Passing as Elias

chapter Eight

Elizabeth’s Discovery

Elizabeth sat in the meadow for over an hour. She was immensely confused and could not get Merrill out of her head. Elizabeth did not wish to fire her, but what choice did she have? She did not want an awkward workplace, and the apothecary was the most important thing in her life.

Darkness had begun to fall before she made her way back home. The walk cleared her head and she tried to decide what her options were.

On one hand she could continue with her everyday life, and pretend nothing of the sort had happened. On the other hand, she could dismiss Merrill and find someone else to help her run the apothecary.

But was there another option?

Elizabeth tried to repress the images that were flooding her mind. She walked faster and tried to ignore the visions attempting to penetrate her head. It was no use. A rush of possible scenarios flooded her mind.

She imagined Merrill’s lips against her neck, and her bosom pressing against Elizabeth’s bound chest. She inhaled, and could smell Merrill’s hair. They were entwined together as they lay upon white sheets. Elizabeth was herself, not Elias. All worries left as Merrill kissed her again and again.

No, Elizabeth thought sharply, pushing the visions aside. She was just confused because she had been dressing as a man for so many weeks now. The male clothes were having an effect upon her. She was not thinking like her normal self. Never before had Elizabeth ever imagined herself with another woman. It was horrific, sinful, and disgusting in the eyes of the church and god himself. Yet why did it feel so exhilarating to think of these things? Was there something wrong with Elizabeth?

Once Elizabeth had arrived home she changed out of her disguise as soon as possible. She washed herself in the basin and ignored the disturbing thoughts. She imagined herself ripping up every sinful thought she had ever had, and throwing them into a river. She watched them float away.

Now that Elizabeth was her usual redhead self again, she felt normal. Busying herself around the house, she kept her mind occupied. She cooked herself a meal, cleaned the kitchen, read a book, and washed some clothes. It was only when she was so tired that she could barely function did she lie down and allow herself to rest.

She immediately fell asleep and had numerous dreams, all of which contained Merrill. She woke several times during the night with a warm, tingling sensation between her thighs that she had never experienced before. She ignored it for as long as she could, but eventually succumbed to temptation, and slid her hand under her nightdress and thought about Merrill unashamedly.

~

Merrill did not show up for work on Monday. Nor did she come on Tuesday. When Merrill failed to arrive to work for the third day in a row, Elizabeth decided that she must pay her a visit. Elizabeth knew where she lived for she had taken note of it during Merrill’s job interview. She wondered if she would be very welcome if she turned up on her doorstep. Would her parents wonder why Merrill had suddenly stopped going to work?

Elizabeth had been angry with Merrill for her actions on Sunday evening, yet the more she thought about it, the more Elizabeth regretted her actions. She thought non-stop of the possibilities that the afternoon might have contained. She was confused by her attraction to Merrill. Yes, she had indeed come to terms with that fact over the days that Merrill had been absent. She missed her sorely, and could think of little else. It was beginning to affect her work quite badly. Elizabeth made mistakes with several customers, spilled things, broke vials, and was constantly vacant. It took one gentleman several attempts to snap Elizabeth out of a kind of trans she had been in while thinking about Merrill’s lips.

Elizabeth did not know what to make of her attraction to another woman. She had never experienced it before. She thought that perhaps she had gone insane, and might need to check herself into the mental asylum. If anyone found out about this they would think she was barking mad. Strange, abnormal, queer, and various other hurtful words would describe Elizabeth’s feelings.

But at the same time it did not feel so strange. Elizabeth had never loved a man, nor had she ever been attracted to one. Elizabeth did not know if two women could be together in the same way a man and a woman could. The thought of what two women might do sent an excited shiver down Elizabeth’s spine, and she was instantly ashamed of herself for such a thought.

When Elizabeth closed the shop she made her way to Merrill’s home. It was a ten-minute walk away, in an area of town that Elizabeth had not visited often. It was not a very nice area. Dogs wandered the street, and haggard women yelled at Elizabeth from their windows. When Elizabeth came to the right home, she adjusted her breeches, brushed down her vest, checked her facial hair was still intact, and knocked upon the door. It took at least a minute before anyone answered it. Shouting came from inside, heavy footsteps, and then a tall man with a large, protruding belly answered the door.

‘Wot?’ He said.

‘Um, hello, Sir.’ Elizabeth said taking of her hat, ‘M-My name is Elias Searson. I was wondering if Merrill was home. You see, she has not shown up for work for several days and I was just worried-’

‘Eh?’ The man grunted, ‘you fired her.’

‘No, there has been a misunderstanding.’ Elizabeth said, ‘We had a small … disagreement … and I think she assumed-’

‘So she ain’t fired then?’

‘No, Sir.’

The large man shouted over his shoulder, ‘OI! MIM! C’MERE!’

Mim? Elizabeth supposed this was a nickname for Merrill, because a few seconds later, Merrill’s tiny frame appeared next to her father. Her eyes widened at the sight of her boss, Elias.

‘This Elliot says you ain’t fired no more.’ He pointed to Elizabeth.

‘Mister Searson.’ Merrill squeaked, stepping over the threshold, ‘What are you doing here?’

Her cheeks were extremely pink as she closed the door behind her and stood upon the front step with Elizabeth.

‘I wanted to make sure you were all right.’ Elizabeth said honestly.

Merrill looked around nervously, ‘I was too ashamed to face you, Sir … after the way I behaved. I am so sorry.’

‘It is I who should be sorry.’ Elizabeth said in an undertone. She did not want Merrill’s family to overhear, ‘I did not know how to respond to such a situation.’

‘Such a gentleman.’ Merrill’s brows knitted together, ‘I promise I will not do anything like that again, Sir.’

Elizabeth felt her heart drop. Was she really disappointed at the thought of never kissing Merrill again?

‘Please, just … come back to the apothecary?’ Elizabeth asked, and before she could stop herself, ‘I have missed you.’

Merrill bowed her head, and Elizabeth could see her ears turning pink from embarrassment. After a moment, Merrill nodded and Elizabeth felt her heart swell.

‘I will see you tomorrow, Merrill.’ Elizabeth said.

She wanted to embrace her, and hold her, and tell her that she was sorry she reacted so poorly to Merrill’s advances, but Elizabeth restrained herself, turned, and walked away. Merrill stood upon the front step for several minutes, watching Elias walk away, unknowing that she had actually fallen in love with another woman.

~

Things were very awkward at the apothecary on Thursday morning. Elizabeth had never noticed how often her arm brushed against Merrill’s, or how cramped the space behind the counter was. No matter what Elizabeth did, she felt as though her and Merrill were far too close for comfort. Her skin tingled constantly throughout the day, and electric jolts ran through her body every time Merrill brushed against her skin. She felt increasingly warm as the day wore on, and Merrill was unusually silent. She was not her usual chatty self, and Elizabeth worried that she had hurt Merrill’s feelings permanently.

Elizabeth wanted, more than anything, to spend time alone with Merrill. Elizabeth had been so pleased to have a friend that she had not noticed the way Merrill behaved around Elias. However, now that Elizabeth was aware of her affections for Elias, she wondered how she could ever have missed it.

Strangely, Elizabeth was jealous of her alternate identity. Why did he get to gain the affections of Merrill? Why could Elizabeth not? She thought about revealing herself, but knew that it would only cause more problems. Perhaps Elizabeth could spend time with Merrill as herself. Would Merrill fall for Elizabeth the same way she had fallen for Elias? Ultimately, they had the same personality. Elizabeth did not act too different when she posed as a man. Perhaps Merrill would like Elizabeth more if she were female.

Who was she kidding? Merrill would be disgusted at the thought of kissing another woman. No, this way is better. Unconsciously, Elizabeth had decided to pursue Merrill’s affections. She did not have a plan, nor did she have a goal. She knew that when her husband returned from sea, she would be forced to abandon her double life. Elias would vanish off the face of the earth.

~

Elizabeth waited patiently for Merrill to become comfortable in her company once again. Within two weeks she was perfectly happy, and her usual talkative self. Elizabeth did not want to rush and scare Merrill away. This was the first time Elizabeth had ever been romantically interested in another human being. It was funny how it had all happened. One kiss from Merrill and she had been hooked.

Elizabeth thought about Merrill every night. In some of her fantasies she was Elias – a proper man. In others, she was her regular self. Elizabeth enjoyed these fantasies much more. In the two weeks since that kiss, as Elizabeth thought of it now, she had come to terms with her attraction to someone of the same gender. It felt natural, and was on her mind most of the day. Elizabeth did not see the point in pretending any more. She wanted to kiss Merrill again, and she would make sure that happened.

It was a Saturday afternoon at the apothecary when Elizabeth put her plan into action.

Merrill was closing the shop, and Elizabeth had been working in the laboratory for the past several hours on a new concoction that would cure boils.

‘I think you need a break, Sir.’ Merrill called to Elizabeth as she bustled about, putting various jars away onto the appropriate shelves. She had become much more efficient within the last week.

‘Mmmh.’ Elizabeth agreed noncommittally, ‘In a moment.’ She did not look up from her work.

‘Really, Mister Searson.’ Merrill said walking over to Elizabeth’s desk and putting her hands on her hips, ‘You have dark circles under your eyes.’

‘Perhaps I am a little tired.’ Elizabeth agreed, stretching and yawning, ‘Mayhap I shall continue the work at home on Sunday.’

Merrill bit her lip, but did not scold Elizabeth for overworking. Adorable, Elizabeth found herself thinking fondly.

‘Sunday? Do you not plan to rest at all?’ She asked timidly.

‘Of course.’ Elizabeth said standing, and reaching for her coat, ‘When I find the time.’

‘Do you need help on Sunday, Sir?’ She enquired.

‘Oh.’ Elizabeth said with raised eyebrows, ‘I suppose the work would go faster with assistance, but I would not ask you to give up your only day off.’

‘I do not mind.’ Merrill said quickly, ‘Honest.’

Elizabeth frowned, ‘You can come by the house if you like.’ She shrugged, ‘But I shall not expect you to. Of course, I cannot stop you.’

Merrill nodded frantically, ‘Yes, Sir.’

It had gone better than planned. Elizabeth had thought she would have to ask Merrill to help on Sunday, but she had offered immediately. Elizabeth did not plan to do any work on Sunday at all, but Merrill did not need to know that.

~

When Elizabeth heard the knock upon her front door, her heart leapt and she had to stop herself from running down the stairs. She adjusted her wig before opening the door. Merrill stood on the threshold, looking very pretty indeed in a dress of periwinkle blue.

Elizabeth showed her inside and sat her down in the sitting room.

‘Have you been working long today?’ Merrill asked.

‘I was up all night working.’ Elizabeth lied, ‘you are out of luck. I have completed the cure.’

‘Oh, good.’ Merrill said with raised eyebrows, though she did not look pleased at all, ‘I guess you will not be needing my help then.’

‘Well, you already came all this way.’ Elizabeth said hurriedly, ‘Would you like a cup of tea?’

‘Thank you, Sir.’

Elizabeth busied herself in the kitchen, making tea. She prepared a plate of cakes and biscuits for Merrill, and then rejoined her in the sitting room.

Merrill smiled, ‘How nice.’ She said when she saw the tray of cookies and cakes.

Elizabeth placed the tray on the table before them, and sat next to Merrill. Their arms brushed, and a shiver ran through Elizabeth’s spine. Merrill helped herself to cake, and tea.

Conversation flowed as usual, and Elizabeth’s stomach churned uncomfortably as she thought about why she had wanted Merrill here in the first place. Had Elizabeth really turned into such a man, pursuing young girls at her own leisure? She was ashamed, and exhilarated at the same time. She could not help but stare at Merrill as she sipped her tea. This did not go unnoticed.

‘Are you all right, Sir?’ Merrill said, placing her cup and saucer upon the table, ‘You seem odd.’

Elizabeth cleared her throat nervously, ‘I-I am just thinking.’ She said.

‘What are you thinking about?’ Merrill asked.

Elizabeth wanted to be honest, however she felt it was too soon, ‘I am thinking … it is nice … In your company.’ She said.

‘Thank you. I enjoy your company too, Sir.’ Merrill said pleasantly.

Elizabeth considered this for a moment before blurting, ‘Do you still think about that day … in the meadow?’

Merrill stared with wide eyes, ‘I was under the impression that I was not to speak of it.’

Elizabeth sighed, ‘I have to be honest with you Merrill. I have trouble thinking of anything else.’

Merrill did not answer, but merely stared at Elizabeth with wide, gazing eyes.

‘I … I think,’ Elizabeth took a deep, steadying breath, ‘I think about it all the time.’

‘Me too.’ Merrill said softly, ‘Mostly I am embarrassed.’

‘I cannot get it out of my head.’ Elizabeth said, rather frustrated.

Merrill seemed afraid, ‘You are not thinking of dismissing me, are you sir?’

‘No, nothing like that.’ Elizabeth reassured.

‘Thinking good things, Sir?’ Merrill said hopefully.

‘Very good things.’ Elizabeth confirmed.

‘Tell me.’ Merrill said in a soft voice.

Elizabeth swallowed. Merrill had gotten quite close in the last few seconds.

‘I think … I think about how I should have reacted that day.’ Elizabeth said quietly, ‘I think about what might have happened.’

‘Do you think about kissing me, Sir?’ Merrill said bravely.

‘Constantly.’ Elizabeth breathed, ‘I think of little else. Every time your skin brushes against mine, it is like torture.’

Merrill was staring, transfixed.

This is it, Elizabeth thought to herself. She wanted to tell Merrill that she fantasized about the two of them together every night.

Elizabeth’s limbs felt like lead, but after a moment’s silence she reached out and took Merrill’s hand firmly. Merrill stared at their hands briefly, before focusing her eyes upon Elizabeth.

‘Mister Searson.’ She breathed.

Elizabeth felt a pang of jealousy against her alias, but ignored it as she reached out a hand to cup Merrill’s face. She wished dearly that it had been her own name that had escaped Merrill’s lips.

Elizabeth leaned forwards and kissed Merrill gently, allowing her eyes to close, and to sink completely into the sensation of being close to another woman. It was bliss. Sinful bliss. Merrill opened her mouth, and Elizabeth swirled her tongue against Merrill’s. They kissed slowly, and gently, savoring every moment.

It was as though time may end at any moment, and they would not get another chance for a lifetime. Merrill placed a shaking hand to Elizabeth’s chest, and attempted to undo the buttons of her vest.

Elizabeth whispered, ‘No,’ through their kiss, and Merrill dropped her hand. She did not want to get carried away. The thought of Merrill discovering her secret would be deeply upsetting for both of them.

Merrill shook from head to toe due to nerves, and the forbidden nature of lust for her employer when she had been betrothed.

Elizabeth tried to rationalize her actions but her brain was overcome with a strange new feeling. It spread from the pit of her stomach, and caused her heart to swell twice the size. It flooded her brain until all rational thought was eradicated, and she was left with nothing but a burning desire for Merrill.

They broke apart, and Elizabeth pressed her forehead to Merrill’s. She inhaled Merrill’s scent and allowed the beating of her heart to return to normal. Merrill was breathing hard, and her shaking hands were upon Elizabeth’s chest.

‘I have imagined that kiss for over a fortnight.’ Elizabeth whispered.

‘I never thought … you would be interested in me.’ Merrill clutched at Elizabeth’s clothes.

‘You are intoxicating.’ Elizabeth gave a small smile, ‘to be honest I had never thought of you this way until that day in the meadow. I guess you got into my head.’

Merrill sighed, ‘Sir.’ She said after a moment’s silence, ‘Might we … might I stay?’

‘You may stay as long as you wish.’ Elizabeth smiled, and ran a hand down Merrill’s face.

‘Tonight?’

‘What about it?’

‘No, I mean … may I stay? Tonight.’

Elizabeth sat back and looked at Merrill’s face, ‘You want to stay the night?’ She asked.

‘Aye, sir.’ Merrill had turned a deep shade of scarlet, ‘But I mean … if you would not like it. Obviously you would not. How silly of me to-’

But Elizabeth had cut her sentence short with another kiss. Merrill responded with such enthusiasm that she practically jumped into Elizabeth’s lap. Somewhere in the back of Elizabeth’s mind, a thought had occurred to her. Was she interested in Merrill because she had dressed as a man for too long? Or was she dressing as a man as an excuse to be with Merrill? Elizabeth was not sure which one was the truth any more, but at that moment it did not matter.

Their tongues caressed, and Merrill straddled herself over Elizabeth’s thighs. Her dress was splayed in all directions across the sofa, and Elizabeth held her waist tenderly, longing to be closer, but knowing it could never be.

Things were becoming increasingly passionate. Merrill arched her neck and allowed Elizabeth’s lips to trail down her nape. She bit the flesh gently, and Merrill let out a small gasp.

~

Merrill lay in Elizabeth’s bed, snoring gently, her hair askew across her pretty face. They had retired when the sun had set, yet Elizabeth had not dared to progress beyond simple kissing. Elizabeth watched her sleep, her stomach aching with an unnamable pain. Merrill had cried whilst they had kissed.

Merrill had tried several times to unbutton Elizabeth’s shirt – but she had stopped her every time. At one stage, Merrill’s shaking hand had even cupped Elizabeth’s crotch. She knew that Merrill did not know what a man’s member should feel like through clothes, for she had not expressed any surprise. Elizabeth had removed her hand quickly, for fear Merrill would feel the socks that had been packed into her breeches. Socks. That was all Elizabeth had to offer. A lie. This kept her awake all night.

Merrill skin glowed pearly white in the rays of moonlight that pooled in through the open curtains. She lay curled in a ball, looking tiny in the large bed. Elizabeth lay with her head propped upon her hands, and watched Merrill sleep. Logically, she could not continue this behavior with Merrill. It would hurt to end it, and Merrill would be extremely upset. Yet the alternative would be much worse. What could come of this? They could continue to court in secret, until … what? Until Merrill announced her love for Elias Searson? Until she wanted to get married? Elizabeth knew that nothing good could come of this, but it did not change the fact that she had fallen in love with another woman. Me, she thought amusedly, in love with another woman. It felt like the most natural thing in the world.