"So, what kind of a douche bag do you think our foreman will be?" Drew said in a low voice. A guy sitting on the other side of Drew leaned forward and spoke before I could answer.
"He's actually an okay guy. He's been here for about twenty years and as long as you don't fuck up, he leaves you alone to do your work. I'm Jim Gilmore," the guy said, holding his hand out for us to shake while Drew provided the introductions.
"Hey, man, I'm Drew Parritt and this is Carter Ellis."
We each shook his hand while Drew kept talking.
"So how long have you worked here?"
"Only a few months. My fiancé and I just moved here from Toledo," he said.
"Seriously? That's where we just moved from. We worked at the Toledo Automotive Plant and got relocated here," I explained.
Jim laughed. "Small world I guess. My fiancé is originally from Butler and we met in college at The University of Ohio. She wanted to move back here as soon as we graduated, so here we are.”
“Hey, we went to a party one weekend there. Gee, Carter, you probably don’t remember that party, do you?” Drew asked sarcastically, knowing full well just how much I remembered about that party.
“Shut up, asshole,” I grumbled. “So Jim, how come you had to come to orientation today?”
“They suckered me into coming to give you guys a tour of the plant when it's over and introduce you to your foreman."
"As long as he leaves me alone and doesn't ride my ass, we'll get along just fine," Drew said.
"I thought you liked it when big, burly men rode your ass," I joked.
"You must have me confused with you and that new vagina you grew. Remind me again when the last time it was you got laid? Because I'm pretty sure I got my dick wet last night while you barked like a dog and passed out in the parking lot."
"I don't think I'd be bragging about tapping some girl's ass that has a meat-product nickname for her vagina," I reminded him.
"Yeah, that wasn't really my finest hour. I'm so disappointed in myself I can practically taste it."
"Does it taste like semen?" I asked.
"Fuck you. She wasn't a dude," Drew replied, leaning back in his chair and crossing his arms in front of him.
"Jim, please tell me you know some hot girls," Drew begged.
He let out a chuckle. "You might be in luck boys; my fiancé has a few single friends."
"Don't worry about the * here to the right of me," Drew said while Jim took a drink of his bottled water. "He's been hung up on a one-night-stand he had five years ago with a girl that smelled like Cocoa Puffs."
Jim spit out some of his water and started choking on the rest. Drew had to reach over and pat him on the back. After he recovered, he sat there staring at me funny.
What the fuck is up with people staring at me lately? Last night at the bar and now today. There was something wrong with the people in this town.
Just then, one of the supervisors walked in and shoved the sexual harassment video into the machine. Everyone started clapping and cheering as soon as the music started.
"Why don't you guys come over tonight for dinner and some drinks," Jim said over the rowdy employees as he started to turn back around to face the front of the room. "My fiancé can see if you guys are worthy enough for her friends," he said with smirk.
***
"Hey, Claire, does this lube really taste like strawberry cheesecake?"
"Um, sure," I replied.
"Does the Jack Rabbit hit your g-spot or do I need to get something else for that?"
"Are you sure this massage oil candle burns cool? The last time my boyfriend and I tried hot oil his penis got second degree burns."
Kill me. Just kill me right now.
"Where exactly do you put the cock ring on a guy? We must not have put it in the right spot because after a few minutes it got lost in my vagina. That was an awkward emergency room trip, let me tell you."
I'm going to lose my shit if someone asks me one more fucking question that I can't answer. That's all anyone has been doing for the last half hour. FUCK! These people need to just buy something already and quit talking to me.
"Do you let a guy use a vibrator on you? I've heard that's really hot."