I read somewhere that there’s no worse pain than experiencing the death of a loved one. I think there is one pain that overrides that of losing a loved one, though. That’s the pain of not being given the opportunity to say goodbye.
You don’t get to tell the person how much they’ve influenced you. You don’t get to tell them how much you appreciate what they have done for you. You don’t get to tell them how much you love them and will miss them. When you don’t get the chance to say goodbye, you don’t get the chance to say thank you. Everyone deserves a thank you and goodbye.
I lightly knocked on his door and said, “Noah, it’s me.”
I heard his raspy deep voice answer, “Come in.”
I entered and closed the door behind me. Noah was lying on his back in bed with the heel of his palms covering his eyes. He brought his hands down, sat up, and looked at me. I almost crumbled to the floor. Sorrow and devastation poured off of him.
We looked into each other’s eyes for a moment, and then Noah said, “He had a heart attack at work. He was gone before the paramedics had a chance to get there.” He tried to compose himself enough to continue. “I just saw him this morning and he looked fine. We were going to Fenway next month, Tweet.” He choked on every word, unable to contain his sobs any longer.
My eyes were full of tears. My heart had never ached so completely for anyone. I wanted desperately to take all his pain away. Not saying a word, I crossed the room to him. I kicked off my shoes, crawled up on his bed, and sat behind him. Noah rested back against my chest. Wrapping my arms and legs around him, I buried my head in the crook of his neck, and held him tight while he sobbed and cried out in pain.
I whispered into his neck, “You’re dad was a great man and he was so proud of you.”
Our sobs began to subside. We remained in the same position, sitting quietly. After a while there was a soft knock on the door.
A female voice said, “Noah, its Brooke. Can I come in?”
Before he could answer, the door creaked open and Brooke walked in. Seeing us sitting on the bed in that position caused a look of anger to flash across her face. Noah remained in my arms with his eyes closed. Brooke kept her glare on me while her voiced remained steady.
“What’s going on?” she asked.
Rubbing his face, Noah replied, “Brooke, I really don’t want to be around anyone right now. I’m sorry. I’ll call you tomorrow.”
Brooke narrowed her eyes at me, her glare becoming more intense. I could see her body stiffen and become rigid. Her lips pursed together as her expression tightened. She was angry and hurt. I knew Brooke was his girlfriend and should be the one consoling him. I started to pull away from Noah so she could take my place, but he clamped on to my arm like a vise and wouldn’t let me go.
I turned my head to her. My eyes asking her to understand how much pain he was in. He probably didn’t realize how what he said sounded. Without saying another word, she turned and left.
“Maybe I should go and let her stay,” I said.
Noah turned over on to his stomach, wrapped his arms tightly around my waist and rested his cheek on my chest.
He mumbled, “Don’t leave me. I need you, just you. I don’t want to be round anyone else, but you, Tweet.” His body began to tremble. I could feel my shirt getting wet from his tears.
I squeezed him tighter and whispered, “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.” We never left Noah’s bed that night. We fell asleep holding each other.
The next morning, Noah and his mom were scheduled to go to the funeral home to finalize his dad’s arrangements. He asked me to go and I did. I never left his side. Noah kept physical contact with me constantly during the day. He was either holding my hand, sitting close, or wrapping his arms around my shoulders or waist. It was as if touching me calmed him and gave him some peace.
I didn’t see Brooke the entire day. I wasn’t sure if that was her decision or Noah’s. It seemed odd to me that she wouldn’t be here for him. I knew last night was awkward and she was hurt, but his father just died and he was devastated. I didn’t like Brooke, but I didn’t think she’d be so petty and stay mad at Noah.
The Stewart’s home was a buzz of activity. People were stopping by constantly, bringing food and giving Noah and his mom condolences. My entire family was trying to help wherever we were needed. The Stewarts were our family. My dad and Mr. Stewart were like brothers. His death hit my dad extremely hard. The two men were the same age and Mr. Stewart appeared to be in as good a shape as my dad. They ran together a few times a week and even played basketball often. The fact that Mr. Stewart could apparently be in good shape and this still happened, scared my dad.
I had done some laundry that afternoon. I was walking down the hallway headed to the linen closet to put up sheets and towels. I started to pass Mr. Stewart’s home office. I stopped, remembering when we were kids that there was always candy in that office. Noah’s dad would bribe us with Skittles if we would go out in the backyard to play while he was working.
I heard Noah on his cellphone. “I can’t do this right now.” He paused to let whoever was on the other end talk. “Christ, Brooke, my dad just died and my mom is a basket case. I need her with me.” There was another pause. “I’ve told you a thousand times she’s my best friend.” The next pause was a lot longer than the others. “I know what it must have looked like, but she’s not going anywhere. She’s a huge part of my life, so you’ll have to get used to it, if we’re together.” There was one more quick pause. “That’s up to you. I need to go. I’ll see you tomorrow at the funeral.” He hung up without saying goodbye.
Noah came out of the office and caught me eavesdropping.
“I guess you heard that.” His hand went immediately to my shoulder. He noticed I glanced at it. “You think it’s weird?” he asked.
“What?”
“That I can’t seem to go more than two seconds without touching you.”
“It’s a good weird.” I gave him a slight smile.
“I’ll quit if you want.” I shook my head. “It’s just I feel like if I let go of you for a long time, I’ll lose you.”
“I’m here as long as you need me. You don’t have to let go until you’re ready. But, I don’t want to cause trouble for you with Brooke. She wasn’t happy last night when she saw us in your room.”
“She’ll be fine… eventually.” He let the corners of his mouth curl up slightly. “Brooke is pissed. Can you believe that? My dad just died and she’s pissed because I need you.”
“She just wants to help, Noah.”
“She needs to understand that what I need right now is you. Nobody can take your place in my life, Tweet.”
I couldn’t help the slight blush that scattered across my cheeks. I liked the feeling of being needed by him.
I was having a hard time getting to sleep that night. The past two days had been so busy with activity I hadn’t had time alone to write in my journal. There were so many thoughts and feelings running around in my head and I needed to get them down on paper. When I couldn’t sleep, it was because I was thinking too much. Usually when I put those thoughts on paper, it helped my mind clear and I was able to fall asleep. My phone startled me when it chimed with a text.
Noah: Look out your window.
I got up, walked over to my window, and opened it. Standing underneath it was Noah. His eyes were glassy and red. I assumed from crying.
My voice was low and quiet. “Hey, what are you doing out here this late? Are you okay?” I knew that was a stupid question.
“No. I’m not okay. Can I come in?”
“Of course you can. Go around to the front door and I’ll let you in.”
“I don’t need the front door.”
He started climbing in my window. He seemed a little unsteady, so I helped pull him in the rest of the way. Once he was inside, I could smell the alcohol. I thought he had sounded a little strange outside. I couldn’t blame him for being a little drunk after what he’s been going through. He stumbled some on his way to my bed, so I followed behind him, helping him sit down. The look in his eyes broke my heart. He looked so lost and alone.
He reached out and grabbed my hips, pulling me into a hug. My bed was pretty high up. Standing in front of Noah while he sat brought my chest to his eye level. Without saying anything, I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him close to me. I let my fingers run through his silky hair. Even with the distinctive smell of alcohol, he smelled wonderful, fresh and citrusy.
“I wish I could take your pain away,” I whispered into his hair. He hugged me tighter.
We stayed like this for a while, then I felt Noah’s fingers start to slowly move underneath my shirt as he nuzzled my chest. It was late and I was dressed for bed in a pair of long pajama pants and a baby doll t-shirt. My nipples were rock hard as he nestled his face deeper. I was so embarrassed. I was trying to comfort my best friend and was getting turned on.
I tried to take a step back, but Noah held me tight, not letting me move. He looked up at me through his long dark lashes. His beautiful light blue eyes were dim with pain. The look shattered me. I wanted to make it disappear.
Our breathing became heavier. Noah never broke eye contact as he began to kiss my breasts over the t-shirt. His lips felt incredible even through the material. My skin was on fire while wave after wave of shivers ran up and down my body.
His lips moved down until he found the small spot of exposed skin right above my hip bone. My fingers curled around his hair and a slight gasp escaped me when I felt his tongue circle around my navel then dip deep into it. His hands slid down my back, landing on my ass. His lips traveled slowly up my torso, gently sucking and licking my blazing skin. He was drunk, in an enormous amount of pain, and had a girlfriend. Noah had stopped us from making a huge mistake the first time I was drunk, I needed to do the same. We had to stop. This had gotten completely out of control.
“Noah…” My voice was so breathless and quiet, I wasn’t sure he heard me.
“Your skin is so soft and sweet,” he mumbled against my stomach.
“We can’t do this,” I whispered.
My fingers disentangled from his hair. My hands slid down his muscular arms and landed on top of his hands that were glued to my ass. I tried to remove them, but he had such a strong grip and wouldn’t let go. He brushed his lips along my collarbone then nibbled his way to the spot right beneath my ear.
He whispered, “I need you. You’re the only one I want. Every time I’m with her, I think of you. I need to be inside of you so bad. Please don’t make me leave.”
It took every ounce of strength not to give into him. I wanted him just as much as he wanted me. “Noah, you’ve been drinking and you’re hurting. You’re not able to think straight. Plus, you have a girlfriend. You’re not that guy. You don’t cheat.”
Noah released his grip on me, curling his arms around my waist as I slid mine around his neck. We hugged each other so tight, it was hard to catch a deep breath. His body began to tremble slightly and I felt tears drip down my neck.
“Please don’t leave me,” he begged against my neck.
“I’m not going anywhere except where you go.”
“Thank you,” he whispered.
“Stay here tonight. You’re aunts are at your house with your mom, right?” He simply nodded his head.
I took Noah’s shoes off and helped him empty the pockets of his jeans. He was steady enough to manage taking them off himself. I pulled back the covers of my bed and he climb in dressed in his boxers and t-shirt.
“I’m going to get you some water and aspirin,” I said as I covered him up.
Noah grabbed my hand before it left the covers. He looked up at me, his beautiful eyes still glistening. “I couldn’t get through this without you. I love you so much, Tweet.”
I swallowed hard when I heard him say he loved me. This was the second time he had told me and I still never said it back to him, at least not so he could hear it. But, it didn’t seem to matter whether I said it to him, he wanted me to know how I affected his heart. I hoped he could feel how much I loved him, even though I couldn’t tell him.
“You’re not going to have to get through anything without me.” I gave him a small smile.
Relief spread across his face. I kissed him on his forehead before going to get his water and aspirin. By the time I returned to my room, he had already fallen asleep. I knew he hadn’t gotten any sleep the past couple of nights, so I didn’t bother to wake him up. I stared down at him for a long time. He looked so peaceful. Saying goodbye to his dad tomorrow was going to be the hardest thing Noah has ever had to do. At least he’ll be able to have a few hours of peace while he sleeps.
I walked to the door and shut off the small lamp that was on my dresser. Before leaving, I turned to look at him one more time. The moonlight was shining through the window illuminating his beautiful peaceful face.
“I love you too, Noah,” I said before shutting the door and heading to the guestroom for the night.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me. That’s not true, really. Words have an immense power over people. Words represent ideas and thoughts. No matter what anyone says, we all care, to a certain extent, how others view us. We may not care what everyone thinks of us, but there’s always that one person, who with a few words holds the power that could make us or break us.
The funeral was as heartbreaking as I expected, but Noah was the pillar of strength for his mom. Afterwards, Mrs. Stewart had invited close friends and family back to her house. Noah was staying close to his mom’s side, helping her greet and receive condolences from people. Brooke stayed close by Noah’s side, keeping her arm securely linked with his whenever possible. I tried to keep a little distance. The situation was stressful enough without adding more to it. I noticed every now and then Noah would scan the room looking for me. Once Brooke noticed, she started shooting me hostile looks whenever Noah’s attention was elsewhere. After about forty minutes of Brooke’s glares, I needed to get some air. I got Noah’s attention from across the room, letting him know where I would be.
I walked outside to the backyard and made my way over to the small vegetable garden at the far end of the yard. Mr. Stewart had planted it just a little over a month ago. There were already sprouts coming up from the ground. Even though it was the beginning of summer here, it felt cooler outside than it did in the house with all the people packed inside. Mr. Stewart was loved by many. That was evident today from all the people who attended the funeral. He was a good man. Noah is just like his father. I started thinking about all the vacations our two families took together. I felt tears prick my eyes. The sound of footsteps behind me caught my attention. Running my fingers under my eyes, I wiped away any tears.
“Can we talk?”
I turned around and came face-to-face with Brooke. Her expression was an exact duplicate of the way she looked at me the other night.
“I just came out here for a second to get some air. I’m heading back in,” I said.
My shoulder muscles tensed up and I could hear the grinding of my teeth. I had no idea what Brooke would want to talk with me about, I didn’t want this conversation to take place, especially not today and not here.
“I’ll make it quick.” She was determined this was going to happen.
“Okay,” I answered hesitantly.
“What are you doing?” Her tone was accusatory.
“I’m not following you, Brooke.”
“What are you doing with Noah?”
“Instead of playing twenty questions, just say what you want to say to me.”
I wasn’t interested in talking or listening to her right then. I started feeling anxious. This wasn’t going to be pretty.
“I realize we don’t know each other at all, really. Noah doesn’t appear to want to share the details of his relationship with you. I asked my cousin about the two of you. He was under the impression that you had been together.”
I started to interrupt and correct her, but I knew that would just prolong this and I wanted to get this over with.
She continued, “I didn’t say anything the other night when I caught the two of you. Obviously, it wasn’t the time or the place.”
“Wait a second. When you caught us? You make it sound like we were doing something we shouldn’t.”
“You had your arms and legs wrapped around my boyfriend.”
“Yeah, I was comforting my best friend.”
“It looked like you were doing more than comforting him.” She paused for a moment. She glanced around making sure we were alone and out of earshot of anyone. “Look, I don’t want to fight with you and since I’m trying to be brief, I’ll get to the point. Whatever you and Noah have is more than a friendship, even though he keeps telling me otherwise. I see the way he looks at you and how he always turns to you. That should have been me the other night with my arms around him. I’m asking you to give me and him some time without having you around. Noah can’t seem to move on with me if you’re still in the picture. His kneejerk reaction is to always turn to you. I don’t know why you and he aren’t together. I’m really not interested in that story.” She paused, taking in a deep breath. “If you care about Noah and want him to be happy, then walk away. Let him see you’re not the one he needs to turn to. I’m the one that’s here for him now, not you.”
I wasn’t sure if I was more shocked or pissed at her request. I stared her straight in the eye keeping my face neutral.
“You’ll get your wish in a couple of months when I leave for college.”
“I was hoping you would walk away from him now.”
“You expect me to abandon Noah now when he’s just lost his father? That would break him. He’d hate me,” I said.
“You’re being a bit overdramatic with the, it would break him, don’t you think?”
“Of all times to be thinking of yourself… You’re an A-list selfish bitch, you know that?” I felt the veins in my neck throb. I involuntarily balled my hands into fists. She completely ignored my comment.
“And hate’s a very strong word, but I think it’s needed to finally make the break from you. I’m sure eventually Noah will want to talk to you again. By that time he and I will have a more solid relationship,” she said.
I’m not a violent person, but I wanted to have a smack down right there in the Stewart’s backyard.
“Why would I do this for you?” I asked.
“It wouldn’t be for me. I know you love Noah. It’s written all over your face. We both know you’re not the right woman for him. Don’t be selfish, Amanda. Let him move on and have a happy life. He has me now to give him that. He doesn’t need to be attached to you anymore.”
I was glued to my spot. I couldn’t get my legs to move to get the hell away from her. I wanted to argue with her. Tell her she was out of line and completely insane if she thought I would walk away from Noah. I wanted to, but I couldn’t. Deep down I knew she was right, not about her being what he needs, but everything else. If I were being honest with myself, I hadn’t even considered going on a date with anyone since the Brad incident. I wasn’t sure what I was waiting on. I guess maybe I wasn’t able to move on while Noah was such a daily presence in my life.
I had enough of Brooke and her caring/jealous girlfriend bit. It was time to end our little chat.
“I’ll think about it.” I started to walk past her when her words stopped me.
“Whether you do it this week, next week, or whenever, it’s going to hurt him. If you do it sooner rather than later, he’ll at least have the summer to get over it. That way he’ll be able to start his first semester at college with no distractions. Maybe I’m not the one here being so selfish.” She gave me one last icy look, before I turned and walk away.
It had been a week since Brooke and I had our little talk. Well, she talked. I mainly listened. I officially hated Brooke now, no gray area at all. I knew she was right, though. It’s pretty impossible to get past wanting someone you love when they are always in front of you, causing the love to only get stronger.
The night before Mr. Stewart’s funeral proved that neither Noah nor I had much control over our feelings for one another. His happiness was the most important thing to me. I didn’t know if Brooke would be the one to make him happy, but they deserved a shot at it. Noah deserved a shot at it. I knew he’d be furious with me, but I was sure after some time apart we will have both moved on and gotten over the pull that our attraction has on each of us, then we can be in each other’s lives again as friends.
It felt like I was walking in quicksand as we made our way to our spot. I dreaded what I had to do. I kept telling myself I was doing it for Noah. I had spent every possible minute I could with him this week, because I knew this day was coming. I had gone over and over in my head what I was going to say. On the way to our spot, my mind went completely blank.
Once we got to our table, he started to help me up to sit, but I shook my head. He leaned against the end of the table, looking at me standing in front of him.
Confusion and concern were in his eyes when he asked, “What’s going on? You’ve been so quiet this past week.”
The tears that had started forming during our walk here began to run down my face. It felt like I stood there forever with the words stuck in my throat. The person who meant everything to me just buried his father and I was about to break my promise and leave him. Noah misread my tears as the emotions of the week catching up with me. Mr. Stewart was like my second dad.
He reached, pulling me into a hug. I put my arms around his neck and held on. I knew this was the last time I would feel his strong arms around me, touch his soft hair, and smell his wonderful citrusy scent. As he held me, I tried to get my sobs under control. I needed to do this quick before I chickened out.
I pulled back from him, his arms remained around my waist. “Noah, I need to say something.”
“Okay.”
Stepping away from him I still wasn’t sure I could go through with this. Every part of me began to quiver, the inside as well as the outside. “Promise me you’ll listen before you say anything.”
“What’s going on, Tweet?”
“Promise me.”
“Okay. I promise,” he said.
I swallowed my sobs. “You are the most important person in my life. Your happiness is my number one priority. Don’t ever doubt that, because it will never change.”
“You’re scaring me.” His voice was cracking with emotion. His beautiful light blue eyes that were filled with deep sadness started to glisten.
I knew this was it, my life would never be the same, and I was scared to death.
“I need to step away from us for a while. Seeing you with Brooke is harder than I thought it would be,” I swallowed hard. I still couldn’t believe I was doing this.
“I’ll break up with her.” His response was quick and said with such assurance. It caught me off guard.
“Brooke is who you should turn to now, not me. She’s your girlfriend.” My stomach churned when the words came out of my mouth. “She’s good for you, Noah.”
“You’re a liar. You can’t stand her,” he said.
I could feel my sobs pushing against my chest wanting to get out, but I held them in. I had to stay strong.
“You need to stop being so attached to me.”
My legs were barely holding me up they were so weak. The ache in my chest exploded with every word I said to him.
“Stop being so attached to you?” He pushed off of the table and took a step towards me.
“We’re not kids anymore. I’m getting ready to go off to school…”
“Don’t do this. I won’t touch you again, I swear, not even a hug. You can’t do this. I can’t lose you, too.” He stepped closer to me. “I love you.”
Every part of me wanted to grab him and tell him how much I loved him, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. He wasn’t going to make this easy on me. I had to say something that would cut right into him.
“Well, you shouldn’t. I told you over and over that I couldn’t be with you. But you kept pushing more and more each time. I can’t be with you, Noah, and I don’t want to be. I don’t feel the same way about you.”
I saw in his eyes when the shift from hurt to anger occurred. “So this is my fault? You always said the reason we couldn’t be a couple was because you’d do something to mess it up and we’d lose our friendship. Now you’re blaming me.”
“No one is to blame.” My voice sounded so small.
“Oh yeah? I blame you.” I could feel the heat from his anger radiating off his body. “You don’t give a shit about me or my happiness. All you care about is keeping things in the same little compartment, so you can control everything.”
The look in his eyes shifted again, only this time it was from anger to hate. He was starting to hate me.
I stepped back and started to turn my head away when Noah grabbed my chin forcing me to look at him. “Don’t you dare look away from me. You’re not going to run away this time.” I remained quiet, letting him say everything he needed to. “I’ve tried to stay away from you, to not touch you, and I’ve tried so f*cking hard not to fall in love with you.”
He moved in closer to me. Our chest pushed together with each heavy breath we took. Our eyes locked.
Noah’s voice became low and raspy. “I know you want me. I could tell the last time in your room how wet you were through your pajamas. You were so ready for me to slide into you. All I did was kiss your stomach and you almost came right in my arms…didn’t you?”
I startled when he yelled demanding an answer. “DIDN’T YOU?!”
I simply nodded. He stepped back away from me. He shook his head and chuckled humorlessly. “You always said I deserved better than you. Maybe you really thought it was you who deserved better than me, because I’m not perfect and you always have to have everything so f*cking perfect.”
“That’s not true. You are perfect, but I’m not. You deserve perfect.”
“And you think Brooke is perfect for me?”
“I don’t know. I just know that I’m not.”
“SHUT THE F*ck UP! I’m tired of hearing you say that. All these years I hated what you thought about yourself. I know you think Emily’s perfect. And I know you are constantly being compared to her. I put up with you pushing me away because I knew that. I was convinced you actually believed you weren’t good enough for me. I figured if I kept telling you how incredible you were and how much I loved you that one day you’d believe it and stop all this bullshit. You’re not a loser, Tweet. You’re a coward, because you just threw away the chance to be with someone who wanted to spend the rest of his life loving you.”
“Please don’t hate me. Once you calm down and have a chance to think clearly you’ll see this is for the best, right now.” My voice kept quivering, I barely got the words out.
He stood there for a moment, silent, with his hands on his hips, looking down at the ground. His voice was low and strained when he said, “Get the f*ck away from me.”
“Noah…”
He looked up at me. I gasped. The look on his face was of a broken and devastated person and I was the cause of it.
Looking me directly in the eye he slowly said, “Get. The. F*ck. Away. From. Me. Now.”
As I walked away from him I felt the life drain from my body. I hadn’t gotten very far when I heard repeated pounding and grunting. I turned and the last small piece of my heart died. Noah kicked and punched at our table before flipping it over, screaming, “MOTHER F*ckING…SELFISH…GODDAMN HER!”
I began to shake uncontrollably, bracing myself on a nearby tree. I raised a trembling hand to cover my mouth. I felt like I was about to be sick. I didn’t turn away from him, though. I deserved every bit of pain and hurt that came my way for what I had just done to the only boy who will ever have my heart. What I worried about the most happening between us had just come true…and it didn’t happen at all in the way my fears had imagined it. This was even worse.