I knew that Aidan had been drugged and that this was some big ‘plot’, but I just…I couldn’t cope anymore. Mentally, I was exhausted, and emotionally, I was spent. Paranoia had become my new best friend and I hated it. I despised my life right now.
As my sobs became silent, I heard Aidan come in yelling for me. When he tried to talk or touch me I just couldn’t do it. I was beat, utterly destroyed, everything that has happened has taken such a toll on me that I just….can’t do it. I give up.
I left him in the library as I hurried to the spare room that had now become mine. Hearing a loud crash from behind me, I could only imagine what he had broken.
Lying in bed, crying into my pillow, the past two years played through my mind. Finding out I was pregnant, having been drugged, courtesy of Henry, Aidan drugged and naked with Loreley, and now…fuck…now Aidan may be the father to her child. These events would never have taken place if I just said no to the arrangement with Aidan. I was angry with myself.
Then thoughts of the McDonald’s dinner, the small tokens and kisses, the night that I attacked him for the first time, the way he watched and looked at me, how doting he was as I carried his children, the love that he pushed and pushed into my face every day, the moment I gave birth to his children. I would never have had those things if it weren’t for being with Aidan.
Of course I could have eventually met someone and had a family, but it wouldn’t have been what I have now. I loved Aidan, deeply and immensely. He wasn’t the issue, not completely anyway, the events of our life were. Would it always be this way? Will it always be something or someone trying to hurt us or take something away from us? Will I always feel like a pawn in the greater scheme of someone else’s plan?
Eventually the mental and emotional stress did a number on my physical strength and I fell asleep. When I woke up it was dark. I rolled over and turned on the lamp next to the bed. I took a deep breath and sat up on the edge of my bed.
"Ahhhh!" I screamed and jumped back on the bed, my hand to my chest as I rapidly tried to catch my breath. Jesus, he scared me half to death.
"I’m sorry." He whispered out.
"Fuck, Aidan, you…fuck…you scared the shit out of me." I was still calming myself. "What are you doing?
"I didn’t want you to be alone. I’ll go now." He stood and headed toward the door.
"Wait." I stood up from the bed and unconsciously straightened out my clothes.
He turned around, waiting for me to speak. I took a few steps closer to him, defeat shone brightly in his eyes.
"Do you remember anything about that night?" I asked looking away from him.
"No, nothing." He answered firmly.
I nodded and looked back at him.
"I don’t blame you, Aidan. I know that it wasn’t your fault…that this, all of this craziness, isn’t your fault."
"But?" He choked out.
"No but. I just want you to know that I don’t think that it’s your fault." I took a step closer.
"You forgive me?" He stepped closer to me.
"Forgive you…no." I shook my head and his face fell. "Aidan…" I moved closer and lifted his face. He immediately cupped my hand, holding it to his face. "There is nothing to forgive. You didn’t do this."
"You don’t hate me or regret being here, with me?" I saw hope flicker in his eyes.
I shook my head. "I can’t say that thoughts of regret haven’t passed through my mind, but I don’t regret us." I took a breath as he pressed closer to me. "Can you forgive me?" I choked out.
"For what?" He wrapped his arm around me. "You’ve done nothing wrong."
"I didn’t listen to you about Loreley."
He shook his head. "Lilli, I love that you tried to be friends with her, that you try to see people for their better qualities. Loreley was not your fault."
The smell of his skin and the feel of his body against mine broke down any walls that I had been building around us. I wrapped my arms around him and he immediately pulled me into his chest tightly.
"Fuck, I’ve missed you!" He whispered into my hair and then kissed the top of my head.
"Aidan…" I felt him tense up, "I still don’t know if I can live like this."
He pulled back and looked at me. "I understand. Just…please don’t leave me." He dropped to his knees and wrapped one arm around my thighs, the other around my waist, his head pressed against my stomach. "I can’t live without you and will do whatever it takes to protect you and our family. You are my life! Lilli, please…"
I hushed him by pulling his face toward mine and leaned down to kiss him. The kiss wasn’t deep, nor passionate, but loving, compassionate. His arms tightened as we kissed.
Then he stood up with me still in his arms, lifting me from the floor. He spun us and I broke off the kiss and laughed at him.