I laughed. "So, did you… enjoy it?" I asked.
Julia propped herself up on her elbows. "The sex?" She bit her lip. "Well, we've only done it a couple times so far, and… well, no, not really. I mean, I'm sure that's kinda normal…" She frowned, looking over at Audrey.
Audrey raised her hands. "Don't look at me. I'm untouched. Pure. I don't know what to tell you other than you could be broken in some way."
I laughed, but Julia narrowed her eyes at Audrey.
"You're not broken, Jules. The first couple times usually aren't that good. It gets better, I promise. And if you're with the right person–which hopefully you are–it can be incredible. Beyond incredible."
I looked over at them and they were both staring at me. I laughed again. "Okay, girls, we need to talk, and I think I have something to tell you that will make up for the years and years of sex-talk repression in this house. Settle in and buckle up," I said seriously, biting my lip with nervousness. I laid down on my side and propped my head up on my hand and started talking, wondering if I'd get through the story this time without crying because I still missed him so damn much that even two months later, I got emotional saying his name. "So you know that conference I went to a couple months ago…"
**********
Carson
"I still can't believe you enlisted in the NAVY, you crazy motherfucker!" Dylan yelled from the kitchen as he grabbed us both a beer.
I chuckled. "You and me both, bro."
Dylan came back in the room and handed me my beer, and sat down on the other couch, studying me over his bottle as he took a long sip and propped his feet up on the coffee table. "You gonna tell your mom you're taking off?" He eyed me warily.
"Nah, you know what happened the last time I was over there. I'll send her a postcard if I make it to SEAL training in Coronado."
He nodded. He had seen me, or rather, my busted lip after I had gone to see her the last time and gotten into it with her current boyfriend and he sucker punched me like the douche he was.
"So," he said, taking a pull on his beer and obviously changing the subject, "you ever gonna tell me about this girl you spent a weekend with and changed your whole life for?"
I laughed. "I didn't change my whole life for her, dude."
"Uh, yeah, you kinda did man. What kind of * voodoo did she cast on you?"
"Funny. No, I meant, I'm not making all these changes because of Grace. I'll most likely never even see her again." I paused as the pain in that statement washed over me. I had thought about contacting her and letting her know my plans. But what if I failed? No. I needed to actually accomplish something before I let Grace know. "I just realized it's time, that's all. I can't do porn forever, man. It was time for me to come up with some kind of life plan, some direction at least."
Dylan nodded. "I can't disagree. I mean, as badass as it was to have women porn stars showing up at our house parties." He grinned. "Not that there's been any partying going on here lately, you monk."
I chuckled, but then I grew serious, putting my hands behind my head and leaning back on the couch. "Man, I might be right back here next year. Do you know what a long shot this is going to be?"
Dylan studied me. "Nah, you won't be."
"No, seriously, the odds are not in my favor when it comes to becoming a SEAL."
"How do you figure?" Dylan asked, taking another sip of his beer.
"Dude, I explained the whole twenty percent thing, I explained about all the insanely talented athletes that try out every year and don't make it–"
"Yeah, you did, but here's how I see it. It doesn't all come down to how great of an athlete you are, or how fast you can swim however many yards in the ocean while on the verge of hypothermia." He sat his beer down and took his feet off the coffee table and sat forward on the couch. "What it comes down to is how much heart you have, and how you will give this your all, not because anyone will give you accolades, but on the contrary, because no one ever has, and you don't depend on that for your success. Those guys out there who have been coddled constantly, and cheered for their whole lives, they'll be the first ones to quit when they don't have anyone to depend on but themselves. But not you–because you've never known any different. And that sucks. But in this case, it's your strength. It's your ace in the hole. I'd bet on you, Carson Stinger."
He picked up his beer and sat back and kicked his feet up on the coffee table again as I stared at him, not knowing what to say. "Did I tell you I was making a career change too? Motivational Speaking. Don't all line up at once, people."
I burst out laughing.
Dylan grinned, but then went serious. "Meant every word of it, bro."
"I know you did, man, I know." I held up my bottle in cheers to him.
CHAPTER 16
Eight months later, April
Grace
I sat in the semi-darkness, staring at the horizon, hearing the bird conversations begin all around me. I smiled as the yellow glow in the distance hit my eyes. It was like those birds knew moments before the glory of the sunrise would appear and were singing its welcoming praises. I sat there until the full, round sun had fully emerged from beyond the horizon. I thought of Carson, as I always did when I watched the sun rise. I wondered where he was. I wondered if he was happy. But I didn't let myself wonder any more than that, still couldn't let myself wonder any more than that.