Five
Learning to – Be
Cooper took me by the hand, “Come on.”
“Where are we going?”
“Somewhere.” He led me to his car.
I was hesitant, I admit. The expression on my face must have made it pretty obvious. My hesitance came more from a place of wanting to be around to him, and needing not to be. I needed to put some space between Cooper and myself, because it was hard to breathe around him, and yet, it was the only time I actually felt alive.
“You’ll just have to trust me,” he said, looking at me through the corner of his eye. I must have been looking at him like he had two heads or something. “Relax,” he said, “I’m getting you out of the house.”
“Okay. But I’m warning you, I know how to kickbox, so I can defend myself if I have to,” I said matter-of-factly. I was actually going for playful banter in an effort to redeem myself from before, but clearly I had no idea what I was doing.
Cooper opened the car door for me and looked at me with intrigue. “That’s good to know, Miss Grayson. I think I’m impressed.” He closed the door after I got in and I saw a huge smile stretch across his face as he made his way to his side of the car.
I wasn’t sure where the time had gone. It was getting late in the afternoon already, however, the sun wouldn’t set for a couple more hours still. Summer days in the south tended to be long.
Cooper looked over at me. “What kind of music do you like? I’ll let you pick the radio station.”
“Wow, relinquishing power of the music we listen to over to me? You’re awfully brave,” I teased.
“I’ll risk it,” he said, backing out of the driveway.
I began looking for something I liked. As soon as I turned up the volume I heard Mumford and Sons’ ‘The Cave,’ so I did what anyone with good taste in music would do – I turned it up. Loud.
“Mumford and Sons. Nice.” Cooper turned toward me. “You a fan?”
“Absolutely,” I said. “I love their music.”
“See, I knew I could trust you with the radio. Who else do you like?”
“My taste in music is pretty eclectic. I started listening to Matt Nathanson a lot lately. I’m now a huge fan. I also love Lynyrd Skynyrd, Jason Mraz, Gavin Degraw, the Civil Wars, Kings of Leon, Ed Sheeran, Linkin Park, and the Goo Goo Dolls. But, not to be too predictable, I also like classical music, and some country. Dolly Parton is hilarious. Have you heard The Alabama Shakes’ song ‘Hold On’?”
“Wow,” he said. “That’s the most animated I’ve seen you since we met. I like it. And to answer your question, I have not heard that particular song. I’ll definitely have to check it out.” He seemed pleased, and nodded in an approving fashion.
It felt good to finally relax and just be… me. I had forgotten what it felt like. Grief had held me down and consumed me for so long, in that moment I felt lighter for the first time in a long time.
“Where are we going?” I asked, glancing out the passenger window.
“Nowhere in particular. No place to be, unless there’s somewhere you want to go?”
“No, nowhere sounds good.”
His eyes were soft when he glanced my way. “Good, I was hoping you would say that. Although, I do have this one place in mind that I would like to take you. I think you’ll like it.” He stole another glance at me then raised one eyebrow. “That is, if you’re comfortable that I’m not trying to kidnap you or anything.”
“I looked at him intently, attempting to detect some kind of mean bone or something. Not finding anything obvious, I said, “Okay, but I’ve got my eye on you Mr. Hudson.” Well, it was kind of true. I did have my eye on him, but definitely not because I was afraid of him, although, he did scare me, but for other reasons entirely.
“Noted,” Cooper said. “I certainly wouldn’t want to get kicked in the face or anything so I will be on my best behavior. I promise.” And there was that damn grin again.
The road led to some more back roads and we eventually ended up in a clearing overlooking streetlights and houses below. It was really beautiful. The air was warm with a tiny hint of a breeze. The summer day was slowly changing into a summer night, and we could barely hear the tiny bristling of leaves from the trees that outlined the perimeter. Cooper rolled the windows down and turned the engine off. He let the radio play, though, as he got out, came around to my side of the car, and opened the door.
“So, what are we doing here?” I asked.
“Well, Lily, we are going to sit on the hood of my car and just… be. We can talk if you want to talk, or we can sit in total silence if you want to be silent. We can sing along to our favorite songs on the radio. We can tell knock-knock jokes. We can throw rocks to see how far we can throw them. We can do whatever you want to do. I don’t care. I just want to know you.”
I had never met anyone like him. Never. I know I was looking at him. I could feel myself looking at him. I think I was trying to figure him out or something. Was this guy real? I think I kept waiting for his flaws to be revealed to me like a neon sign, and kept expecting the warning signs to flash, but there was nothing.
“If you’re going to keep standing there staring at me, which by the way, wasn’t one of the options, then it’s only fair that I reciprocate.” Cooper laughed, and then walked away to grab a blanket out of his trunk and placed it on the hood of his car.
“Yes, it was,” I said
“Was what?”
“One of the options. You said you don’t care what we do, so…” I looked down at the ground and kicked up dirt with the toe of my shoe, then glanced back up at him and laughed. “Sorry, I wasn’t staring at you like that. I mean, I was trying to figure out how someone like you isn’t already dating someone or married or—”
“Well,” he cut in, “timing seems to be everything, and it’s just never been the right time for any of that. What about you?”
“That is a conversation that could take a while. Why don’t we talk about the easy stuff right now, like favorite color or favorite food. We can build up to that.” My tone was carefree and playful, and that was exactly how I intended it.
“Sounds good, Miss Grayson. I’ll start. My favorite color is red.”
I climbed onto the hood of his car and then spun around so I could take in the view. “Mine is pink, and I always feel like I should apologize for liking pink, because it’s so ‘girlie’, like I can’t be tough and still like pink. I do, though. And even though this was supposed to be the easy question, I always feel like I need to qualify my answer to that question, because… I’m just so used to getting looks from people whenever I say pink, like it’s predictable and I should choose something else. Not that you are saying that or anything, but I want to be clear that even though pink is my favorite color, don’t think I’m just lace and frills because I’m not.”
Cooper didn’t say anything back right away. I looked over at him and he was staring at me with his mouth slightly agape. He had been tinkering with his phone but at some point stopped tinkering halfway through my run-on sentence. He put his hands on his hips and laughed out loud. “That was the longest answer to the simplest of questions I believe I have ever heard, and you managed to do it without even taking a breath. Color me impressed, Lily.” He looked back down, shaking his head in amusement. “You may be a lot of things, but predictable isn’t one of them.” He laughed again. “I’m almost afraid to ask you to tell me your favorite food now.” He checked his watch and then peeked his eyes back up like he knew there was a possibility I may whack him. And then he grinned that grin.
“Shut up,” I chuckled, slightly embarrassed that I had rambled on like that. And I did consider whacking him, but I was too busy trying to find a hole to climb in instead.
“Absolutely adorable.”
“What is?”
“You.”
I chose not to ask him to explain why he thought that. Besides, one of my favorite songs was on the radio. “Oh, turn it up. Please. I love this song.” Eminem and Rihanna’s ‘Love the Way You Lie’.
“Yes ma’am.” He leaned into the window on the driver’s side and turned the volume up. I sang along to Rihanna’s part. I closed my eyes and swayed to the music. Cooper walked back over and sat next to me on the car never saying a word. We didn’t talk much, mostly listened to the radio and learning to just… be.
We watched the sun set and eventually decided that we needed to head back, still quiet and not saying much. It wasn’t an awkward silence though, more like drinking everything in slowly. We pulled up to my house and he walked me to the door.
“Thank you, Lily, for today. It was one of the best days I’ve had in a long time; maybe ever.” His dark brown eyes were like pools of chocolate, and if I wasn’t careful I could fall into them so easily.
“Back at’cha.” I smiled, trying not to be too serious. I wanted to keep the lighthearted mood going. It was comfortable and I needed comfortable. “I’m glad I didn’t have to use my elite kickboxing skills on you,” I said with a wink.
“I don’t know. That might have been fun. Next time,” he joked.
I turned the key, opened the door, and stepped inside recalling the last time we were standing here on my porch. I remembered that feeling of not being able to breathe, of not wanting to look at him too long, and unfortunately those feelings were rushing back to me.
“Thanks again, Cooper. You’ve been really sweet. Today was…..” I was searching for the right word, but couldn’t seem to find it.
“Yeah, it was.” He seemed to understand what I was trying to say. I wish I did. “Good night, Lily. Is it okay if I call you tomorrow?”
“Sure. Friends can call each other,” still trying to keep it light.
He looked at me like he wanted to say something. For a moment I thought I could see an internal battle being waged somewhere inside of him. I could see the conflict behind his eyes. The moment was over so quickly that I wasn’t even sure it was real. Maybe it wasn’t.
“I’ll call you tomorrow.” He leaned in slowly, and barely touched his lips to my forehead. “Good night, Lil.”