We set limits for ourselves all the time. This imaginary line that you’re positive you won’t ever cross. An action that you are positive you would never do, no matter what. But what we don’t consider when we draw our line is a change in our situation.
An action that you were sure last week you wouldn’t do suddenly becomes a viable option this week because the situation has driven you to it.
Then you move your limit line and talk yourself into believing that this new line will never be crossed.
A man will take a stand and proclaim, “I would never lie to my wife.” But what if he maxes out their credit card because of his internet porn addiction?
The line gets moved.
I’m sure if you ask any mother or father they would not hesitate in harming or even killing someone who was about to do the same to their child.
The line gets moved.
A girl who is so consumed by the pain and empty ache of loneliness will be driven to do anything, no matter how degrading she thinks it is, because she wants to numb the chronic pain.
The line gets moved.
The line keeps moving and moving until one day you realize you’re limitless.
If you are being completely honest with yourself, there is absolutely nothing you wouldn’t do if the situation required you to cross another line.
My body, mind, and soul stopped functioning when I saw Noah flip our table over and kick the legs until they broke. The sight of him as he dropped to his knees was hard enough to watch, but when he picked up one of the broken wooden legs, and threw it full throttle into the air, I couldn’t take watching any longer, and turned my head away. I hated myself. How could I have done that to him? Glancing toward him one last time, I saw his shoulders begin to shake from sobbing and I was completely shattered.
Breaking up our friendship was only supposed to be temporary, but this didn’t feel temporary. This didn’t feel like the break we had last year. This felt permanent. He was done with all my excuses, all my insecurities, and all the times I gave into my desires only to pull away, again and again. Tonight was the last straw for him. Not only had I achieved my goal, I surpassed it. I didn’t just break up our friendship, I completely destroyed it. I had to hold on to the belief that this was the right thing to do for him otherwise I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.
I turned and started walking away from the park. I had no idea where I was going. My body felt numb and my mind was blank. I was unconscious of how long I had been walking or the direction I had been going in.
When I finally stopped and looked up, it took several minutes for my mind to clear and recognize where I was. I saw my hand move toward the doorbell and push it. When the door opened, the light from the inside ran across my face causing me to squint. He stood there, wide-eyed, and in shock. I wasn’t positive, but I thought I saw a slight smile on his lips when he realized it was me.
“Amanda? What are you doing here?”
I didn’t know how to answer him. I wasn’t exactly sure what drew me here. I certainly didn’t make a conscious choice to come here.
I hadn’t talked to Brad since the day he humiliated me. By the look on his face, I could tell I had been standing there a while without answering his question.
“Are you alone?” My voice was weak and small. He eagerly looked back over his shoulder then back at me.
Quirking an eyebrow up and smiling he said, “No, but I can be. Just give me a second.”
Stepping back, he motioned for me to come in. My legs didn’t hesitate. I knew where I was and who I was with. This boy was responsible for my complete humiliation a few months ago. Maybe, subconsciously I knew Brad was what I deserved. I sure as hell didn’t deserve anything better than this douchebag.
I could hear the sound of muffled music coming from down the hall where the game room was located. Brad ushered me quickly into the kitchen.
“Wait here while I get rid of my…um…company.”
He walked out of the kitchen and disappeared down the hallway. The music stopped and muffled voices filled the air.
At one end of the kitchen there was a breakfast nook. I pushed myself in the corner of the nook as much as possible trying not to be seen. The feeling in my numb body started to return. The voices got louder and clearer the closer they came. As the numbness continued to wear off I could feel a heaviness in my chest that was making it hard to breathe. My fingers were cold while my palms started to get moist. I could feel the trickle of sweat rolling down my forehead. I was burning up. My body wasn’t the only thing coming back to life. I couldn’t stop the pictures of Noah’s pain from flashing across my mind. This wasn’t the time or the place to have my nervous breakdown. I had to get numb again. I needed an escape from my heartache.
When I thought this night couldn’t get any worse, I heard the syrupy sweet drawl that made me cringe.
“Where are we going? I thought you wanted to bend me over the pool table and …”
“Not tonight Brit. Something very important just came up.” Brad sounded eager and in a hurry to get her out the door.
“I bet I can make something important come up,” she said, laughing at herself.
Their voices got louder as if they were headed into the kitchen. I used the sleeve of my shirt to wipe the sweat away from my face and tried to calm my breathing down.
“Brittani, your cab will be here any second. You need to go wait for it outside,” Brad told her.
“I just want to get a bottle of water.”
Brittani stumbled into the kitchen and over to the refrigerator. Her back stayed facing me. She grabbed a bottle of water then leaned against the counter while she tilted her head back and drank. If either of us moved just a half an inch she’d discover me.
There were two ways into the kitchen, one from the hallway and the other from the dining room. The dining room was next to the living room and the living room was next to the front door. If she went through the dining room then she would walk straight out of here and not spot me.
She started toward the dining room. I let out a slow sigh of relief, and then suddenly she said, “I forgot my purse.”
She whipped around and saw me. It took her a few seconds to focus her eyes before realizing it was me standing in front of her.
“What the f*ck is she doing here? Is this the something important that just came up?” she snapped.
Brad simply shrugged his shoulders and gave her a cocky grin. “Brit, come on, your cab just drove up.”
Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out a large wad of cash, and shoved it at her. I couldn’t help but think this scene was a foreshadowing of her future career.
She grabbed the cash and took a few steps in my direction, all the while glaring at me.
“I don’t get it,” she said as she pointed her finger at me, making a zigzag motion in the air up and down my body. “Noah always wanted to get his dick in you and now you got Brad’s twitchin’.” She stumbled back slightly and chuckled. Looking at Brad she asked, “What is it about her? Does she have a magic vagina or something?”
“Okay Brit, it’s time for you to go.” Brad stepped toward her taking her elbow.
“I need my purse,” she said, shrugging out of his grasp.
“You have it already.” He pointed to the purse dangling at her hip. He then grabbed her arm a little more forcefully and tugged her out the door to the awaiting cab.
I knew I should get out of there, but I didn’t. I stayed right there in the kitchen, waiting for the douchebag to come back. How did I become this pathetic? I kept telling myself I just needed to be somewhere no one would find me.
Brad came back into the kitchen and landed right in front of me. His usual cocky expression covered his face.
“Your mom’s not home?” I asked.
“Nope. She has a new beau, so every second she’s not working on a case, she spends over at his place. I do believe the Mother of the Year Award will elude her again.” He paused for a moment. His eyes scanning my body like some wild animal sizing up his prey. “Are you okay?”
I took in a deep breath and simply nodded. He took another step, bringing him so close to me I could smell the scent of cinnamon coming off of him.
“Why are you here, Amanda?” he asked, in a low sultry voice.
Sheepishly looking up at him, I answered, “I didn’t have anywhere else to go. Can I stay here for a little while, please?”
“Sure. You want anything?” He had a look in his eye like he was ready to pounce on me.
“A drink would be good. Thanks.”
“What’s your pleasure? Besides my face between your legs, that is?”
I wanted to slap the smugness off his face. It was as if he knew why I had shown up on his doorstep. I still wasn’t completely sure why I came here. Before, if he had said something like that I would have laughed because I’d know he was teasing me, but now everything out of his mouth had slime all over it.
Amanda, have an ounce of self-respect and leave.
“Something strong would be great,” I said.
“I think I can give you something strong.”
He stood back allowing me to go first. I knew the game room was where they kept all the alcohol in the house. I entered the room and immediately noticed the bar crowded with various bottles of liquor, enough for an entire party. It must have all been for Brittani. Brad didn’t appear the slightest bit drunk. He sauntered behind the bar.
“What can I get you?” he asked.
“Anything. You choose.”
“Those are dangerous words, Beautiful.”
“Don’t call me that,” I snarled.
Climbing up on the barstool, I watched as he pulled a clean pitcher from behind the bar. Eyeing the measurements, he poured alcohol from several different bottles into it, occasionally glancing up at me. He threw some ice in a glass, poured a generous amount of the drink, and handed it to me. He then poured himself a glass and walked over to me.
“What is this?” I asked, glancing up at him.
“Long Island Iced Tea,” he said peering at me over the rim of his glass. “You want to go sit on the sofa?”
“Not really. This is fine.” I paused for a moment. “I’m sorry I ruined your evening.” I put as much sarcasm in my statement as possible.
He shook his head. “Don’t worry about it. Brit was only a three point five.” He was such an arrogant bastard.
“You’re disgusting.”
Smiling, he leaned in close to me and said, “But in a good way.” I rolled my eyes and took a gulp of my drink. “Amanda, are you going to tell me why you’re here? You look like you just lost your best friend. Speaking of best friends…Stewart won’t be looking for me tomorrow ready to kick my ass, will he?”
“You don’t have to worry about Noah anymore.”
I swiveled the chair around to the bar and poured myself another drink. I had downed the first one in record time. I wanted a buzz as soon as possible. I needed to feel numb again.
“Oh, is there trouble with Mr. Perfect?”
“Don’t talk about him.” Brad wasn’t good enough to even have Noah’s name cross over his lips.
I downed drink two just as fast as the first. I was feeling pretty buzzed, but my mind wouldn’t shut up.
I’m a horrible person and don’t deserve anything good and decent in my life. I deserve this disgusting human being in front of me.
“You might want to slow down with those. I don’t want to find another surprise in my trashcan like before,” he said.
I started laughing. “I was so busy having a nervous breakdown, I forgot to enjoy the thought of you finding my puke in your room. Tell me, do the girls usually throw up after you’ve f*cked them? Because if they do that doesn’t bode well for you, buddy roe.” I turned and poured myself another drink.
I hated Brad for what he had done to me, but somehow I was still attracted to him, drunk or not.
I was such a pathetic idiot.
He had on a pair of worn jeans that hung low on his narrow hips. They were ripped mid-thigh on both legs and just below his right knee. His t-shirt fit him like a glove. I had no trouble making out the details of his well-defined chest. He must have upped his workouts because he looked more chiseled than I remembered. The sleeves hugged the muscles of his toned arms, showing off how cut they were. The color was a deep coral which made his golden skin and hair stand out even more. Most guys wouldn’t be able to pull off that color, but Brad could. We stared at each other as I drained my third glass dry. The pain I felt when I first got here had subsided. Long Island Iced Tea was a miracle elixir. I went to pour another glass, but Brad grabbed my elbow. “I think you need to take a breather.”
“What a boy scout you are.” I swiveled back and forth a few times in the chair, glancing around the room. Brad’s eyes remained glued on me. “Sooo…you and Brit-ta-neee? You hit a dry spell or something, buddy?”
“What do you mean?” I could tell he was finding me amusing.
I leaned forward and loudly whispered, “She’s kind of a skank. Besides, you said she was only a three and a halfer.” I leaned back in my chair, laughing. “Even though you’re a vetter birgin. No wait, a better virgin. That’s not it either. You’re not a virgin. Oh well, whatever, you’re a Smurff*cker. What was I talking about? Hey! Why did you let me in if you and Skankzilla were just about to play pool?”
“I’ve missed you.” As if on cue, his trademark megawatt smile crept across his sexy face.
Yep, I had to admit it, Brad was a stack of hotcakes covered in sexy syrup and I wanted to fork him.
Brad is slime, but that’s what I deserve after what I did to Noah.
“Well, a three point five sure thing is better than the memory of a nine point seven five. And that’s all it will ever be with me, just a memory, Smurf fuc-kah.” I raised my hand in front of his face and snapped my fingers, showing him I meant business.
“I’m charming as hell, though. I’m sure I can persuade you to sit on my face for a while.”
“You make my skin crawl.”
“I’d like to crawl all over your skin.”
“Are you serious? Do you actually believe a girl would find that charming?”
Completely ignoring my question, he said, “Amanda, why did you come here?”
“I don’t know why.”
“Yes you do.”
“Enlighten me then,” I sneered at him.
“You and I aren’t that different, you know. Yeah, I used you to win a bet, but you used me too.”
“How the hell did I use you?”
“Who were you thinking of every time we hooked up and who are you trying to forget tonight?”
I stared at him, keeping my expression as neutral as I could. I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of knowing he was right.
“You used me as a stand-in for Mr. Perfect. I used you to make some cash and now you’re back for more. When I f*ck you tonight, I won’t be making a dime off of it. When you close your eyes as I’m sliding into you, whose face will you see? So, you tell me, which one of us is more disgusting?”
Brad leaned into me, sitting his glass down on the bar. He was so close I could feel the heat radiate off his body. He looked down at me. Reaching up, he tucked some of my stray hair behind my ear then his fingers slowly moved down, tracing the outline of my jaw and continued down my neck, stopping just short of my breasts. Lifting my lids, I was hypnotized by sapphire blue eyes.
His touch sent shivers down my body. How could I be so attracted to someone I despised, someone who was responsible for one of the worst days of my life?
Because he’s right, you’re no better than he is, Amanda.
I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. I just wanted to feel numb and forget the overwhelming pain I was in and caused.
“So now that we’ve cleared the air. Why are you really here, Amanda?” Brad asked.
“I want you to make me forget,” I whispered. We were so close my lips brushed against his with each word.
“That wasn’t so hard to admit, was it? In fact, I’ll be happy to call you Tweet if it’ll help.” The sound of him saying my nickname made me sick.
Before Brad had a chance to say another word, I grabbed the back of his neck, pulled his lips to mine, sucking them in. I clawed at his shirt, silently begging him to take it off. He did. His hands wasted no time slipping underneath my skirt and finding my hips. Fingers dug into my skin as I wrapped my legs around his waist pulling him closer to me. Lifting me up, he carried me to the pool table and laid me on my back. I heard the sound of a zipper and then foil ripping. Grabbing behind my knees, Brad jerked me forward so that my hips sat right at the edge of the table. I felt his cold hands run up my legs. Before I knew it he had ripped my panties off and was pounding into me.
My head was fuzzy from the drinks, but I was extremely focused on what I was doing. I didn’t think about the past or the future. The only thing that mattered was this moment in time. There was relief in this moment. There was no guilt, heartbreak, or loneliness. I was able to escape all of that with a few drinks and a willing guy. I’ll deal with how ashamed I was about myself later.
I spent the summer trying to forget Noah with Brad. Sex with Brad was like a drug. During sex, I could shut down and shut out. It was a momentary relief, an escape from the pain that I woke up to every morning. Escaping became very addictive, but like with any drug, once you come down from the high the pain and loneliness are still there accompanied by self-hate and disappointment.
Being with Brad also released me from the need to be perfect. I didn’t care what Brad thought of me, expected of me, or did to me. He was irrelevant. Any guy could help me achieve the same results. Brad was just convenient and familiar.
When I wasn’t with Brad, I tried to stay busy, but Noah always lingered in my thoughts. The only time he wasn’t was during my encounters with Brad. I plodded through my days as best I could. The one thing that would completely derail me was if I saw Noah. Seeing him would send me straight to my room and under the covers until the next day. I did everything in my power to make sure that didn’t happen. But there were days when I couldn’t keep myself from peering out the window hoping to catch a glimpse of him.
A week before I was to leave for school, I found myself glued to the window above the kitchen sink. There was a clear view of the Stewart’s backyard from it. Since I only had a week left before moving, I didn’t think it would do any harm to stop fighting the pull that window had on me. Once I was in Columbia, Noah would be completely out of reach and sight.
Mom had already passed through the kitchen once and saw me at the window. Fifteen minutes later when she came back through and I was in the same spot her curiosity got the best of her. Standing beside me, she followed my gaze out the window.
“Do you mind me asking what is so interesting in our backyard?”
“Nothing, I guess I just spaced out. I have a lot on my mind with getting ready for school.” I lied.
What had me glued to that spot was Noah and Brooke hanging out at his pool. I had seen them out there before. What I hadn’t seen before, in fact all summer, was a smile on Noah’s face. The smile that I loved and missed had resurfaced. He was happy and with Brooke. The ache that started in my stomach invaded the rest of my body. My heart broke because I knew I was the one who took that smile from him and Brooke was the one who gave it back.
Mom draped her arm around my shoulders and pressed her cheek to the side of my head, squeezing me slightly. “He’s still seeing Brooke? Is that why he hasn’t been around at all this summer?” I nodded.
“There wasn’t enough room for Brooke and I both in his life.” I felt my tears building up. “She makes him happy. Look at his smile.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat. You could hear the shakiness in my voice.
Mom hugged me one more time and said, “Looks can be deceiving. You can’t always tell what’s going on inside a person from outside. People put on a brave face when they’re trying to get over heartbreak, but that doesn’t mean they have. You and Noah have a rare bond and always will. There’s no one out there who can break that.”
“Thanks Mom.”
I pried my eyes from the window, hugged my mom, and went to my room. I grabbed my phone and did what I had been doing all summer, especially when I saw Noah. I texted my dealer.
Me: U home alone & want some company?
His response was immediate.
Brad: It depends. What are you wearing? Forget it, doesn’t matter. I’m just going to rip it off you. Come now! ;)
I felt my stomach churn as I read his words. He really was a Smurff*cker. But none of that mattered to me at the time. I knew in twenty minutes my thoughts would be focused somewhere else and I would have my escape.
I’ve got nothing for my journal entry today. Holy shit! I’m attending an acclaimed university and majoring in journalism. How the hell can I NOT have anything to write about? I always have something to say, an opinion, a stupid idea, but not today.
What if this continues when I get to school? I’ll be a laughing stock. Other students will point, stare, and laugh uncontrollably at me. I mean, a journalist without words is…SHIT! I don’t even have the right words to answer that question. I’m going to have to move back home. I’ll be whispered about behind my back. The only job I’ll be able to get will be measuring old ladies for the correct bra size. Nobody wants that job. This is karma and she’s bitch slapping me all the way into next week.