Racing for Freedom

chapter Seven





I don’t go into the house when I get home. Instead I walk down the road to my favorite lookout. My father would have a fit if he saw me climbing over the side of the railing and sitting on the edge of the rocks like I do. It’s on the edge of the beach, and the rocks rise up quite high. I climb over the railing and hold onto it until I find my little flat rock. Then I lower myself and let go. I can hear the waves crashing below me. I know how dangerous it is, if I fell, I’d die. It’s that simple.

I hold onto the pole beside me and close my eyes, just listening to the waves crashing angrily against the rocks. The wind howls and carries the sounds from a party down the street. A set of car lights pull up and I sigh. Great, a couple coming to have sex. It’s not the first time I’ve been sitting here and had to wait an hour while they got it over with. I hear the door slam and roll my eyes, I wonder how long I’ll have to wait tonight?

“You know I don’t like you being down there, Dashy.”

Slade. F*ck. How did he find me here? I guess he remembered I used to hide here when I was upset when we were younger.

“Go away Slade.”

“I don’t like you hangin’ off the edge of that cliff Dasha, get up here.”

I feel my eyes widen, even though he can’t see it. He hasn’t called me Dasha for a long time.

“Haven’t you done enough for one night, Slade? Please, leave me alone. We both know you don’t like me and I don’t like you, so don’t bother.”

“I was out of line back there.”

“No shit.”

“Get up here, or I’ll come down. I’m drunk and I could fall.”

Great, now he’s using that against me. Well played, Slade. I turn and use the pole to pull myself back over the railing. When I’m safely over the other side, Slade sighs. I stare over at him. It’s dark but a small streetlight gives off enough light for me to see him. He’s leaning against the hood of his car, staring at me. The light reflects over half his face, making him look even more dangerous and beautiful.

“Why are you drinking and driving?” I mumble.

“I’m not, I just wanted you to come back over the railing.”

“Well played,” I grumble. “Why are you here?”

“I shouldn’t have done that back there.”

“No, Slade, you shouldn’t have. I don’t know what I did to you, I don’t even know why you hate me, but move on. Get over it and move on. Leave me be, let me live my life.”

He narrows his eyes and stares at me. “You think I hate you?”

Well now he’s making me angry.

“Yeah, I do.”

“Why?” he asks, pulling out a cigarette and lighting it.

“That’ll kill you, you know.”

He smirks and takes a drag. “So will racing, eventually.”

I stiffen. “Why would you say that?”

“Answer my question Dashy, why do you think I hate you?”

“I don’t think, Slade, I know.”

“Well I don’t.”

“Really, then why did you treat me so badly the last time I saw you? Why did you make out like I was nothing?”

He looks away a moment. “I don’t how else to be with you.”

“We were friends,” I say quietly.

“I know, but things changed.”

“No, Slade, you changed.”

He looks over at me again. “Maybe I did…and I’m sorry for…”

“Don’t.” I hiss. “Don’t you ever talk to me about that? You might be sorry, Slade, but you couldn’t possibly be more sorry than me. Except I’m sorry I ever did it. I’m sorry I ever let you in my heart. I’m sorry I gave my virginity to you and I’m sorry I ever let you treat me the way you did. You didn’t even say goodbye.”

He drops his cigarette and steps forward. “I f*cked up Dash, what do you want me to say? You won’t accept my apology so what do you want me to do?”

“You took my virginity and then you left, with not even a goodbye.”

“I know that, but life isn’t always…it doesn’t always…”

“What?” I snap. “Go to plan?”

“Yeah, things happened Dash. I had to leave, I didn’t have a god dammed choice.”

“You hurt me, and then you came back and made it worse by being cold.”

“That’s the only way I knew how to be with you after that. I didn’t want to hurt you again, being an a*shole and having you hate me is better than having you love me.”

“Why would you think that?” I whisper, staring at him with a pained expression.

“Just trust me Dash, we can never…we could never…”

“You couldn’t even speak to me, not even a hello?”

He closes his eyes. “I’m sorry ok? Do you think I don’t regret how I’ve treated you?”

“No, I don’t think you regret it. If you regret it, you wouldn’t keep doing it!”

He closes his eyes and slams a fist down onto his car. “Jesus Dash, you have no idea do you? You always lived in this little fantasy world and everyone has always let you, no one has ever made you face things…”

“What is that supposed to mean?” I say in a small voice.

“It means, not everything is how you think it is.”

I shake my head, my hands tremble with emotion. “You know what, I don’t have time for this.”

I turn and begin walking off when he calls out to me. “Dash, stop running from me. Talk to me.”

I spin. “What do you want from me Slade? Do you want to break me down until I have nothing left, just so you can win? Or maybe you want to f*ck me again, just for fun? What is it you are so desperate to pull out of me? WELL?”

He stares painfully at me, it’s the first time I’ve seen pain in Slade’s face for a very long time.

“Dash, if you would just quit being so stubborn and listen. I would tell you that all I ever wanted…”

“Don’t bother,” I snap, cutting him off. “I’m done.”

I turn and storm across the road, unable to take anymore. I run down the small hill and across the grass. I jog the rest of the way home, desperate to get as far away from Slade as I can. When I get to my front porch it’s starting to rain, so I quickly duck inside. My father is standing in the kitchen and he jerks slightly when I step through the door. I can tell by his eyes that he’s drunk. Again.

“Where have you been, Dasha?”

“Out.”

He walks around slowly, as if trying to balance himself. “Out where?”

“To a party, not that it’s any of your business.”

Dammit, why am I being such a bitch, he’s only worried. I soften my expression, but he still looks hurt by my words.

“You had an accident on the track today.”

“It was a spin out, nothing major.”

“I was worried,” he snaps. “Don’t you care about anyone but yourself? I’ve been trying to call all night!”

That does it for me. “I don’t care, I said I’m fine.”

“I taught you how to do those corners, why did you try and do something you couldn’t?”

I lose it then, my emotions finally get the better of me and I begin screaming, my voice getting louder and louder with each word I spit out. “Well, maybe if you came down every now and then, instead of wallowing in this house, you might be able to teach me some new tricks. It’s been year’s dad, and all you’re doing is trying to kill yourself slowly. She’s gone and it wasn’t your fault. Your career is gone, but you can’t live like this. You can’t expect me to keep doing it for you. I won’t buy you alcohol anymore, I won’t. If you want to buy it, you get off your ass and you go and buy it. I’m done. I’m moving out.”

He flinches and his eyes widen. Yes, I know that hurt. It hurt me to have to say it but it’s true. I turn on my heel and storm up the stairs, devastated. I slam my bedroom door and fall onto my bed, forcing the tears back. I have to be strong, I have to pull myself back together. I hear my phone ringing beside me and I dig through my purse to find it. I pull it out and see it’s Lucas. Desperate for comfort, I answer it.

“Lucas?”

“Hey Dash, what’s wrong?”

“Can you come over?”

“Of course,” he says, in that soft, calming voice.

“Thank you.”

“I’ll be there in five.”

I hang up and curl up onto the bed, staring out into the darkness. About ten minutes later, my door opens and I roll to see Lucas walking in. He smiles at me and waves a bag of food in the air.

“I thought you might be hungry.”

“That’s why I adore you, Lucas,” I whisper.

He walks over and sits on the bed, putting the food down beside him. He takes my shoulders and stares me right in the eye, searching my face.

“What happened?”

I shake my head. “It’s just been a bad night, can we eat first?”

He smiles and nods, then he pulls out a couple of burgers. I feel my lips stretch into a smile, he knows it’s the only junk food I’ll never turn down. We sit in silence, eating the burgers and moaning quietly every now and then, over how good they taste. When I’m done, I get off the bed and walk into the bathroom to wash my face and hands. When I sit back on the bed, Lucas goes and does the same thing and then joins me again.

“Hey Luke?”

“Yeah?”

“I think I’m moving out.”

He looks shocked and his eyes search my face. “Why?”

“I can’t do it, I can’t live here and be his…go to, all the time. He’s using me Lucas, and if I don’t leave, he’s going to drown himself.”

“I get it, I know how it must feel for your dad to use you like that.”

“He doesn’t mean to, I know he doesn’t, but if I don’t stop, he’ll never move on.”

“So you told him you’re moving out?”

I nod. “Yeah.”

“Where will you go?”

I shrug, “I don’t know. I’ve got enough money saved to get an apartment, and my job will cover half the rent if I get a housemate.”

He nods. “That’s a good idea, it’s always good to share the rent.”

“Yeah, I’m a little nervous about it all. I don’t even know where to start.”

“Well, first thing tomorrow I’ll help you find somewhere, I know a few people.”

“It’s going to be hard, it has to be around this suburb.”

He nods. “We’ll find something.”

We lay down on the bed and talk for hours. We have that sort of friendship, the one where no awkward silences ever occur. The one that’s made to last forever. I’m not uncomfortable around Lucas, I enjoy being with him and we get along so well. We talk about my night, about Slade, about Payton and racing until finally I fall asleep and darkness takes me away. Just for a moment.