That was when he tore off my shorts and my underwear. I closed my eyes, his hands pressing against the inside of my thighs and spreading them wide. He wiped at me with my own underwear and I heard them land on the ground with a damp plop.
I cried. I cried so hard my chest hurt and my throat was raw. He rose above me, his hand settling on my mouth to keep me quiet, his lower body wedged between my legs. He watched me, I felt his eyes on me like a hot, sweeping laser, and my skin crawled.
Everything else disappeared and I floated out of my body. I couldn’t feel what he did to me. I couldn’t hear it. I couldn’t see it. It was happening to someone else.
It wasn’t, though. It happened to me.
I wished for death. Anything to save me from what he was doing.
But it never came.
The phone call was unexpected. Late in the evening, just after I got off shift at the discount store where I worked. The number was unfamiliar and I almost didn’t answer, but something compelled me to do it anyway.
I was glad I did.
“Will.” The soft, slightly breathless voice was familiar, and I knew in an instant who it was.
“Katie?” I stopped in my tracks and glanced around, half expecting to see her magically appear like some sort of ghost from my past.
“How are you?” She paused, a hesitant sound escaping her before she continued. “I’ve missed you. You haven’t sent me a letter in a long time.”
On the advice of my attorney. Yeah, I had a lawyer, but only because of what was going on with my father’s trial. For my own protection, he told me I shouldn’t remain in contact with Katie Watts any longer. As much as it killed me to do it, I stopped writing her.
And I’d felt like I had a hole in my heart ever since.
“I’ve been busy with school and work and stuff.” I paused, wondering if I should be an asshole and just end this. I didn’t want to be mean, but it would be a surefire way to hurt her feelings enough that she’d leave me alone.
Not that I wanted her to. Not that I wanted to end whatever this friendship was that we shared. I couldn’t stand the thought of hurting her, but it would be best. I wasn’t good enough to be her friend and she needed to let go of her past.
That’s all I really was to her—a dark and ugly reminder of her past.
“Too busy to write?” She sounded hopeful and hurt, a horrible combination that made me feel like a jerk.
“Sort of.”
We both said nothing and for once it was awkward between us. I started to walk, headed back to that shitty group home I was close to leaving for good, and I was craving a cigarette.
Anything to help ease the pain that was wrapping itself so tightly around my heart.
“You’re mad at me,” she finally accused, and I immediately denied it.
“No way, Katie. I could never be mad at you. It’s just—it’s me.” And that was the truth. It was all on me, never on her.
“What about you? You don’t want to be my friend anymore?” Her voice trembled. She sounded like she might cry at any moment and my heart felt like it was being strangled.
“I will always be your friend,” I whispered, reaching into the pocket of my coat and withdrawing a pack of smokes. I pulled out a cig and held my phone between my neck and my shoulder, lighting up and taking a deep drag before I started talking again. “It’s just—shit is bad right now, with the trial and all. It’s probably best if we didn’t talk.”
“Whatever, Will.” She was full-on crying now and she sounded angry. “You were my only friend. The only one who understood what happened. And now even you won’t talk to me. Thanks. Thanks a lot.”
“Katie, wait—” I started, but the call ended and I was left listening to nothing but silence.
I shoved my phone into my back pocket and started walking once more, my strides long, my anger flowing like liquid fire through my veins. I just pissed off the only girl who ever meant something to me.
And I didn’t know how to fix it.
I wake with a jolt, my eyes flashing open as remnants of the dream—nightmare, take your pick—still cling to me. I lie completely still, my heart racing so hard I feel it roar in my ears and I wait for it to calm, listening for the normal middle-of-the-night sounds that will reassure me I’m where I should be.
In my house, alone, with no one standing over me.
A dog barks. The house creaks, settling as it does. I’ve always wondered how long it takes for a house to completely settle. I hear a car’s engine in the distance and I wonder if they’re leaving or coming home. Where are they? Where are they going? What are they doing?
I imagine a man leaving his girlfriend’s house. Maybe they’re not fully committed yet and that’s why he’s not spending the night. Perhaps he doesn’t even consider her his girlfriend. But they do boyfriend/girlfriend things. She invited him in after a night out and he agreed willingly, thankful she asked. He’d been thinking of only one thing the entire night.