chapter 27
Z
I had punched the wall and destroyed anything in my office trying to erase the horrible vision of what McKnight had done to my Izzy. Somewhere in the middle of my rage I heard the door open. I was seconds too late as I tried to chase after her. She was too fast. I had just made it to the street when I watched her about two blocks down get into a cab. I ran as hard as I could to catch it, but it sped off just as I was near.
Think. Where the f*ck would she go? She had no other friends. Where would she go? Mark? Sandy? Brad? Would she go back to McKnight? No, I couldn’t believe that she would after that story. But then again, it was two years they were together. Did she want to go back to that? I couldn’t help the mix of emotions running through me. Jealously, hatred for him, pity for her, sadness of her recounting never being able to be loved by anyone.
Why didn’t I tell her? Why? I LOVE YOU….it was so easy for me to tell her now in my head. I said it into her mouth while we made the most incredible passionate love during that storm. I didn’t have the courage to even say it to her face. I was still struck by fear of her past and what she wasn’t telling me yet. I should have just said it out loud. F*ck. And now she was God knows where. I ran down to the townhouse hoping Mel might have a clue.
I was breathless as I ran into the kitchen, where they all sat at the island, waiting for us to come back. Mel looked at me and then behind me looking for Izzy. “Where is she?” She asked with a look of panic.
“I don’t f*cking know. She told me everything and then I couldn’t contain my anger. I went crazy punching the wall and throwing things and turned around as she was running out the door. I couldn’t catch her. She grabbed a cab and now I can’t figure out where she would have gone.” I was shaking now. Where the hell was she? What was she thinking? I felt sick to my stomach at the thought of being without her. “Mel, where the hell would she go?” I yelled, but pleaded with her hoping she would have a clue.
“I…I don’t know.” She searched space with her eyes, trying to think of something. “The trail?” She asked hopeful.
“No, it’s too late for that. She wouldn’t go there this late and she was in a f*cking cab.” I spat out, but felt guilty for being rough with her. “F*ck!” I screamed out as I pulled out my phone and began calling her number frantically. It went straight to voice mail.
“Z, we’ll find her. It’ll be okay.” Flynn said trying to calm me down. Mel picked up her cell.
“NO! IT’S NOT GOING TO BE OKAY!” I screamed out. They didn’t know the whole story, how bad he really f*cked with her head. I felt like she just left me forever. “Mel, is she, do you think she would try to hurt herself?” I had no idea what frame of mind she might be in. She wouldn’t take her life, would she? I was starting to panic.
“No, I really don’t think so. I mean after all she’s been through…” Mel was starting to look as panicked as I was. “I’m calling her, but there’s no answer.”
“What about where you went? The ocean? She loved it there. She couldn’t stop talking about how much fun you guys had there.” Flynn said with hope in his voice. Yeah. The inn. I picked up the phone to call and see if she checked in there. The lady at the front desk said no one with her description, nor this late, had come. I gave her my name and number and begged her to call me if Izzy showed up at any point in time.
I texted Izzy and called her over and over again. No response. Her phone went straight to voicemail. I texted over and over again:
Please come home. I promise, I’m not mad. Please…X
I’m sorry for my reaction.
Baby please come home. PLEASE X
I wrote countless other things. Nothing. No response. I thought for sure if I added in my “promise” that I would get her normal response of ‘promises, promises.’ Flynn handed me a glass of Jack. I drank it down as fast as I could, feeling the burn, hoping for the burn to punish me for not being caring and loving with her when she needed it. Instead I acted like an a*shole and went crazy.
My glass was refilled just as soon as I set it down. I put my head down trying to think of where she would have gone. I grabbed my keys and headed for the door.
“Where are you going?” Mel screamed running after me.
“To look for Izzy,” I spat back. I spun back around adding, “Call me if she comes back here!”
I stopped at my house and ran inside, hoping, but knowing she wouldn’t be there. I drove the streets on my bike searching for any sign of her. I checked everywhere she might have gone. I even drove out to the park where were we loved to hike, which was closed. The sun was coming up and still no sign of her. I drove back to my house hoping she was sitting on the steps. Nothing. I checked inside. Nothing. I called Mel, but she told me she wasn’t in her room and hadn’t been back. I drove out to the Inn, but she hadn’t checked in there. I drove around the area and went to the restaurant we went to, hoping she might be sitting there staring out to the ocean. But she wasn’t there. I texted and called her a thousand more times during my drive at every stop I made. Where the f*ck was she?
I wasn’t panicked anymore. I was terrified. Did she just leave me? Is she with him? Is it over? I drove back to my house and called Mel again telling her if she comes to call me. I grabbed another drink of Jack. I needed to feel numb. The pain of the thought of Izzy leaving me hurt so f*cking bad. After the third drink, I broke down crying as the realization that she wasn’t coming back set in.
The day passed by slowly, torturing me with every passing second that I hadn’t heard from her. Night came and I still sat at the table, waiting, hoping and staring at my phone. Texting and calling her just about every second.
I had to get up to plug my phone in before the battery died. I couldn’t have that. What if she tried to call me? She’s not calling me, I told myself.
A knock at the door made me jump up. Izzy! I ran do the door and flung it open. It was Mel and Flynn. They knew from my disappointment that Izzy hadn’t been here. Mel swallowed hard with tears in her eyes. “What did she say to you? What happened that would make her run?” I shook my head. I couldn’t retell that story. I ran to the bathroom and puked just thinking about it.
******
Three days. Three f*cking, long days. The three longest days of my entire f*cking life passed slowly by. I drove around looking for her. I even went down to the trail and waited for Mark to see if he knew where she was. He looked surprised at first, but then had a smug look on his face. He hadn’t seen her. It took everything I had not to beat the piss out of him just because I had so much frustration in me. I called her endlessly. I texted her nonstop. Not a single response from her. No call. Nothing.
I stopped by the bar, last ditch hope that she might be there. She wasn’t. I walked into my office, looked at my desk and felt sick remembering how I took her so forcefully. Why had I done that? I told her I had to claim her...as if she were an object. An object instead of the woman I’m in love with. I felt sick thinking of how I ‘claimed’ her and then what she told me McKnight had done to her. How he made her feel like a cheap whore and I had probably made her feel the same in the manner I had screwed her on my desk.
I looked around my office wondering why no one had bothered to clean it for me, like whoever had done in the past, when I flaked out after F*cking Whore cheated on me. They didn’t even prep the alcohol order for the week.
Mark walked in just as I was glancing around.
“Hey Boss. How ya hanging in there?” He asked, concern clearly marked over his face. I could tell he already knew what happened. That Izzy left me.
“Yeah, not so great.” I looked away knowing I still had tears trying to well up in my eyes. I was able to swipe them away quickly. “How come you or Sandy didn’t get a chance to get the alcohol order ready for me to sign off on?” I asked trying to change the subject, trying to at least escape the thought of Izzy leaving me for a second or so.
“Um, Sandy and I weren’t the ones doing that Boss. Izzy started doing that almost from day one. She also worked on the books for you.” He looked at me curiously. “Sandy and I thought you knew that. Thought you told her to since she has that accounting degree and all. Not to mention she was practically a manager at that bar she worked at in college. She knew how to do all that.”
F*ck. How stupid am I? I didn’t see all that she had done for me...all this time. She took the time when I was falling apart to help me out, to take care of things that needed to get done during a tough time. And here I couldn’t even give her that sympathetic ear she needed to get through retelling what horrible shit she went through. I shook my head and tried to hold it together.
Mark put his hand on my shoulder. “Sorry Boss, you’ll find her. It’ll be okay. She really loves you. She’ll come back.” He gave me a final pat as he walked out my office door to the bar.
I went back home, my last hope that she might turn up at some point. Today was the third day I was without Izzy. I decided not to drive around anymore and stay at the house hoping she would come here. I didn’t eat, I didn’t sleep. I kept staring at the phone. “CALL ME!” I screamed at my phone crying. Why won’t she just call me? Just call me just to talk? I just want to know she’s okay. “F*ck,” I screamed out to no one.
My phone rang and I jumped, grabbing it, hoping it was Izzy. I glanced at the caller ID. Matt. My stomach dropped. She wasn’t calling. Who was I kidding? I answered hoping for inspiration from my big brother.
“I heard you’re all out of sorts.” Matt said sadly.
“She left me.” I started crying. “She left me, Matt.”
“Oh man…” Matt sighed. “Z, I’m sorry. Look, I’ve got a business dinner in town tonight. I’ll come over after and we’ll…we’ll go out or something. It’s gonna to be alright Z, really, you’ll get through this,” he said hopeful.
“No, no I won’t. I love her. I f*cking love her. I want her forever and she’s gone, Matt. She’s f*cking gone.” I cried like a baby.
“Hey…come on Z. It’ll be okay. Really. Maybe she just needs to work out some shit. It’ll be okay.” Nope. No, it wasn’t. But I was done telling him that.
“Look, I’ll be over later, we’ll hang out and figure stuff out. It’ll be alright. Hang in there brother. I’ll be over later,” Matt insisted.
“Yeah, okay.” I said hanging up. What the f*ck did he know? He never wanted any relationship. He was pretty much like Clark and liked to f*ck anything that walked. I wasn’t like that, I wanted Izzy. She’s all I ever wanted.
I continued texting and calling her phone. Nothing. All day long.
Then my phone rang around 6:30. It was Matt again. I picked it up, again, disappointed it wasn’t Izzy. “Brother, what would you say to Izzy right this second if she were standing right in front of you?”
“I’d tell her that I’m sorry for being such a jackass and flipping out instead of telling her how much I love her.” My eyes welled up again, “I love her so much Matt.”
“Well Z, get your f*cking ass over to The Magenta NOW. Izzy’s here. She’s sitting at a table with some guy.”
I jumped up off the couch and grabbed my keys while still on the phone with Matt. I swiped away at the tears that had welled up in my eyes and sniffled. “Did she see you?”
“No, I don’t think so.”
“Don’t let her see you, but don’t let her to leave. I’m on my way,” I screamed into the phone.
She was with him? Why? Why the f*ck was she with him? What the f*ck was she doing? She f*cking left me for him? Why?