I pulled the plastic handle out of the top of the case and glanced over at her.
"You will definitely not be imposing. You already know Liz and she always makes enough food to feed an army. Really, she won't mind at all."
"Well, if you think it will be okay, I guess I’ll stop by. I really need to get out and have some fun. Maybe she can find me a single man. I'm so desperate that I might settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygiene and knows how to go down on me."
I stared blankly at her, wishing I could erase that that entire sentence from my memory.
"I'm going to finish cleaning up here, and I might try to fit an orgasm in too. I'll just meet you there."
I'm pretty sure my head just exploded.
"Um, Jenny? Did you just say you were going to try and fit an orgasm in?"
Please God, let me have heard her wrong.
"Well, duh! I have to make sure what I bought works properly don't I? If it doesn't get me off fast enough, I'm returning it. I have a two point five minute rule."
Oh Jesus. Please don't let her give me a used vibrator with her vagina funk all over it. What the fuck am I supposed to do with that? Do I need a hazmat suit to handle a returned vibrator? This was not a topic included in my new employee packet.
"Okay, well, I'll just see you at Liz’s house then," I said as I ran from her house, pulling my suitcase on wheels behind me as fast as the wobbly legs on that thing would allow.
***
Fifteen minutes later I was walking up to Liz and Jim’s house and letting myself in. Liz flew around the corner into the foyer with a panicked look on her face.
"Elizabeth Marie Gates, you owe me big time. That was the single most horrific experience of my life," I yelled at her while I unbuttoned my coat.
"Claire, I have to tell you…"
"When I invited Jenny over for dinner, she decided to tell me she was going to pencil in some alone time with her vibrator before coming here,” I said in horror, interrupting her. “I'm not going to be able to look her in the eye at all tonight."
"Claire, there's something…"
"You could have warned me that these women would be asking me a thousand questions about lube and g-spots that I wouldn't have a fucking clue how to answer. ‘Oh, all you need to do is stand there and take everyone’s orders,’" I complained in my best Liz voice as I yanked my jacket off.
"You need to…"
"I lost my shit after the question on cock rings getting stuck in vaginas and told them all about my stellar sexual history. Jesus H. Christ, Liz, a woman who has had one point five lays and didn't even come close to getting off during them should NOT be selling sex toys!" I screeched, throwing my coat on the hook next to the door and turning back to face her.
"Claire, you might want to keep it…"
"I told them about Max, Liz. MAX! The thing we swore to never speak of again. I told them all about him getting two thrusts in before his dad walked in on us," I said as I started walking backwards out of the foyer. "I can tell by that horrified look on your face that you realize how awesome this evening was for me."
"Don't say any…"
"Why in the hell did you ever think I would be good at this?" I asked as I came to a stop in the living room. "By the end of the night, every woman in that room was giving my vagina sad looks. My vagina is going to get a complex Liz. It's already judging me because it's only gotten off with my hand. And I don't count dry humping your leg that one time we were really drunk after finals freshman year," I argued as Jim came up next to me with a bottle of Grape Three Olive vodka in his hand.
I glanced at him and then back to Liz.
"Why the hell are you staring at me like that?" I asked her. Her mouth was open and she kept looking behind me over my shoulder.
Oh fuck.
I looked at Jim and he gave me a reassuring smile and held the bottle of vodka out to me.
Oh fucking fuck.
"There's someone behind me, isn't there?" I whispered.
Liz just nodded her head. I swallowed thickly and blindly reached to my side to grab the bottle out of Jim’s hand. He already took the cap off for me so I brought it up to my lips and took and huge swig of it, my eyes watering as the burn of the alcohol slid down my throat and warmed my stomach. I slowly turned to face the music and die of humiliation. When I finally made it all the way around, the bottle of vodka slipped out of my grasp. Thank God for Jim’s quick reflexes. His hand shot out and grabbed the bottle before it crashed to the floor.
"So, who wants another drink?" Liz asked cheerily from behind me.
8. Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs