“Kat can,” she said softly. “She doesn’t, but she should.”
Vanessa started to feel restless, her brain firing commands at her body to run. Her skin itched to be free of contact and the muscles in her legs jumped, needing to pace, to put distance between her and her past.
“What are you talking about? You took care of your sister her whole life and set a good example for her to follow. Why should Kat blame you for getting out and making something of yourself?”
“Because…I—” She shifted her legs and raised her head to look around, unsure of what she hoped to find. Someone to interrupt them? A magical portal to suck her into a parallel dimension? Despite being outdoors with the night sky stretching out above them, she felt stifled. Trapped.
“Hey, hey, hey.” A large, callused hand palmed the side of her face and redirected her attention. “You’re getting kinda flighty on me, Red. Come on, stay here with me.” He stroked her cheek and brushed her hair away from her face. “That’s it, honey. Take some slow breaths for me.”
She hadn’t realized just how close to a panic attack she’d been until he said that. She hadn’t had one of those since her college days when she learned what her sister had gone through. Oh, God…Kat. Vanessa closed her eyes and focused on Jackson’s deep voice, encouraging her to continue the deep breaths. His strong arms now banded around her, offering her comfort and a sense of security.
His lips touched her forehead in a chaste kiss, relaxing her like a dose of Valium. “That’s better. Tell me why you think Kat should blame you.”
Steeling herself for the onslaught of emotions she knew would accompany the admission, she spoke through a clenched jaw. “Because I left her behind to fend for herself. I wanted out so badly that I convinced myself she’d be okay without me.”
“She only had three years left of school, though, right? And since Carl—”
“My mom found a replacement,” she said sharply. “Tommy. From what I gathered, he was another alcoholic. He wasn’t an angry drunk. But I think he was worse. And Kat was the one who suffered.”
She felt him tense, the muscles under her cheek bunching and holding. “What happened?”
“H-he…” Vanessa shivered in his arms as the dark memories slithered along the walls of her brain, steadily making their way toward the light. She couldn’t stop them now. They were too close to the surface. There was nothing left to do but let them come and trust that eventually she could shove them back where they belonged. “I think he abused her…sexually.”
“Christ.” The vehemence lacing his voice sent shivers down her spine. He must’ve felt it because his arms gathered her close. “I’m sorry, honey, I didn’t mean to scare you.”
“You didn’t.” He had. And she hated it. This woman—this girl—she became when she unlocked the past was not her. Not on the outside. Not anymore. Not since she created her Rules.
“So you’re not sure about what happened?”
She shook her head slightly. “One of Kat’s friends called me and said my mom’s ‘new boyfriend looked at Kat like she was his next meal’ and that Kat had started acting more withdrawn than usual. I called Kat and tried to get her to tell me what was happening, but she just kept saying she was fine and to focus on school. That I’d gotten out, and that’s where I needed to stay.
“So I called my mom. I told her I suspected Tommy was molesting Kat, but she refused to believe me. I screamed. I begged. But nothing I did made a damn bit of difference.” Vanessa took a deep breath and let it out, the tightness in her chest sharpening as her ribs contracted. “I called Kat again. Told her as soon as I could afford the ticket I’d be flying home, but she freaked out. She made me promise I’d stay. S-said she’d h-hurt herself if I came home because of her.”
“Oh, baby, I’m so sorry. I know you must have felt helpless, but she did it because she loved you and wanted the best for you.”
Yes, she knew that. But it didn’t absolve her of the suffocating guilt. The tears streamed continually now and her breath hitched on every inhale. Jax tucked her closer against the solid wall of his chest and the steady beat of his heart coaxed hers to slow and match it, until at last the hysterics disappeared and she had calmed enough to finish the story.
“That was the night I drank an entire bottle of tequila while watching NCIS with Lucie. The night I decided to make a set of Rules that would keep me as far away from the kind of life I’d had growing up as possible.” She tipped her head back to make eye contact. “That’s why my Rules are so important to me. Where the inspiration came from might be a little strange, even silly…but I know if I follow them, I’ll never be like them, and I’ll never get involved with anyone like them, either. Not ever.”