in my eyes was an unwillingness to run. For some reason I wanted to stay and see where it might take me.

“It’s not going to take you anywhere because nothing’s happening,” I mumbled to myself, jumping out of bed annoyed. I had never fallen for anyone, and I wouldn’t let it happen now. I had liked Sean, but I wasn’t in love with him. I never was with anyone. Sure Jett was handsome, witty, and amazing in bed, but he was also the kind of guy you had fun with, not the one you brought home to meet the parents. When I signed the contract I knew what I was getting myself into.

I headed for my room to take a quick shower, brush my teeth, put on a clean pair of jeans and a shirt, and then joined him downstairs in the kitchen. He was leaning against the open balcony door, holding a cup of steaming coffee, his back turned to me. A warm morning breeze wafted in, carrying the sylvan scent of damp wood and blossoming flowers. He had slipped into a pair of blue jeans, but his back was naked—all flexed muscles under flawless, bronze skin. For a split second I just stood there watching him—mesmerized. I wondered how he would behave after our first night together. Would he bolt? Would he keep his distance? Pretend like nothing happened?

Lost in thought he didn’t hear me, so I cleared my parched throat and took a step forward, watching him intently as he turned. For a brief second I caught a dark shadow in his eyes, and then it dissipated into appreciation, as though he liked what he saw, and a lazy grin spread across his beautiful lips.

“Good morning, gorgeous.” His dark hair framed his face in a disheveled way that invited me to run my fingers through it. His voice was raw and sexy, rich with lust, just like his electrifying eyes. He reached me in two long strides and wrapped his arm around me, pulling me against his strong chest. My breasts rubbed against him, and the air charged between us.

He handed me his mug of coffee and watched me take a sip. It was black and unsweetened, just the way I preferred it. No one I knew had their morning coffee this way.

“Thanks.” I handed the mug back to him. His arm remained wrapped around me as he took a sip and then handed it back to me. It was such a simple yet intimate gesture that it threw me off balance. I don’t know why my mind made such a big deal out of it, but somehow, the way we shared this cup of coffee made my heart beat just a little bit faster and turned my smile just a little bit wider.

Post-coital bliss.

“I figured it’s the way you’d drink it,” Jett said.

“Why?”

“Because it’s the way I drink it.”

I peered up at the nonchalant expression on his face. Was he suggesting that we had lots of things in common? I wanted to ask, but decided against it. Did it really matter what he thought? In a few weeks, we’d be done shagging this insane attraction and lust out of each other, and then we’d move on as planned. No feelings whatsoever. Maybe we’d stay friends, and maybe not. It didn’t matter either way. I intended to enjoy it as long as it lasted.

“Slept well?” Jett asked, changing the subject. I nodded. ‘Good’ was an understatement. Cradled in his arms, I hadn’t slept this well in years. “You said something in your sleep.” His tone changed slightly and I instantly froze.

“What?” I asked warily.

His eyes bore into me with such intensity I feared they could penetrate years of steel and rake through my soul. “You said, ‘please don’t hurt me’.”

A cold shudder of dread rushed down my spine and turned my insides as cold as ice. The sudden urge to free myself from his embrace and get the hell away from him overwhelmed me. And yet, years of calculated planning kicked in, and I didn’t move an inch. Jett wasn’t the first man to come close to the truth, and he wouldn’t be the last. No need to panic. I had enough experience to deal with this.

I drew a long, silent breath to steady my nerves and clutched at the coffee mug just a little bit tighter while hiding my hands from his view, so he wouldn’t notice the white knuckles. “It was just a nightmare. I don’t really remember it.”

But I did. Vivid and cold in all its glory.

“Do you have those often?” His scrutinizing gaze brushed over my face, and his expression changed to brazen interest.

“Not really.”

I did, almost every night for the past twelve years. Twelve years of blaming and self-hate, of wishing I could turn back the clock and do things differently.

Jett hesitated. He didn’t believe a word I said.

Shit.

He was growing suspicious. I could see it in his intense gaze and worried frown.

“Did someone hurt you?”

“What?” I laughed, and almost choked on the sudden tears blurring my vision. “No, of course not. I told you it was just a dream. Just leave it at that.”

His shoulders remained tense and he didn’t look away. He didn’t even blink.

Double shit.

I knew my words came out all defensive and incriminating the moment he nodded slowly, as though I had just confirmed his suspicions. The vein in his right temple began to throb visibly beneath his skin. His jaw set and his eyes blazed with anger. I knew that look. It was the same look the police officer gave me the moment he told me they wished they could help, but it was probably too late.

I hated that look and everything it implied. You couldn’t change the past, no matter how hard you tried to shake at the gates of your life. People kept saying time heals all wounds, but in my case the memories buried deep within my soul never stopped torturing me with their vivid pictures and hurtful words.

So all that remained was me pretending it never happened. I had been trying that for years and almost succeeded, until a card popped up in the mail a few weeks ago, and turned my carefully planned lie of a life upside down.

“Who was it?” Jett asked softly, his voice barely able to contain his anger.

I shook my head. “No one.”

“Who was it?” he repeated more demanding. His index finger moved beneath my chin and forced my eyes to meet his. I searched his gaze, expecting anger and pity. The anger was there, but there was no hint of pity. Whatever he thought had happened to me, he also thought I was strong enough to deal with it.

Under his scrutinizing gaze the memories began to rush through my head, and a bolt of pain headed straight for my heart. I had pushed them deep inside the pits of my soul for so long, entombing them beneath layers of concrete and steel. But now the dam was about to erupt.

Shit and shit again.

“Please, don’t do this.” My whisper was so low I doubted Jett had heard it. Breaking free from his embrace, I dashed out into the backyard, eager to put as much physical and emotional distance between Jett and me as possible. I slumped down on the bench and pulled my legs to my chest. The warm breeze dried my moisture-stained cheeks, and I only now realized I was crying. I wiped at the tears hastily, angry with myself that I talked in my sleep, angry with Jett that he had to bring it up, angry with the world that shit happened and no one ever tried to stop it.

As I forced air into my lungs I began to rock back and forth, silently begging Jett to let it be, but I knew he wasn’t the type to turn his back on a woman.

“Brooke?” His voice reached me a moment before he appeared around the corner, his eyes burning with worry and determination.

“Leave me alone.” My demand was a feeble one; certainly not firm enough to fool anyone with a morsel of common sense. I had never talked to anyone. For some reason I wanted to talk to him; I just needed a few more minutes to gather my strength and exhume a past that had almost destroyed me once.

Jett’s arms moved around my back and he pressed my head against his hard abdomen, rocking me like you’d rock a child. “It’s okay.” His words were meant to soothe me, but they only managed to stir up another wave of anger.

“It’s not. It never will be.”

“Tell me about it.” He sat down beside me and pulled me in his arms. I cradled my head in the hollow of his shoulder and took deep breaths to steady myself for what was to come. Maybe it was the silence of the countryside and the serenity of the landscape. Maybe it was the fact that I was far away from home and the demons of my past. Or maybe it was his determined presence and the fortitude he seemed to exude from every pore. Whatever it was, it made both the words and my tears flow.