“Hawk has a time-off-for-shopping policy,” Tyra told me.
She said this and I knew she meant it because her head was bent and her thumb was moving over her phone.
I watched, thinking that I wanted to work for whoever this Hawk was.
“I’ll be at your house an hour before you gotta leave for shift tomorrow,” Big Petey said to me, heaving himself off his stool. “You can show me the ropes before you go.”
“Thanks, Big Petey. That’d be great,” I replied.
He lifted a hand and plodded out.
“Ride, Cut, quit tryin’ to kill each other and get your asses over here,” Tack ordered, making me think Tyra should instigate her own cursing levies since her boys were old enough to understand the English language.
“Later, Butterfly,” Joker muttered and my eyes went to him just as my heart again flipped.
“Uh, later, Joker.”
He gave me a look that said nothing, firm behind his wall of steel, then he sauntered to the back hall.
“Elvira,” Tyra said into her phone. “You. Me. Carissa. My boys. Carissa’s Travis. Mall and lunch. Thirty minutes.” Pause, “Which mall do you think? See you there.” She looked to me and smiled. “Let’s roll.”
I hadn’t been shopping with girlfriends since before I got pregnant.
I had no money for trifles, a higher rent coming up, a hefty debt still to pay my old attorney, and non-monetary debts racking up to new friends.
Even with all this, lunch and the mall on the horizon with women I liked, I… could not… wait.
So I didn’t.
Me and Travis rolled.
*
“If you don’t get that,” Elvira started, standing, bouncing, and holding my son to her while holding his hand so he couldn’t smack her with it (anymore). “I’m gettin’ it for you.”
“And I’m getting the other one. The tank with all those rectangular sequins on it,” Tyra declared.
We were in the handicapped dressing room of a store that I’d never been to.
All of us. Including Rider and Cutter, who had proved through a mannequin incident in a previous store that they needed constant vigilance.
And I was standing in front of the mirror in my jeans and a tube top.
It wasn’t your average, everyday tube top.
It was a muted forest green in a smooth, stretchy, but tight knit. It had a thin turnover lip at the top and a seam under the breasts. And it went down my midriff and lower, to tuck into my jeans.
It was a classy tube top.
And I couldn’t believe it with my bigger breasts, but it looked really cute.
Further, Tyra was right. I’d also tried on a black tank that had rectangular silver sequins stitched in an amazing design on the front, and although that wasn’t my normal thing either, it still looked fabulous.
It looked biker babe.
But biker babe chic.
I stared at myself wondering if I’d ever have the nerve to wear such a top.
Then I thought about Joker with his brunette and I wished I could afford it.
On that thought, my phone rang.
“I’m on it,” Tyra said, sitting on the shelf bench, before she dug into my purse, which was on the bench beside her.
I felt a little hand slap my thigh and looked down to see Cutter standing there, his head tipped way back, his mother’s green eyes in a face reminiscent of his father on me.
“Pretty,” he said.
Well, there was another vote.
I smiled at him. “Thanks, honey.”
“Says unknown number,” Tyra stated and I turned to her to see she had her arm extended, phone toward me.
I grabbed it, took the call, and put it to my ear.
“Hello?”
“Ms. Teodoro?” a woman that sounded familiar asked.
“Yes.”
“Hold for Angie, please.”
Oh. My attorney.
I heard a click and then I heard, “Ms. Teodoro?”
“Hi, Angie. Please, it’s Carissa,” I corrected.
Or Carrie.
Or Butterfly.
But those were Joker’s.
I looked back to the tube top, thinking maybe I could afford it, if I could talk Sharon into giving me some overtime next week.
“Just wanted to touch base, tell you we got the files, and I’ve been over them. I’ll transfer you back to Leanne to set up a meeting but I wanted to ask you about breastfeeding.”
I stopped thinking about tube tops and my eyes unfocused as I gave my attention to Angie.
“Sorry?”
“Breastfeeding. There’s a note in your attorney’s file that says that Mr. Neiland refused your breast milk during his visitations with Travis and started your son on formula without discussing this with you. Is this true?”
It was, but I tried not to remember it because at the time I’d been so hurt, and so angry, I’d phoned my attorney and told him all about it.
That being that, in the beginning, when Aaron had Travis for only short periods of time, the fact that I breastfed him wasn’t an issue. I just pumped extra and handed it over when I handed over Travis, and, if needed, I would drop more by his house.
But when Aaron won half custody, it was harder for me to keep up with supply and demand, meaning I couldn’t hand over a week’s worth at one time. This meant that I had to pop by Aaron’s house more often, but also, because I worked and I couldn’t be at Aaron’s beck and call, Tory would have to come by my place or the store to get more milk.
Therefore, this had gone on for two visitations before they stopped setting up pick-up times for more milk, which obviously made me worry.
Then at the end of his time with Travis, Aaron handed my son back to me, telling me he was no longer feeding Travis my milk, but formula. He also declared it was better for Travis if I stopped breastfeeding and switched to formula, essentially ordering me to do so.
Now, I wasn’t the kind of woman who wanted to breastfeed until my kid was five.
But I was the kind of woman who wanted to give my child the kind of nurture and connection he could get only from me until it was a healthy option to stop doing it.
So, of course, I refused. My times feeding Travis were mine. They were beautiful. There was no way to describe how significant that connection was, and I had no intention of giving it up.