“I really can’t, Miss Ruiz,” he says, “but I’ll be back later. In the meantime,” he opens his briefcase and removes his recorder, “tape it for me?”
Sloan takes the recorder and nods, carefully not looking at anything. “Of course.”
Reed nods tightly and closes his briefcase again before practically running from the room. I really can’t believe what I’ve just seen.
“What the hell’s going on between you two,” I ask Sloan around a mouthful of fries. She turns her head away from the door and looks at me, startled. I wiggle my eyebrows and she laughs.
“Nothing, Livvie. Nothing at all,” she says, her voice shaky. “Now stop eating my fries and give me those.” She reaches into the bag and takes out a burger and a container of fries before she sits in Reed’s former seat.
“Mmm,” she says when she pops a fry into her mouth.
“Mmm,” I mimic and do the same. When I’m done swallowing, I jump straight to the good stuff. “So…did you really come to see me or Agent Reed?”
Sloan smiles and shakes her head. Her mouth is full, but she tries to answer me anyway. “You, of course.”
“Liar,” I tease.
Sloan shrugs. “I’m not here to talk about Reed.”
“Don’t you mean…Matthew?”
“Livvie,” she says in warning.
“Janice,” I say sarcastically. “Come on, Sloan. I’ve been telling you both some pretty deep shit. I think I’m entitled to a distraction and some gossip. Reed’s hot. I understand.”
“There’s nothing to tell,” she insists, but she’s getting pink in the face. No matter the age, what I feel is universal. You can’t fight who you’re attracted to. Sometimes, fate gets it right, and then makes you pay for it.
“Whatever. I know something’s going on. Caleb used to get upset when I’d use his name in front of other people, but, in private? Whole other story. I saw Reed’s face when you called him Matthew. He was giving you the business.”
Sloan chokes on her burger and greedily takes a sip from her drink to clear it. “Livvie!”
“Fine, fine,” I say and pick up my burger, so disappointed. The burger is so greasy and I can already feel the grease running through my veins. I moan as I chew. “You don’t have to tell me, as long as you bring me another one of these tomorrow.”
“Deal,” Sloan says and takes another bite.
We eat in companionable silence for several minutes. The occasional moan and gluttonous eye roll as our only means of communication.
Afterward, Sloan and I talk about how I’m feeling. Fine. She asks if I might be ready to talk to my mother. No. Definitely, not.
“What could be the harm?” Sloan asks. “She misses you very much.”
I look down into my lap. I’m not sad. I’m embarrassed to look Sloan in the eye and admit the truth. “I want her to suffer.”
Sloan is quiet.
“The last few months have been awful,” I continue, “I’ve been beaten, humiliated, and forced into situations no person should ever have to suffer.” I pause, brooding and getting angry at my mother. “Still, I’d live it all again, if I could change the past eighteen years with my mother. I spent so much time already, trying to make her love me, understand me. I spent so much time giving a fuck about what she thought. I’m done, Sloan. I’m done caring. It’s time for me to live my own life, my own way and I don’t want her to be a part of it.”
“What is your way?” Sloan asks. There is no emotional quality to her voice. If she’s judging me, I can’t tell. If she agrees with me, it’s also a mystery.
“I don’t know. I have no idea who I’m supposed to be anymore. I only know I don’t want to be who someone else thinks I should be.”
“Good,” Sloan says.
Sloan and I talk for a while longer before I tell her I’m tired and want to lie down. I let her hug me goodbye and perhaps…I hold on to her for just a little longer than I intended. Sloan doesn’t seem to mind.
Once she’s gone, I turn down the lights and get in bed with Reed’s recorder. I turn it on and start talking.
***
Another surge of electricity pumped through me. I was starved for release. I screamed behind my gag and struggled against my tethers, but all it did was heighten my suffering. I lifted my ass, trying to find a way to move and create enough friction to send me into orgasm, but it was crushingly useless. I whimpered and let the tears flow when the pulsing stopped. The door opened and a sigh of relief swept through me. Caleb had finally come back to end my suffering. I knew he would.