Chapter 18
I'm out for dinner with an old friend. Don't wait up.
I stare at Jax's text message again. Why would he have to pick tonight of all nights to go out for dinner with a friend? Tonight is the night I want to tell him about Bailey. I want him to see that giving everything to that small girl was not only the right thing to do, it was the legally necessary thing to do.
Please come home soon. I need to talk to you.
I send the message knowing that it sounds pleading. I don't care. I have to get this out of the way now.
I walk into the kitchen to prepare something light to eat. I scan the refrigerator, looking at all the fresh fruit and vegetables Jax always keeps stocked there for me. I feel my stomach churn at the thought of eating anything right now. I'm too nervous. I feel way too much anxiety to even think about food at the moment. All I want is to talk to Jax so we can start putting all of this behind us.
I go back to the bedroom and scan my phone. Nothing from Jax. I lay down while I wait. My mind replaying my relationship with Mark over and over. When we were engaged he slept with someone and created another life. He had the child he always longed for and then he was taken from the world. I feel the sobs rush through me. It's the first time I've let myself feel any sorrow since I learned of his death. I tumble into the darkness of sleep, my body shaking from the sadness.
***
I feel his hands on my thighs as I drift back into the reality of the apartment. I glance at the clock near the bed. It's two in the morning.
"Jax?" I reach for him. I need to feel his arms around me.
He lunges towards me and pulls me into a deep embrace. I cling to his body. He smells of perfume and alcohol. He was out with a woman. I can tell. I know. My body is telling me so.
"Where were you?" I whisper the words quietly not wanting to push him into a dark place before we talk about Mark.
"I texted you. I went out for dinner." His words are slurred. His breath tainted with the heavy aroma of whiskey.
"That was hours ago, Jax." I reach to turn on the bedside lamp but his hand stops mine.
"Don't. The word is brittle and hurried. "I just want to f*ck."
Normally, my body would ache at the command. I'd be pulling his jeans off and mounting him in one easy stroke. Tonight it was different. Tonight he was different.
"No." I reach to pull myself across the bed. "I don't want that."
"You never want me anymore," he whispers the words into the darkness but they bite through me just as harshly as they would have in the bright light of day.
"I always want you." I know that my attention to Mark's estate has pushed an unspoken wedge between us.
"Prove it." The challenge comes from a dark place. I can hear it in his tone.
"Stop it, Jax." I push the words back at him wishing that I could see more of his face than the shadowy outline that the sliver of light from the hallway is providing.
"Maybe she'd f*ck me if I asked."
My stomach recoils at the words. She. There was a she. He was out with another woman. I leap past him and rush down the hallway. I slam the door shut as I heave into the sink. The putrid taste of my own bile not nearly as disgusting as Jax's vile words.