As we traveled through the large airport, we passed a little girl sketching in a notebook. Just as we walked by her, she smiled and held it up to her mother who was standing in front of her. I turned my head to see what it was and time slowed as I saw the delicate, little, yellow flower she had drawn. I snapped my head forward, time resuming, and kept walking, something warm gliding down my spine.
When we got to the terminal where our gate would be boarding, we sat down at a table at a small bagel restaurant that served soup and sandwiches, and Alex went up to the counter to order lunch.
As I sat there waiting for him, I looked around. A man sitting at a table near the entrance, with his back to me, caught my eye. Short, wheat-colored hair and broad, muscular shoulders. My heart rate picked up and I sucked in a breath. Carson? It couldn't be. How? I started to stand, just as he did too, and air lodged in my chest. As he turned toward me, deep disappointment hit me in the gut and I almost let out a sob. It wasn't him. I sank back down in my chair, my hand gripping the table edge. I stared straight ahead for several minutes, the truth of what I was feeling washing through my soul. Oh God… it hit me, sitting right in the middle of a bagel restaurant in the Atlanta airport. It was Carson I was missing. It was Carson I was wanting. Carson. The one who made me feel out of control in so many ways–the one who was anything but safe.
Realization dawned like the first light of sunrise bursting over the horizon. He had come for me in D.C. He had come back for me after he changed his life. I almost cried out as the reality of that took over. I hadn't allowed myself to really think about it, but how would things have been different? I knew suddenly, that things would have been different because I would have jumped into his arms without a moment of hesitation. For whatever reason, that hadn't been our time. But it was our time now. My soul vibrated with the knowledge.
In that very instant, I knew it as sure as I knew my own name; I had chosen Alex because he was almost the exact opposite of Carson. And I had been afraid that if I didn't choose someone who was blatantly different in every way, that I would always compare the man I ended up with, to the man I really wanted.
I wanted Carson. I knew it with a surety that gripped my heart like a vice.
I had always wanted Carson.
Alex sat down with our tray of food and started doling it out.
"I can't marry you, Alex," I whispered.
His head snapped up and a confused smile washed over his handsome features.
"What?" he asked.
I closed my eyes for a couple beats. "I'm so sorry, Alex. I can't marry you," I repeated, looking into his eyes beseechingly. "I'm so sorry."
His hands had stalled at my words, but now he started splitting the food between us again.
"Grace, you're nervous about having me spend real time with your family. It's normal. It's a big step. Almost as big as getting engaged."
I shook my head. "No, Alex, please," I reached across the table and took his hands in mine, "listen to me."
He looked down at our hands and looked back up into my eyes and nodded his head. "Okay, Grace, I'm listening," he said quietly.
I licked my lips, my heart beating loudly in my ears. "I love you, Alex, but–"
"You're not in love with me," he finished hollowly.
My shoulders crumpled. "Yes." I looked into his eyes. "If you really search your heart, I think you'll realize that we were never right for each other as more than friends."
He tilted his head, studying my face, but not answering the question.
"I never, ever wanted to hurt you," I whispered.
He sighed, sadness filling his expression. "I guess I'm not completely surprised by this," he said. "And maybe you're right. I don't know. The timing has kind of taken me by surprise here." He paused, studying me again. "Is there someone else?"
I closed my eyes for a couple beats. "Yes. But he isn't the reason why we shouldn't get married." A tear slipped out of my eye and I swiped it away.
"Who is he?" he asked.
I closed my eyes for a beat and gathered myself before looking back at him. "Someone from my past… it doesn't matter. He's not the reason we're not right together, Alex, he just helped me to see what I already knew deep inside."
He nodded, studying my face. "Would you be breaking up with me if he didn't exist?"
"I think so, yes. Maybe not today, but yes. I'm so sorry," I repeated.
He sighed deeply. "Jesus, Grace." He paused, staring off behind me. After a minute, he said, "Maybe you're right. Maybe I knew it too. It still doesn't make it easy. Especially in the middle of an airport."
I grimaced and shook my head slightly. "I know… I just, I couldn't pretend everything was fine this week… I couldn't hurt you any more…" I repeated, a lump forming in my throat, my words dying.
More tears slid down my cheeks as we looked at each other across the table. Finally he said, "Work…"
"I'll find a new job if you want me to. I'd never make this worse for you. I–"
"Of course I don't want you to quit your job. I actually… well, I was going to talk to you about this when we got back from Ohio, but," he looked off to the side, frowning slightly, "I was offered an assistant D.A. position in San Francisco near my family. I didn't know how you'd feel about possibly moving…" He shook his head slightly as I frowned.
"You mean, you're considering taking it?" I asked softly.
He laughed a humorless laugh. "Well, like I said, I was going to talk to you, but… yeah, I was hoping you'd agree to move."
"Oh."
He cleared his throat. "Anyway, it might be right for both of us…"
"Alex, really, if you want to stay in Vegas and you think it would be awkward to work with me–"
He shook his head. "No, I think we're mature enough to work together. That's not it. I just… well, I have a lot to think about."
I nodded. "Okay, but if you change your mind about me leaving the office, will you tell me? I care so much about you."
"I know you do," he said sadly. He looked down for a second and then looked back up at me. "I'm going to get a flight to San Francisco from here and join my family. Will you be okay flying by yourself the rest of the way to Dayton?"