Chapter Eighteen
A good twenty minutes passed before Bradley came out onto the porch where I sat.
Taking a seat next to me on the swing, his hand stole over mine and closed his fingers around it, trying to make it impossible for me to get up and walk away.
I refused to look at him, continuing to gaze off into the distance.
After a few moments, he sighed. “I don’t know why you’re so angry.”
“Really?” That was enough to make me turn and glare at him. “Did you see their faces? Nobody should look at their living, breathing relative and appear as if they’ve seen a ghost. You should’ve visited them years ago.”
“It’s not that simple—“
“Yeah, Bradley, life is that simple. You’ve had twelve years to come here.” I yanked my hand out of his and stood up. “My heart didn’t break for you in there. It broke for them. You weren’t the only one in pain. You weren’t the only one who lost someone. Only they didn’t just lose their daughter-in-law and grandson, they lost their son at the same time.”
“Lucy, we’re not going to argue about this here.”
“Yes, we are.” I walked over to the railing and peered out, unable to even look at him. “Apparently, there is never a good time to discuss things with you, so now is as good a time as ever.”
He didn’t say anything for so long, I looked back thinking he had left, but he hadn’t. He sat there, staring off into the distance, reminding me of the day he proposed. I turned back around and spoke.
“I’m angry because I thought I was marrying one type of man, only to feel as if you’re really another in hiding.” When he didn’t say anything, I kept going. “I married you because I loved you. That was stupid. You were broken a long time ago, and you tried to use me to fill in that empty space, but it won’t work Bradley. You’ve never dealt with their deaths. You changed your last name! What the f*ck did that accomplish by the way? You kept your distance, you won’t get rid of the house you lived in, you paid me to be your companion and had all these stupid rules. Did they really protect you?”
I laughed and shook my head, not even daring to look at him because I felt like I’d lose my resolve to tell him how I felt.
“You were angry at me the moment you found out I spoke to your mother, but you came here anyway. ‘I never do anything I don’t want to do’ — that’s what you told me when I questioned you about marrying me. You wanted to come here, so why didn’t you? Instead, you make me feel guilty for pushing you into it, but that’s what you wanted isn’t it? Someone to make you. How childish!”
“Lucy—“
“No!” I whirl around and leaned against the rail, tears streaming down my face as I finished what I had to say. “What do you see when you look at me Bradley? Do you see me, Lucy, or do you see someone who will never be the family you lost because you haven’t let them go?”
“What kind of question is that?” He stood up, and before I could move, trapped me against the railing with an arm on each side of my body. “I see you. I’ve always seen you. I’m not delusional, I just…I never dealt with my grief.”
“Finally. An honest answer—”
“I’ve never been dishonest with you.” His words cut through mine, rough and harsh. “I didn’t tell you about my son before we got married, and I’m sorry, but I blamed myself for his death and…and hers. I continue to blame myself. I punished myself and I knew it was wrong, but I did it anyway. I still do it. I should’ve seen how much pain my wife was in—“ His eyes watered as he removed his gaze from mine, staring off once more into the distance, his jaw tight. “My parents always knew it wasn’t them I punished, but myself. They wanted to come see me many times, but I always used work as an excuse. I wanted to forget they died so I focused on work, and it became my whole f*cking world because doing my job became the one thing I could control.”
He didn’t look back at me, and even though our bodies touched, I never felt as far away from him as I did in that moment. But I could see how such a thing would affect a man like Bradley, who needed to have control and yet, end up having none. End up losing two people he loved more than anything else while he was away from home, trying to figure out a way to ease his wife’s burden.
“Ten years, Bradley,” I whispered, and he turned his face back to mine. “Then all the sudden you decide…what? You’ll just pay someone to keep you company? Why then? Why me?”
“Loneliness.” He leaned into me, lifting a hand up to cup my cheek, frowning. “I work and slept. The years passed by fast, and on the day of what would’ve been my sons thirteenth birthday, I realized how empty my life was. I signed up for the site because I didn’t know how much I could handle, but thought even the company of a woman who needed a little help financially might ease my pain.” He smirked, although it was more sad than amused. “I avoided women, not including Amanda, completely. I laughed when you told me what those women said at the charity because I’d heard the rumors for years. My nickname at work is ‘Ice King’ — I’m not kidding.”
“You could’ve explained…”
He shook his head, mouth twisting as he shoved his other hand through his hair. “No, I couldn’t. What would I say? ‘I’m sorry, but my wife killed our son, then killed herself, and took my heart with her’? Or tell them how I stopped feeling human, and only continued with my life because I wanted to save others like I couldn’t save them?”
My heart squeezed at that. It all made sense now, but he was mistaken about one thing. “She didn’t take your heart with her, Bradley. It might’ve broken and froze in it’s million pieces, but it’s still there. I know; I’ve seen glimpses of it.” Touching him still wasn’t an option. I didn’t know where we would go from here, but I knew one thing needed to happen. “You need therapy. You need to talk to someone, Bradley. You have to let go and stop blaming yourself.”
“Talking won’t help. I went after it happened, made it through my fellowship, and went a bit more when I moved for my job.” He pulled me into a hug, and knowing he needed the comfort, I didn’t stop him. “I know I need to go into the house, I need to get rid of it. I need to go to their graves and…I don’t know. I don’t know the answers.” He sighed, running a hand down my hair, and kissed my neck. “As for when I met you, I never knew it would go this far. I just wanted some company; I wanted to connect with someone I didn’t have to work with or see on a daily basis, and who didn’t know what happened.”
“You had to know this would happen when you asked me to marry you. Did you think I wouldn’t find out?”
“Honestly, I didn’t think about it.” He draws his head back until our faces are inches apart, our lips nearly meeting. “I wanted more and knew the only way that would happen is to marry you.”
Tears pricked my eyes as I asked the question I needed an answer to the most. “Out of everyone you could’ve picked, why choose me? You wanted to help someone, you said that, while you helped yourself. Did you just feel sorry for me or what?”
“God, no.” Pressing a soft kiss against my lips, he held himself there for a moment before pulling back. “Your profile caught my eye. I hadn’t contacted anyone before writing you, even though lots of women wrote me trying to tell me what they thought I wanted to hear. Then, I saw the picture of you, read your profile, and knew you were perfect. Your answers were so open and honest.” He chuckled, eyes crinkling at the corners as he stared into mine. “I read so many profiles, but that’s how I knew you weren’t a pro. I wanted real, and real is exactly what you’ve always been.”
“You hurt me,” I said softly as a tear slid down my cheek at his words. “This is the first time you’ve been this close to me in a week. You’ve been distant, doing to me what you’ve done to your family all these years, only you couldn’t ignore me. I wasn’t going away.”
“And I don’t want you to go away.” Sliding his hand up from my cheek into my hair, he clutched some with his fingers, tugging my head back to bare my neck as he spoke between gentle kisses. “I’m sorry. I was angry at myself, not you.” His free hand slipped down to my leg, then up and under the skirt of my sundress. “I’ve missed touching you. Please forgive my stupidity.”
His hand slipped between my legs as our mouths met with a mutual moan in the surrounding darkness. Apologizing with his mouth, teasing with his hand, and little by little, easing the ache in more ways than one. I wanted to stay angry, but I couldn’t. His pain went deeper than I could imagine, and for better or worse, helping him deal with his grief was part of my duty as his wife too.
I giggled into his mouth as my stomach grumbled and placed my hands on his chest, pulling my mouth away from his. “I’m hungry.”
Perfect timing since someone cleared their throat from over near the door.
Bradley kept his body close to mine and I dropped my hands as he inquired, “Yes?”
“Dinner’s waiting.”
It was his sister, and she didn’t wait for us to respond before going back into the house, the screen door banging into the frame.
I let out a whistle, and in an effort to bring a little levity to the situation, joked, “Looks like you got some ‘splainin to do.”
He busted out laughing at my reference to I Love Lucy, kissing me a final time before taking my hand in his and leading us inside more united than when we first arrived.