Completely insane, but undeniable.
Detective Green dropped off the letter at the foster home with a smile and an apology not even fifteen minutes ago. He couldn’t stick around, he said. Had somewhere to be, a case he needed to work on. Guess I wasn’t important to him anymore.
Again, I was being unfair. I should have been glad he brought me the letter from Katie. He took the time out to help me and I appreciated it.
Dear Will,
Thank you so much for writing me. It meant a lot that you did this. It was such a nice surprise to hear from you. I’ve thought about you a lot, wondering where you were, how you’re doing, and I was worried. No one would tell me anything when I asked about you. I asked about you a lot.
I’m okay. Doing the best that I can. My family treats me weird. I haven’t seen any of my friends, not even my best friend, and I don’t know why. It’s like they’re all scared to see me, like they don’t want to look me in the eye because they know what happened to me and they don’t want to face it.
So I sit at home and watch a lot of TV. I read a lot. Spend time with my sister, which is nice because she always ignored me before. My mom won’t let me go on the Internet and that sucks. I’m already bored and wish I could go back to school, but then again, I don’t want to go back.
I’m scared. Scared of everything. Scared of what people might say, what they might think. That’s why it feels good to wear your bracelet. It makes me feel strong and I need that right now. So thank you, Will. The bracelet means a lot to me and I really love it. I’m wearing it right now and plan on wearing it forever. So I will never forget you.
I don’t want to forget you, Will. Ever. I wish I could give you a gift but I don’t have any money and I wanted to get this letter to you right away before Detective Green left my house. My mom would be suspicious, so this is the best way for me to communicate with you.
That means I might not be able to write you again. I hope not. I hope we can keep in touch. Like you said, no one else understands what happened. Only us. You’re the only person who I fully trust, who knows what I’ve been through and doesn’t care. Everyone else, they don’t know how to treat me.
But you do. You’re my friend, Will. I wish you were here right now. I’d give you a big hug as my thank-you.
Instead, I’m going to draw you a little picture. This is what reminds me of you.
Love,
Katie
My fingers were still shaking as I studied the picture she’d drawn. A set of angel wings—the intricate details were there despite the rough sketch. I could make out the individual feathers in the wings, was impressed by her drawing skills, and I glanced up, saw the word love before her name, and had an inexplicable pang in the vicinity of my heart.
I rubbed at my chest, glaring at the pack of idiots that walked by me as I sat outside in front of the house. They lived in the same foster home, angry guys a little older than me and always looking for a fight. I refused to play their games, kept to myself, and they didn’t mess with me.
Fairly certain that was because they knew who I was, who my dad was. They thought I was guilty, too, as guilty as him.
For once, I really didn’t give a shit.
I fold the letter and slide it back into its battered envelope. I’ve handled this letter a lot over the years. Unfolded and refolded it, reading over the words she wrote me, her girlish, curling script that’s faded over time, the paper thin and worn from my constant handling. I still stare at how she wrote Love, Katie at the end of the letter and the words only us. Those words, they hit me like a punch in the gut every single time I read them.
And I’ve read them a lot.
There are other letters we shared over the years, but the first one means the most to me. It felt the rawest, the most emotional, and I know the first letter I wrote her was in the same vein. As time passed, I became more guarded, until I finally had to give her up completely.
I still have so much regret over that.
Placing the letter back in my top dresser drawer, I shut it quietly and stretch my arms above me, my knees popping. The minute I got home from the movie theater I shed my soaked clothes, leaving them in a heap on the bathroom floor. I took a hot shower, warming my chilled skin after driving for over an hour in the pouring rain, my head filled with thoughts of Katie. The taste of her lips, her slender arms curled around my neck and holding me tight, the sweet smile she offered me before I shut her car door and watched her drive away.
All are thoughts I shouldn’t have. Thoughts that are wrong. I need to stop. I need to let her go and live her own life.