The Polish girl knew. I approached her when she entered the movie house and she handed me her pass without a word. I memorized the Gothic style of the writing the hue of the ink, traced the stamp, and made note of the terms used. Joana’s pass was slightly different from the girl’s due to her assignment. It was helpful to see both.
My father was overjoyed when I showed drafting and visual memory aptitude. As a small boy I could briefly look at his maps and then draw them myself. But as I grew older, my interest wasn’t in creation, but duplication. I loved the challenge of trying to precisely re-create Father’s maps so he couldn’t distinguish the original from the copy.
He acknowledged and praised my talent, but wanted me to produce instead of reproduce. “You are so talented, Florian, why not create something of your own, something that comes from your imagination? As the philosophers say, ‘Life is short, but art is long.’ Contribute a piece of art instead of copying others, son.”
But I wasn’t interested. I loved the idea of restoring old treasures and pieces of art. And once in a while, I liked copying them too.
The handwritten parts of the boarding pass were black. The ink stamp was black. The pass would be simple to forge.
alfred
Hello, sweet girl. How your patience must fray waiting for my letters.
There are no more leisure hours or breaks on the ship. I am told that we will work around the clock until we sail. I am carefully noting and recording all details. The temperature is steady at minus ten degrees Centigrade but the maritime office predicts it will dip even lower. The railings and decks on the top level of the Gustloff are encased in ice, which we are continually ordered to scrape. Fortunately, we will not be using the top deck during the voyage.
Hitler calls for every German to fulfill his duty and make sacrifices. Have others made as many sacrifices as I have, Hannelore? I nearly suffocated in my vapor bath while trying to strengthen my lungs prior to deployment. You will be relieved to know that the eternal thunderstorm that once lived in my chest has finally eased.
Yes, Lore, my main affliction now is simply a malady of eagerness. I feel quite empowered wearing this uniform. I am confident I shall soon receive the documentarian post I deserve. The watchman will prevail.
Following this initial voyage, I look forward to returning to my own territory. This region of East Prussia is quite strange. The East Prussians themselves are a different Germanic breed altogether, very unlike the Deutschen we know.
Some of the Prussian squirearchy are now making their way to the port. One Prussian sailor told me that his family will not come. They refuse to abandon their estate. Instead, they have sent their servants toward the ships for safety. The family members have dug graves for themselves in their garden. Should the Russians arrive, they will step into the dirt pits and take their own lives. Can you imagine? The Führer is offering a means of escape and they refuse to leave their lands. That speaks not of sacrifice but of stupidity. It is annoying, yet somehow quietly satisfying to think of them in the cold ground.
joana
The hot cloth felt glorious on my face. The Wilhelm Gustloff had fifty bathrooms, one hundred showers, and one hundred and forty-five toilets. Dr. Richter gave me a white pinafore apron and suggested that I “freshen up.”
The woman in the mirror was frightening, especially when I realized that she was me. My face was caked with soot, my eyes ringed with grief from the things they had seen. I had lived for twenty-one years, but the recent months had changed me. I scrubbed at the dried blood and grime beneath my fingernails, thinking of the remorse I would never be able to wash down a sink.
To assist others, to help and heal, it was a good distraction. But what would I do about Emilia? In the privacy of the bathroom, alone and unseen, the weight of the experience pressed down upon me. I missed my family, questioned the fate of my country, and feared for my cousin Lina.
Survival had its price: guilt.
Vilnius, Kaunas, my birthplace of Bir?ai. What were the Lithuanian people experiencing? I longed to speak Lithuanian instead of German. To sing Lithuanian songs. Everything I ever loved I had been forced to leave behind.
Someone knocked on the door. I didn’t respond. Some part of me did not want to leave the small steel bathroom. I wanted to stay locked away from the pain and destruction. I didn’t want to be strong. I didn’t want to be “the smart girl.” I was so very tired. I just wanted it all to be over.
Four awful years rose to the surface.
And I started to cry.
florian
The ink was dry. I slid my brushes and supplies into the leather case and returned them to my pack. I jotted some remarks in my notebook, where I had practiced the forgery.
I had two options.