Huh. Well lookie there.
I was happy.
Really, really fucking happy.
I hadn’t been expecting this when I had made the decision to come to Vivian’s place last night.
I had been in a really shitty place for the last couple of days. After talking to Garrett, I had holed up in my apartment, hiding out from the world. I had continued to avoid Jose’s phone calls, though I knew he needed an answer from me. He wanted to know what I was going to do.
The problem was I was no closer to figuring that out then I was on Sunday when I came back to Bakersville. And Garrett’s pep talked hadn’t helped. Instead he had messed with my head even more.
But as I sat in my crappy apartment, staring at the wall because I still hadn’t bothered to get the cable turned back on, I knew that I needed to fix stuff. I needed to take my life by the reins and stop waiting for everything to sort itself out.
Hiding in my apartment while the world passed me by wasn’t going to solve shit. I had to stop being such a *.
And I needed to start making amends for all the dumb crap I’ve done. I had to stop being the guy who treated everyone around him like they didn’t matter. I needed to take stock of where I was.
And that was alone. Miserably and completely alone.
I hated it.
But I had done this to myself.
It was time to figure out the best way to make it up to the people I had hurt.
Call it Cole Brandt’s twelve-steps for recovering assholes.
And I had to start with the woman I hadn’t realized was so important to me until she wasn’t there anymore.
During all the crazy chaos, the only person I wanted to talk to was Vivian. She got me on some sick twisted level and you didn’t turn your back on someone who understood you like that.
So I had gone to the store, an idea taking root in my head. I needed to fix my band and my relationship with my friends.
But first I needed to fix things with Vivian.
I didn’t expect her to forgive me. Hell, I had a strong inkling she’d slam the door in my face. And it was no less than I deserved. But I wouldn’t go away. I planned to stand outside her door all night long if I had to. Just to show her that I meant business and that no matter what, I was going to make it up to her. And I’d do it in the only way I knew how.
By being an obnoxious, unrelenting jerk.
But she hadn’t slammed the door in my face. She had actually let me inside.
And now here I was, in her bed, and I felt like the luckiest man on the damn earth.
Even if her hair was tickling my nose and kept getting stuck in my mouth.
I continued to rub my hand slowly up and down her back. I loved her skin. I loved her tits. I loved her fabulous fucking ass. Shit, I loved her knees. And her toes. And the soft spot just below her ears.
My heart thudded in my chest and my hand stilled in its slow progress along her spine.
I had known this woman for two years. And for two years she had put up with my crap and given it right back to me. She never backed down but she never walked away from me either.
She never, ever left.
Until I forced her to. Until I made it impossible for her to stay.
And, whether I had recognized it at the time or not, the act of her leaving had cut me to the quick.
Because I hadn’t wanted her to go.
I needed her.
I had to know that at the end of all this crazy insanity with the band, with Jose and the label, that she’d be there, waiting for me. Ready to drive me nuts and blow my mind.
I wanted to be able to pick up the phone from wherever I was and call her. Just the sound of her voice making it all better.
Goddamn it, I knew exactly what this shit was.
I loved Vivian.
I was poke my eyes out with a fork, walk over hot coals, swim in a tank full of sharks in love with her.
I didn’t want her for one night. I didn’t want her just for a weekend.
I wanted her for as long as she’d have me.