And I was going to have to be okay with that.
In fact, from the way I watched Gus go through his collection of firearms and give me the lowdown on each one, the tiny visceral thrill that shot through me, I was probably going to be more than okay with that. I was probably going to welcome it with open arms.
I never did end up falling back asleep, the memory of the dream and the real memory of Ellie clashing violently with each other. I did what I could to hold it all together, the same way I’d been doing it for the last few days, ever since she left with him. When I’d feel rage creeping on up, saturating my limbs from the inside out, I mentally quarantined the feeling. I imagined taking the anger, the panic, the injustice, and funneled it into a compartment in my head. I took it out of my heart and my lungs and the muscles that wanted to curl my hands into fists and have me explode. It was the only way I was able to think clearly, to do what needed to be done.
Each minute I spent with Gus I realized I needed to become more like him, cool and distant. Somehow it worked for him and as time went on, it began to work for me. I even applied it to Sophia and Ben and my fucking father who wouldn’t stop ringing me until Gus destroyed my cell with a quick stomp of his boot. I filed it away, until I felt smooth and snag-free inside, like a machine.
Our plan, according to Gus was fairly straightforward and simple. We’d head out to Mississippi where Ellie had lived as a girl and where she met Javier years later. We’d poke around, he’d ask a few of his contacts and hopefully find some sort of a trail.
“I’m pretty sure Javier Bernal still lives in the state,” Gus had told me as he threw a duffel bag into the GTO. It landed in the trunk with a clatter and I knew it contained more than his clothes and toiletries. He was a bit wary about taking the car, even with the newspaper reporting it as a green Mustang but since his only vehicle was a beat-up café racer motorbike, he didn’t have much of a choice. I was relieved. As strange as it sounded, I could see why Ellie hung onto the car all those years. There was something very empowering about it, like it made you invincible. Maybe after that stunt on the Vegas highway I superstitiously believed in it.
I was about to hop in the driver’s seat when Gus waved me off with a gruff gesture of his hand. “Nope,” he said, slipping on a pair of amber aviators. “Too risky with you driving. You’re sitting in the passenger seat, looking straight ahead, never to the side.”
“Why don’t I just lie down in the back then?” I wasn’t questioning his methods but his tone of voice didn’t help.
He gave me the are-you-an-idiot look. “If someone notices it’s only going to draw more suspicion. Look, as of right now, the photo circulating on the news is a far cry from what you look like. They’re looking for a pretty boy with a dumbass smile, you look like a piece of shit.”
This was going to be a fun ride. “Thanks.”
He shrugged. “It’s true. Now get in before I change my mind.”
I almost wanted him to but I decided to suck it up and file my feelings toward Gus away too.
Once we’d cleared the streets of Pismo Beach and were heading inland toward the I-5, I asked Gus what he knew about Javier.
He pursed his rough lips as if he wasn’t sure I was worthy of the information. Then he talked.
“As I told you before, I hadn’t kept in touch with Ellie too much over the years. We’d talk on the phone around Christmas time – she was really good at calling – but other than that it was more that I would help her out when I could. Fake IDs, information on people, yadda yadda. During that time, she never once mentioned Javier. It was like the moment she left him, she erased his memory from her head. And she seemed to be doing fine. What is the point in bringing up the past anyway? So I never spoke a word about him, even though I was keeping tabs – mainly out of curiosity, mainly for her sake. No one just up and leaves a gang member, it doesn’t happen. I was so sure he’d come after her right away, but from what I could tell, he never did. He stayed put in Ocean Springs, Mississippi. And then he began to build his empire.”