Sex is a game changer, even when you’re not the one having it.
I bolted up and looked at the clock. It was only 5 pm. People don’t have sex at 5 o’clock in the evening. That’s dinner time. They wait until it’s good and dark. I knew that was stupid and not true, but it calmed me somewhat knowing I had time to shut down Beth’s sex dinner.
I hurried out of bed and ran to the bathroom. I washed my face free of the tear streaks, put some mascara on, and a little lip gloss. I was out the back door in a flash. I walked to the fence that separated our backyard from the Stewart’s. I could see Noah through the window. He was pacing back and forth talking on his cellphone. There was a strange look on his face that I couldn’t read. He ran his free hand through his hair a couple of times as he looked out the window at nothing in particular. He didn’t notice me staring at him, he was too focused on his phone call.
I jumped the fence and ran up to the Stewart’s back door. It was unlocked as usual, so I let myself in as usual. Noah was standing in the family room, talking. “Alright. I will. I know.” He sounded irritated at whoever was on the other end of the phone. My guess was Beth. He looked at me, flashed a quick smile in my direction. “I need to go.” He ended the call without saying goodbye.
“Hey Tweet.” He tried to sound cheerful.
“Hey, hey, hey.” I tried to match his cheerful sound.
“Everything okay?” he asked.
“Yep.” I popped the p when I said it. I was waiting for him to bring up the subject.
I walked over to behind the sofa and leaned back on it. “What’cha want to do tonight? Since both our parents our gone for the weekend, the world is our oyster. We can hang out the whole time.” I took my cellphone out of my pocket and scrolled through my numbers. “Pepperoni with extra cheese good for you?”
“What?” It looked as if my question startled him.
“On our pizza. Pepperoni and extra cheese?”
“Yeah. That’s fine.”
I pressed the number and brought the phone to my ear.
Noah rubbed the back of his neck a few times before interrupting my call. “Um… Tweet… I kind of have plans tonight.”
“What kind of plans?” I asked innocently, as I put my phone away.
There was a pause that felt like it lasted a year and a half. Noah was standing a few feet away from me, arms crossed over his chest, looking down at a spot on the floor.
“I sort of have a date,” he said in a low voice.
“A date? With who?”
He looked at me through his long dark lashes. A smirk played across his face. “Don’t do that.”
“Do what?”
“Play dumb. You’re no good at it. Besides, I just got off the phone with Beth.”
“Did ya now? Are you referring to your girlfriend, Beth?” I tried not to sound sarcastic, but I wasn’t very successful.
“I’m sorry. I’ve been meaning to talk to you about it,” he said, sheepishly.
“So talk.”
Noah motioned for me to sit on the sofa. I shook my head. I didn’t want to sit and relax. I wanted to stay standing in case running was in my near future. We both stayed in our spots.
“I don’t know where to start,” he said.
“How about where you lied to me.”
“I’ve never lied to you.”
“Lie of omission! That’s just as bad.”
He shook his head, “Look, I know you’re upset.”
“GENIUS!” I threw my arms up in the air.
“Would you please shut your mouth and listen for five seconds. It’s not a big deal.”
“What’s not a big deal?”
“This thing with Beth. It’s...,” he ran his hand up and down his face in frustration. “No matter what I say, I’m going to sound like the biggest dick in the world. I already know that, so keep your smartass comments to yourself,” he paused. “This thing with Beth is just convenient.”
My eyebrows and the pitch of my voice both shot up when I said, “Convenient?”
“Yeah. We’ve known each other for a long time. I knew she wanted something to happen between us.”
Just hearing those words coming out of his mouth made my stomach churn. “Why was I kept in the dark about this?”
“I didn’t want you to know.”
“Why?”
He chuckled and shook his head. “The same reason why I never want you to know when I go out with a girl. Because I feel like I’m cheating on you, which is f*cking ridiculous because we’re not even together in the first place,” he said, as he let out a frustrated growl.
“Why her?”
“Because I didn’t have to work for it.”
“She thinks she’s in love with you, you know.”
Noah closed his eyes and tilted his head back towards the ceiling. As he straightened his neck, he looked at me. The pain and longing in his eyes made me ache.
“I’ll handle things with Beth,” he sighed heavily. “I don’t love her. You know that, right?” It sounded like he was pleading with me to believe him.
“What are you going to say to her?” I asked.
“I guess I’ll let her know I don’t feel the same way about her. That I never meant to lead her on. I’m not looking for anything permanent. If she’s okay with that, we can continue on.”
“What do you mean continue on?”
Noah let out another growl. He had one hand on the wall bracing himself while the other hand rested on his hip. “I have needs,” he said quietly.
“Needs? What kind of needs?”
“The kind a young man has.” Confusion plastered across my face. He looked over at me and waited a moment for it to register before becoming impatient. “I need to get laid.”
“You need to get laid?” My tone was condescending.
“I do.”
“You’re saying if she’s okay with your terms then you’ll f*ck her?”
“Yes.” He was grinding his teeth as his jaw began to twitch. I could see the anger change the stance of his body.
At that moment I became a complete mute. I didn’t know what to say. A thousand words ran through my head, but only one made its way out of my mouth. “Don’t.”
“Don’t what?” he asked.
“Don’t have sex with Beth. Don’t date Beth.”
We stood, facing each other, staring, neither one of us wanting to be the first to blink. It looked like a western standoff.
“I don’t even know why we’re having this conversation.” He was getting angrier. “What difference does it make to you? You made your choice. You and I are just friends.” He spit venom with his last sentence.
“Just friends? Don’t say it like that,” I whispered.
“We don’t have to ask each other’s permission on who we can date.” He sounded cold, emotionless.
My throat was beginning to burn from trying to hold my sobs in. I swallowed hard a couple of times, feeling the tears pooling in my eyes. He was slipping away from me a little more. Noah watched as my body reacted to his words. I don’t know why I kept goading him. I should have just left right then.
“You’re planning on doing more than having a date night with her,” I said.
He turned his back to me, ran both hands across his face, and through his hair. He dropped his hands to his side as they fisted. Suddenly he rammed one fist into the wall in front of him and yelled. “GOD DAMMIT!!!!”
I startled. His outburst jump started my tears. Turning back toward me, his eyes pierced mine. Speaking slowly in a low voice through gritted teeth, he said, “Yes, I plan to f*ck her, screw her, bang her, be balls deep in…”
“SHUT UP!!” My sobs were coming at a rapid pace now. I could barely get my words out. “PLEASE DON’T DO IT, NOAH! PLEASE!”
“WHY NOT?!”
“BECAUSE YOU’RE MINE!” I screamed at him through my sobs.
My eyes were so blurry from my tears I didn’t see him cross the room toward me. The next thing I knew I felt the wall against my back. Noah’s mouth was at my ear.
“Then why don’t you f*cking take me and stop this bullshit you keep putting us through? You’re going to tell me you’re okay with my hands running up and down her body? Touching her ass and tits. You’re okay with my tongue licking every inch of her? You’re okay knowing that while you’re over in your bed, I’ll be over here sliding into her, when we both know it should be you?”
My body began to convulse. The pain from hearing him say those words overpowered me. Tiny piece by tiny piece I shattered until I was completely broken. He stepped back allowing me to drift down the wall to the floor. I don’t know how long I stayed that way. Noah had left the room, not saying another word to me, and never came back.
I pulled myself together enough to get up off the floor. My body was sore from the ordeal. My legs felt weak, but stable. My hand trembled slightly as I placed it on the doorknob. I hesitated for a moment, and thought about going to look for him, but there was nothing left to say.
They say the human body is made up of seventy percent water. Today I have expelled sixty-nine point nine percent through tears and snot. Sobbing uncontrollably is not a very pretty or
lady like thing to do.
The only thought I had in my head was, “What the f*ck just happened?”
I had been lying in my bed for almost an hour and I still couldn’t wrap my head around what took place at Noah’s house. I had never seen him that angry or heartbroken. He had never talked to me that way before. I couldn’t blame him for being so angry with me. I knew I had no right telling him who he could date. I just couldn’t bear the thought of someone else having that part of him.
My thoughts began to drift, wondering what Noah and Beth were doing right now. Did he already tell her that he doesn’t love her? Did she take it well or did she slap him in the face and storm out? I wondered if she was over there cooking dinner for him. Was she standing at the stove, stirring some putrid concoction she made up while he watched her stir? Has he walked up behind her, placing his hands on her hips, then sliding them up and around to her stomach, wrapping his strong arms around her waist, pushing her back against him, so she could feel how excited he was to have her cooking for him? I had to stop torturing myself.
I reached over and grabbed my ear buds off the nightstand, crammed them into my ears, and connected them to my cellphone. The D-Bags blasted through my head. Kellan’s voice always soothed me. I closed my eyes and tried to concentrate on the lyrics.
I must have fallen asleep. I was barely conscious when I realized the music wasn’t blasting through my ear buds and my bed felt slightly sunken in, as if someone were sitting on the side of it. I wasn’t alarmed. I knew who was sitting beside me without even looking. My eyes peeked open slightly and I saw Noah watching me. His eyes were glistening with tears and his expression was slack with sadness. I stayed still and shut my eyes.
“I know you’re not sleeping,” Noah whispered, as he cleared his throat, his voice sounding deflated.
I opened my eyes and looked up at his beautiful sad face.
“How long have you been here?” I choked out.
“I don’t know, not long.”
“What are you doing here?” I whispered.
The one thing Noah and I couldn’t stand was to be angry at each other. We had only been mad at each other a couple of times, but nothing had come close to what happened tonight. I knew we would eventually fix things between us.
I sat up, coming face-to-face with him. We stared at each other for a moment. I broke our silence. “What about Beth?” I asked cautiously.
“She’s not coming over. We’re done.”
“Why?”
“I told her there was someone else.”
I let out a deep sigh. I knew he could tell by the look in my eyes how relieved I was.
“Come on, it’s cake time,” he said, a slight smile forming across his face. He tilted his chin toward my nightstand where a paper plate with a huge piece of chocolate cake wrapped in plastic wrap, and a fork sat. “Let’s go to the park.”
I wasn’t sure why he wanted to go all the way to our spot. There was no one else at home, so we could talk without anyone barging in on us.
He stood up and held out his hand to me, helping me up off the bed. Without saying a word, his arms were around me, holding me tight against his broad chest. My hands rested on his muscular upper arms. Our faces were an inch apart. We were looking at each other with hypnotic intensity. It made me uncomfortable, I felt completely vulnerable, but I couldn’t blink or look away. Slowly Noah lowered his head towards mine. Our foreheads touched.
His eyes were closed when he whispered in a low gravelly voice. “I’m so sorry. I never should have said any of that stuff to you. Please, don’t be mad at me, Tweet.”
My hands slowly moved up his biceps, over his shoulders, finally landing behind his neck. He bent down slightly, allowing both of us the ability to nuzzle into each other’s neck. I held on to him as tight as possible and whispered in his ear, “I’m so sorry, Noah, for everything. I don’t know how to change and make things better.”
I felt his arms tighten around me as he buried his face deeper into my neck, his lips resting against my skin.
We stood there holding each other for a long while, neither one of us wanting to break free. Finally, Noah pulled his head away and said, “I think it’s time for cake.”
He picked up the cake, grabbed my hand, and we headed out.
Once at the park, we didn’t go to our spot. Instead, Noah headed to the playground area. We sat in two swings that were side by side. I watched in silence as he unwrapped the cake and then handed me the fork. I stabbed the part covered in the most frosting, of course. I put the fork in my mouth then pulled it out slowly as I made a slight moan, my teeth and lips tightened around it. I wanted to make sure I got every bit of frosting. I noticed Noah staring at my mouth. Once the fork left my lips, I tilted my head back looking up at the stars.
“Your mom buys the best cakes,” I said, holding the fork out between us indicating it was his turn.
He took a large gulp of air. “You really know how to eat cake.”
We sat there in silence, passing the fork between us until the cake was gone. As Noah was throwing our trash away, I thought this wasn’t as awkward as I thought it was going to be. We’ll go home, wake up tomorrow and all will be right with the world. Everything will be back to normal.
As he approached, I stood thinking we were headed home. Noah stopped a couple of feet from me. He looked so somber. His voice was barely a whisper when he said, “We need to talk, Tweet.” My stomach immediately dropped to the center of the earth. I wanted to run back home to my room and hide under the covers.
We sat back down on the swings, but Noah made no attempt to initiate the conversation. I had a sinking feeling I was about to lose the most important person in my life.The silence was suffocating me. I could feel my throat begin to close and it became harder to breath. I decided to speak first before I passed out. “Why are we sitting over here?”
“I didn’t want to talk at your house or our spot.”
“Why?”
He took a deep breath. “Since you left my house, all I can see when I walk into the family room is you sitting on the floor, screaming and crying,” he said.
“I don’t understand.”
“I don’t want you to have the same pain as I do whenever you’re in your room or at our spot.” Just when I thought I had no more tears to shed, I felt them forming. “I don’t think it’s a good idea for us to be around each other for a while,” his voice cracked.
I felt all the oxygen rush out of my lungs and my head began to throb. I knew the argument earlier was the worst we had ever had, but I didn’t think he’d want to get rid of me. My eyes felt like they were the size of saucers. My tears were getting harder and harder to hold back. I needed clarification of his statement. Maybe he meant something entirely different than what I heard. I mean, even though we have a strong connection we are of the opposite sex. Men and women misinterpret each other all the time.
For the second time today, a thousand responses flew across my mind in a nanosecond, but only one word escaped my lips. “Why?”
Noah’s deep gaze focused on me, with tears glossing over his eyes. He hesitated before clearing his throat. His voice was so low and husky I had a hard time hearing him. “I think you know why.”
“I think I do too, but I’d like to hear it from you, just in case I’m wrong.”
Fear and apprehension crossed his face before speaking. “Tweet, I don’t know,” he paused. “This thing is confusing.”
“What thing?”
He pointed back and forth between us. “This thing between us. It’s so different.”
“Different good or different bad?” I kept asking questions I already knew the answer to, desperately trying to prolong our time together. I knew exactly what was happening. I was losing my soul mate because I was so f*cked up in the head and I didn’t know how to change it.
“Different confusing. I know you’ve always been down on yourself. I know you think you’re doing what’s best for me. I hate that you think so little of yourself and I hate that you don’t think we belong together. I’ve tried to be around you and stay in the friend zone. I’ve tried so f*cking hard.” Tears were flowing freely down both our faces. “I can’t be around you right now. It hurts too much, because I am so completely and desperately in love you, Tweet.”
Tell him how much you love him, Amanda. Stop being such a f*ck up and say it. He loves you and wants you. You’re losing him. What is wrong with you? Stop sitting here and say something.
“There hasn’t been a day in my life that I haven’t loved you. I wish you would just let me love you,” he said.
He brought his hand up to my face and stroked it gently. Bringing our foreheads to rest together, he whispered. “You will always be the most important thing in my life. I’ll always be there for you no matter what or who. I have no past without you and I can’t imagine a future that doesn’t include you. I just need some time to figure out how I can have you in my life without having you be my life.”
Closing my eyes, I tried to compose myself. I was barely able to speak. I opened them and gazed at Noah. I brought my right hand up to his face, caressing from his cheek to his jaw. “I’m so sorry.”
Walking back to my house, our hands gripped each other’s as if we were holding on for dear life. We stood on my front porch holding each other for a long time. I wasn’t going to be the one to let go first.
Noah whispered in my ear, “I need to go or I won’t, and I have to do this.”
“I know,” I choked out through my sobs.
He took a step back. Our faces were drenched in tears and our chests were heavy from our sobs. The look in his eyes held so many meanings… love, desperation, and the ache you have when you lose the love of your life.
He stared at me for a few long seconds. “Goodbye Tweet.”
“Goodbye Noah.”
He watched me as he walked backwards down the steps, drawing out our time together as much as possible. He lingered at the bottom for a moment as we continued to take each other in.
My lips barely moved when I whispered, “I love you.” For a split second, I thought he heard me, but then he turned away, and was gone.
I hated myself. The very thing I was trying to avoid happened. I lost Noah. I tried so hard to control the situation and keep our relationship unchanged that I didn’t notice him slipping through my fingers until it was too late. Noah’s happiness was the most important thing to me. I wanted him to be happy even if it meant I was miserable. It’s amazing how in just a few hours my entire world came crashing down around me and I just stood there watching it happen.
I think I might be a freak. At almost 18 years old, I have kissed one boy, one time. The only boy I have ever fantasized about is Noah, although, Zac Efron has made an appearance now and again. Yep, he’s a pretty, pretty, pretty boy. His eyes are insane. His hair is so shiny.
Zac and Amanda Efron. OH MY GOD!!! That sounds awesome!!
What was the point of this entry? Oh yeah, am I a freak because I haven’t had sex yet? A lot of girls at school have already had sex. I’ve had guys ask me out, but I always come up with some excuse not to go. I’m not sure what I’m waiting for, it’ just sex. It’s not a big deal. That’s a lie. It is a big deal, at least to me. I guess, ever since I found out what sex was, I always pictured Noah being my first, which is stupid because we’re not going there. I need to bite the bullet and at least go on a date.
I wonder if Zac Efron ever comes to SC. This entry sucks. Eh, I’m done. I got Zac brain.
Four months had passed since Noah and I had the “breakup” talk. I saw him at school, but we didn’t say much to each other. We stopped eating together during lunch period. He started sitting at the table with the baseball team. We were thrown together a few times when our families got together and somehow I got through it.
Beth hadn’t spoken to me since that day at her locker and from the eighteen page letter she wrote me, front and back, it appeared that the friendship was unsalvageable. That was fine by me. After all these years, to end it with a letter was so passive-aggressive of her. I mean, come on, doesn’t anyone have balls nowadays? She thought I had talked Noah out of any type of relationship with her, which was entirely true, but she didn’t know that for a fact. I was sad that she and I were no longer friends, but it didn’t affect me as much as not having Noah around. He and I were still technically friends. It just didn’t feel like we were right now. The three of us, who once spent the majority of our time together, had all gone our separate ways.
The summer was a little easier to avoid each other. Beth’s family went to Paris for their summer vacation. We were entering our senior year, and Noah and I kept busy visiting different college campuses, separately, of course, and he went off to baseball camp for the month of July.
For the first time in my life, I felt completely alone. I had my family, but it wasn’t the same. My averageness blossomed whenever I was around my sister for long periods of time. I could handle going to the movies or out to eat fairly well. Going to the beach was another story. Emily looked perfect in a bikini, surprise, surprise. I had no problem going places by myself, but it helped to get my mind off Noah if I went with someone. Since Beth was out of the picture, Emily was the chosen one. My sister tried to get me to open up to her about what was bothering me, but what was I supposed to say?
Um…Emily, ever since I can remember, I’ve felt extremely inadequate in all aspects of my life-looks, personality, intelligence, worthiness. Because of the hold my insecurities have on me, I can’t give myself to the one person I want to, my best friend. I tried to control the relationship and keep it the same, so we’d remain friends. I ended up losing him anyway. I’m an idiot. Oh, did I mention that a lot of this is due to you being so perfect?
I didn’t hate my sister for being perfect and beautiful. She deserved all the love and attention she got. I just wished I had been born first and had gotten her life. Maybe if I had, I would be with Noah right now.
I don’t know when exactly my relationship with Noah changed. It had transformed into some weird hybrid, more than best friends, but not a couple. I think we were always more than best friends. Our feelings for one another were deeper. We called each other best friends because we didn’t know what other label to put on it.
Being away from him didn’t lessen my need or want for him. If anything, they intensified. I missed all of him and everything about him- his smile, his voice, his hugs, and the ways he made me laugh. The time we spent at our spot talking about anything and everything. The irony of the situation is that I spent so much time and energy trying to keep things the same between us, so I wouldn’t lose him, and it backfired. Instead of keeping him by my side, I pushed him away completely. I desperately needed my best friend now, to talk to and help me through this, but I couldn’t have him.
I finally came to the realization that I had to try and move past this. I didn’t want to let my senior year evaporate before my eyes and not enjoy it. I needed to spread my wings. Have new experiences with new people.
Brad Johnson had moved here during our freshman year. He was a mighty fine specimen of young manhood. His hair was dirty-blonde and cut short. He obviously paid a lot of attention to it. It was cut close on the sides. The top was a little longer and worked into a tousled chunky style. His eyes were sapphire blue. They were very pretty, but not beautiful like Noah’s. Brad was at least six feet in height, same as Noah. He was on the baseball team, so he had a great body and he knew how to dress it. His clothes always showed how toned his chest and abs were. I didn’t know if his abs sported a six pack like Noah’s did, but I could tell his chest wasn’t as broad as Noah’s. His arms were muscular, but not overly so, and his hands were large. I figured that might be one reason he was a good baseball player. Big hands would seem like an asset to me.
Brad and I were not friends, or for that matter acquaintances. Except for an occasional ‘hi’, we had never spoken to each other. Even though I didn’t know him, personally, I had heard things about him. His reputation left a lot to be desired. The gossip was basically, that he was a spoiled rich brat who lied and cheated his way through life as well as girls. I had made a pact with myself to abstain from listening to gossip. After all, I was a mature high school senior. Gossip was for the immature. Besides, I had endured years of rumors about Noah and I that were false. Plus, there had been rumors off and on about Noah and Brittani that I knew for a fact were not true. I was going to keep an open mind about Brad, not letting others influence me. Everyone deserves a chance.