Somewhere far away in my mind, I know I should feel emotionally drained, or even weepy and sad. Mostly I just feel…nothing. I’m not sure why. I guess it’s because I know how the story ends and with every word I utter I know I’m preparing myself for the eventuality of what’s to come. It’s like I’m telling a story that happened to someone else.
I love Caleb. I love him. I don’t care anymore about the awful shit he put me through, what matters most is the fact my love for him, exists. No amount of talking or therapy will change what happened. It won’t change how I feel.
He’s gone, Livvie.
There it is. There’s the pain. It’s an ember forever burning in my heart. It’s a reminder Caleb will live forever.
I’ve cried so much over the last ten days. I’ve been living in so much agony. I know when all is said and done, when Reed has heard everything, when he and Sloan move on – I’ll be all alone with my pain and my love. But today – today I’m fine. Today I’m telling the story as if it happened to someone else.
I conclude my business in the bathroom, wash my hands and open the door. Sloan is standing in the room with Reed when I come out of the bathroom. The atmosphere seems thick, but with what, I’m not certain. Sloan is smiling, but Reed looks like someone ate his lunch out of the community fridge.
Sloan holds up a large brown sack with grease stains on the bottom. “I brought dinner,” she says to me.
“Awesome!” I say, surprised by the gesture.
Sloan smiles at me, warmly. “I know how you love the hospital food, but I figured you might appreciate some greasy burgers and fries instead.” My stomach growls in response and Sloan lifts a smug eyebrow. “Agent Reed, I know you try to stay away from the junk, so I brought you a grilled chicken salad. I hope that’s okay.”
I take the bag from Sloan and set it on the rolling bed tray so I can get to my damn burger. Otherwise, I might try to eat through the bag. I reach in and grab the loose fries at the bottom and shove them into my mouth.
“Hawt! Hawt!” I say, but I keep chewing the salty deliciousness in my mouth. To hell with first degree burns, the fries are amazing! I’m so busy stuffing my face with loose fries it takes me a moment to realize no one else is talking. I look up and see Reed and Sloan are having some sort of awkward staring contest. I think Reed is losing. Interesting.
Reed finally clears his throat and looks toward his briefcase. “Actually, I have to go. I have some emails to answer and some calls I have to make. Um, thank you, though – for the food.” Reed begins gathering his things in a hurried fashion. I’ve never seen him so…flustered, I guess is the word.
Curiouser and curiouser.
“Matthew,” Sloan begins and falters when Reed stops gathering his things just long enough to glare at her. She holds up her hands. “Agent Reed, I can’t think of anything so time sensitive it can’t wait until after you’ve had dinner.”
Reed sighs deeply, but doesn’t stop getting his papers together. “Thank you for the food, Dr. Sloan. I don’t mean to be rude or sound ungrateful, but I really do have work to do. And yes, it is time sensitive. Offices in Pakistan should be opening soon and they have information I need.”
Sloan falters, pursing her lips briefly. “Oh. I didn’t realize. I’m sorry.”
No one even notices I’m here in the room and I feel like a voyeur. Fascinating! I think of Felipe and Celia’s little surveillance hobby and blush. Whatever is going on between Sloan and Reed really isn’t my business.
“Here!” I say loudly, letting them know they are being watched. I raise Reed’s salad triumphantly, and eat the loose fries on the lid. “You can take it with you.”
Sloan gives me a grateful smile, as though relieved I broke their uneasy connection. She reaches for the container and takes it from my hand. “Yes, please take the salad. You have to eat something.”
Reed looks at the salad as if he’s never eaten one before, then at Sloan and me. He is angry, and it has nothing to do with anything. He is just pissed off. He wants to be angry at Sloan, but she hasn’t given him a reason, hasn’t said or done anything revolting. Still, he’s choosing to be angry with her. Finally, he sets his briefcase down on his chair and takes the container. “Thank you,” he says.
“You’re welcome,” Sloan says, in that soft way Caleb would use on me when he was feeling fanciful. Sloan watches Reed’s face, and then her gaze skids away when he glances at her and quickly averts his eyes.
Ooooh…she likes him. It surprises me and yet not. I tend to see Dr. Sloan and Agent Reed as robots, like they have no lives. It’s interesting to see them in a new way.
Reed’s face looks a little red. I can’t believe he’s blushing. He actually looks adorable. I don’t want him to leave. I want to sit on my bed and watch the two of them squirm under my scrutiny. I mean really…it’s only fair.
“Come on, Reed, stay.” I pat the spot at the foot of my bed, grinning. He looks at me silently. If looks could kill… “You said you’d listen to the rest of my story remember?”