“I suppose I deserved that,” I said, trying to unclench my jaw. Garrett snorted again, but this time I staunchly ignored it.
“I’ve had it in my head that we weren’t right for each other. That we were going in two different directions. That you had nothing going for you. That I was better than you.” I hated the harshness of my truth. I saw Garrett’s eyes harden and I knew my words hurt.
“But I was so wrong, Garrett. I’m not better than you. I think you’re entirely too good for me. You don’t judge people, or make them feel bad. You accept everyone. You were there for me during a really difficult time. And I’ve since realized that those days with you, had been the most at peace I’d felt since my dad died. I’d thank you again, if those words hadn’t become completely inadequate.”
I couldn’t tell if my confession meant anything to him. Per usual, Garrett’s face gave nothing away.
“I know this is most likely too little too late. I know I’ve spent a lot of time making you feel like a loser and I can’t erase that by saying I’m sorry. But I am. I am, Garrett. I’m so very sorry for ever making you feel less than what you are.” I ended in a rush, wanting to get it all out before I froze to death.
Garrett didn’t say anything. He was looking at me in an unreadable way. I didn’t push him to respond, knowing that it would ruin whatever this moment was.
“I’m not sure what you want me to say,” he broke the silence, his voice rough. Pushing his shaggy hair out of his eyes, he watched me with a hesitance that was both understandable and heartbreaking.
“I don’t know that I want you to say anything. I just needed you to hear me,” I said softly making Garrett laugh bitterly.
“Of course. Because it’s what Riley Walker wants. So we all have to bow down to her wishes and demands. To hell with what the rest of us want or need,” Garrett said angrily. I was taken aback by the hostility in his eyes. I had expected dismissal or frustration or a million other responses than his cold rage.
“I…” I started, not sure exactly what I was going to say. Garrett punched the wall beside him, making me go silent.
Well…shit.
“Do you even know how many times I wanted you to look at me, not as a loser with no future. Not as a guy in a band with no idea of what he wants in his life. I just wanted you, to just once, look at me as the guy who would give you the world. And for that to be enough,” he said with a passion that was so uncharacteristic for him that I had nothing to say. Not a single, goddamn thing.
“But it wasn’t enough. That first time, I get it, I was the rebound. I was the guy to help you forget. Even if you ended up forgetting all of it.”
“Not all of it,” I interrupted.
“No, maybe not, but you forgot the part where I told you how long I’ve wanted you. How I held you in my arms and knew for certain that I would never hold anyone else again. That for a single moment in time we were everything to each other,” Garrett’s voice broke and he looked away from me, as though he couldn’t bear it.
I opened my mouth and then closed it. Then tried again.
“I had no idea,” I said, wishing I could touch him. But I knew that wouldn’t be okay right now.
“No, because you were so quick to label it a mistake. And I agreed. Mostly because I was pissed that the girl who I had been ready to lay down my world for, dismissed me like yesterday’s trash. I get it. I’m a townie. I don’t go to Rinard College like the rest of those douche holes that you run around with. But fucking hell, Riley, I want to think that I matter. That I have merit.” He was yelling at this point and I worried someone would come outside to see what was going on. And that was the last thing I wanted.