“Then why did you marry me?” I spit out distastefully.
“Because I love you!” Fresh tears spilled down her drained cheeks. “You’re intelligent, passionate, talented … when we started dating again you said all the right things, did all the right things, and made me believe you’d changed. That you’d moved on from whatever it was that happened between you and Savannah.” She shook her hands out of my hold and placed them on her hips, looking down.
I worked hard over the months after Savannah disappeared to regain my footing. To remind myself why I never got involved with anyone. It was too distracting to my career. Karin was safe, though. She understood my commitment to my craft and never questioned the long hours. She was patient and loving and didn’t get in the way of my goals.
“What makes you think I haven’t changed?” I asked, incredulously.
“The look on your face when you saw her at the wedding. You looked like you’d seen a ghost, and I realized I’d been living with one.”
Frustrated at her accusations, I ran a hand through my hair and turned away, pacing to the other side of the living room. “Yes, it was surprising. I haven’t seen or spoken to Savannah in five years, you know that. But for you to stand there and assert that the way I looked at her somehow disregards our entire relationship is foolish, Karin. I love you.”
Karin’s face changed. Calm, as she walked toward me, she looked up at me with wide eyes. “Then let’s start a family, Gregory. Let’s have a baby.”
“Damn it, Karin!” I spoke through tightly clenched teeth.
She took a step back and furrowed her brow. “What?”
“You will not use this situation to emotionally blackmail me into having a baby with you.” I turned quickly on my heels and headed for the kitchen to get a drink. And space.
Karin shouted after me as she followed. “Are you kidding me, Gregory? You think I’m blackmailing you?”
Slamming the refrigerator door shut after retrieving a bottle of water, I shouted, “Explain yourself, then. Explain how that senseless story about some student I kissed five years ago led to you asking me to concede to having children!”
Karin jumped. “Concede?” she shouted back. “That’s what people do when they get married, Gregory. They get married and start a goddamn family!”
“No!” I slammed my fist on the granite island. “That’s what people who want to have children do, Karin. People who discussed it while they dated, while they were engaged. We never discussed it! We discussed travelling and buying a second home somewhere …”
“You discussed it.”
“What?” I asked, finally taking a sip of my water.
“You discussed those things, Gregory. You discussed travelling the world, hoping to maybe play with a symphony overseas for a time. You discussed buying a second home in the Berkshires. You never asked me what I thought of all of that. Or what I wanted. You put more thought into whether or not you were going to pick up lessons with that blind boy again than you did into fixing our marriage.”
I shook my head violently. She knew I’d never felt equipped to teach Robert. “First of all, that blind boy has a name, and he’s an accomplished musician and needs someone advanced to continue his lessons. Second. You agreed with what I was saying, Karin. You never spoke out against any of it. And, knowing what I wanted, you married me anyway, without ever mentioning your desire for children. What did you expect from me?”
Karin rolled her eyes. “I expected more. I expected a relationship.” Contempt curled around her words as she looked through me.
“I don’t have time for this, I have to practice.” I sighed and left the kitchen, heading for my practice room.
“Excuse me? You’re still considering going on this tour?” she shrieked.
I stopped abruptly and turned just as fast. “No,” I spit out, “I’m not considering going. I am going. Practice starts in a few days and we’re leaving at the end of next week and will be gone through June and July.”
“You’re a selfish bastard, you know that?” Her disdain for me was palpable.
Pinching the bridge of my nose, I sighed. “Perhaps you should stay at James and Madeline’s house for a few days.”
She gasped. “What did you just say?”
“We’re not going to resolve this today, and I refuse to walk in this house every day feeling uncomfortable and looked down upon. James and Madeline will be out of town for the next two weeks. They’re returning home a few days after I leave for the tour.”
“I’m not leaving.”
“This is my house, Karin.”
“Oh fuck off, Gregory. This is our house. We’re married.” Karin never swore, and the conviction in her words irritated me.
“Fine. I’ll go.” Reaching into my practice room, I pulled out my cello case and walked to the front door.
“Just you and your cello? Surprise, surprise.” Karin didn’t follow me down the hall. She leaned against the wall and watched me go.
Without engaging with her any further, I slammed the door behind me and made my way for James and Madeline’s.
As soon as I settled into their living room, I set my iPod in the dock on their shelf and pressed play. Within seconds, I was playing Assobio a Jato along with the sounds of Savannah playing her flute during her brief senior year. We’d each recorded the other playing so we could practice in our spare time. Sometime after she left I moved my CD recording to my iPod, and this was the first time I pressed play.