Chapter Nineteen
Alyssa
I didn’t deserve him. I was sitting there sobbing my eyes out
over a guy I just told him I still loved, and he treated me like I was
his princess. He treated me like I wasn’t broken.
And I was. So incredibly, irrevocably broken.
His mouth did crazy things to mine as he tilted my head
back and kissed my neck. Brady never kissed my neck much. I
really liked it. I liked how his lips blazed a possessive trail near my
chin, how his eyes hooded when he watched me. It would be
impossible for me to get tired of the way he makes my body ache,
the way he makes every part of my skin feel more sensitive.
And again I’m reminded, as he pulled away and kissed the
top of my head, I didn’t deserve him. He was shattered enough
without adding me to the mess. We would destroy each other. How
do two people heal together when they can’t even heal apart from
one another?
“We should talk.” I told my mouth to stop moving, to throw
my arms around his neck and tell him I love him. I mean, I wasn’t
sure if love was the right word, but when I thought about being
apart from him, the darkness seemed to close in around me. I
needed my sun. I needed him. But it’s like keeping a shiny toy you
know doesn’t belong to you. You give it back, so it can be enjoyed
by someone more deserving. I didn’t deserve two amazing boys in
the span of two years. I certainly didn’t deserve a rich rock star
who wrote songs about me.
“We are talking.” He pulled me into his side, and we
continued to walk.
“About us,” I said it fast, like ripping off a bandage. We only
had about a mile left to go, before we would be back to where I
took the turn for my house.
I felt his arm tense around my shoulders. “What do you
mean?”
“I mean —” Crap. I don’t know how to do this. “Maybe it’s
just not the right time, you know?”
He stopped and pulled me in for a hot mind-blowing kiss
then set me back to my feet again. “It’s always the right time.”
With Demetri, that could very well be true. And again, why
did his kisses make me forget everything?
He grinned and leaned down for another kiss. His lips
pressed against mine; the warmth of his mouth made my knees
weak. Damn. I needed to get away from him before I made things
worse. I stepped away and sighed. “Look, I just think I need more
time to work through some of my issues. It’s not you.”
Demetri’s eyes widened and then closed for a painful two
seconds in which I almost took back what I’d just said. When he
opened them again, I saw a different Demetri, one that I’d never
seen before.
I kept talking. “It’s me. Like I said, I have a lot of stuff I’m
still dealing with, and I’m just dragging you down, and well, I just I
don’t want to get involved with anyone. So can we just like hang
only sometimes and not be anything more?” There I said it. He
could walk away without feeling guilty. I didn’t need to be fixed.
Not when I saw the same look in his eyes that I saw every day in
the mirror.
His eyes darkened. I took another step back. He shook his
head firmly. “No.”
“No?” Whoa! Where did easy-going Demetri disappear to?
This guy looked more intense, more like his brother. Did they do
some mind-changing thing I wasn’t aware of? Crap. It’s like telling
a lost puppy just to go home, but instead it follows you until you
cave. Why was he making this so hard? I needed him to leave. If he
didn’t leave, I would break, and if I broke I would never have any
hope of being whole again.
Making a snap decision, I kept walking and refused to turn
around…
I felt him behind me. Finally I stopped once we were in the
middle of downtown.
“What?” I snapped.
“No.” Demetri shook his head slowly. “I won’t leave you
alone. I won’t abandon you. I’m sure as hell not going to listen to
you, and you can damn well know that I’m going to fight for you.”
I think my heart just faltered. I blinked a few times to see if
he would start laughing or break out of whatever insane mood he
was in. Instead, he very politely walked me the rest of the way to
my house, said goodnight, and left me at my door.
What just happened? I walked to my room and slammed the
door behind me. I’m pretty sure he just told me no, as in, No. I’m
not going to allow you to self-destruct and push me away. What guy
does that? I mean, his speech was hot. It was the type of thing you
see on TV or read about in books. The prince pursues the princess
and they live happily ever after.
Silly Demetri. He of all people should know that Happily
Ever Afters didn’t exist. It made me sad. I wanted to be a part of his
life. I wanted so many things, but I couldn’t see a world where we
could both exist without ending up hurt, and I was done with
being hurt.
****
Demetri
I walked home pissed. I slammed the screen door and ran up
the stairs, taking them two at a time. I knew Alec and Nat were
probably just getting out of the movie. I dialed Alec’s number and
waited.
“How’d it go?”
“Shitty,” I answered and threw the stupid Seaside sweatshirt
across the room.
“What happened?” I could tell he was walking, because I
heard the car alarm go off and then the doors unlock.
“She told me we needed time apart. That it was too much,
you know, the whole it’s-not-you-it’s-me garbage.”
“I’m sorry, man.”
I rolled my eyes. “Don’t be.”
“I’m confused. Aren’t you pissed?”
“I’m more than pissed, and I even told her so. I kind of told
her no.”
Alec was silent, and then, “Dude, when did you grow a
pair?”
“Last night in my sleep, you ass. Now listen, I kind of got
angry with her and went all protective barbarian he-man.” I still
couldn’t believe I’d raised my voice at her and refused to give up.
“Did you pound your chest and roar?”
I laughed. “Tempted to, but no.”
“Then you’re good.”
“That’s it?” I cursed. “No words of wisdom from the older,
happier, non-drug-addicted brother?”
Alec cleared his throat. “Love her.”
“How do you love a person who doesn’t even love
themselves or see how their behavior is self-destructive?” Whoa.
And suddenly the giant light exploded in my head. So that’s what
all that therapy was about. How do you let others in when you
can’t even look in the mirror? The answer is, you can’t. But
hopefully by showing them that they are lovable, they will start to
see the truth.
“You still there, man?” Alec asked.
“Yeah, um, I gotta go.” I pressed end and threw on a Henley
shirt and put my phone in my pocket.
I had a girl to kiss.