I moved in front of him, shoving him as roughly as I could in the chest, determined to express me frustration and pain in any way other than tears. “Doona ye dare apologize to me. Why did ye ask me to come here only to tell me that ye can no longer do this? Ye had to know that I would believe ye were asking me to come and be with ye as ye promised me that we would. Ye finally tupped me, and as ye have done to countless other women, no longer have use for me, is that it?”
I dinna believe that’s what he was doing, but I hoped that the words would hurt him. Instead, they only angered him, and he reached out to grab me roughly by both arms.
“If ye believe that for one moment, ye are a mighty fool, Blaire. Perhaps I should no have asked ye to come here, but I couldna keep meself from seeing ye one last time.”
I jerked out of his grasp. “Ye are a selfish bastard, Arran. What changed since I last saw ye? Ye should have told me then, after that night, that we could no be together. I knew ye were too good of a man to allow yerself to do so while married to another.”
“Edana is with child.”
’Twas no what I’d thought he would say, and the shock of his words must have shown on me face for he quickly continued.
“I expect me face was quite similar to yers when she told me, lass. I have no touched Edana since I knew ye were back, but she says it happened shortly after our wedding.”
I could think of little to say and slowly moved to sit down on the bed once more. “So that is why then? Ye can no longer do this for the sake of the child?”
“Aye, lass. I shall be a good man for me child, even if it shall break me own heart to do so, leaving me a shell of a man. If she was no carrying my bairn, I swear to ye I would be buried inside of ye now and every moment that I could be for the rest of me life.”
He sat down next to me on the bed, crawling into the middle of it as he pulled me into his arms. Silently, I lay with me head against his chest, savoring the last moments I would hold him in me arms. I couldna fault him for this. If he did no act with honor now, he would no be the man who owned me heart.
“Can ye forgive me, lass?” He whispered the words into me hair as he gently kissed the top of me head.
“There is naught for me to forgive. Ye couldna have known I would return to ye, but I’ll no lie to ye and tell ye that me heart is no shattered, and I’m mighty jealous of yer wee wench of a wife.”
He shifted in surprise under me as he tilted me head up so that I was looking into his eyes. “Ye have nothing to be jealous of, love. ’Tis only ye that shall ever hold me heart.”
I shook me head in disagreement. “Nay, ye are wrong. I’m no jealous of Edana, only that she carries yer child. If only we’d both no been so foolish, that was a task meant for me. And I willna be the only one to hold yer heart. The child she carries will and already does so now, or ye wouldna be here doing what ye have just done.”
He couldn’t argue. He knew the truth in what I said. Instead, he simply held me close to him, rubbing me back as his lips lay on top of me hair.
Eventually, I fell asleep. When I awoke the next morning to the first rays of light shining into the crack of the doorway, he was gone.
Chapter 28
I was no surprised to find that he’d gone sometime in the night, but it made the finality of his farewell all the more painful. As far as I knew, there was no rush for me to get back to the castle, so I spent the morning inside the cottage with me arms wrapped around me knees as I curled up in the bed and wept.
I wept for Arran and his foolish choices that had gotten us to this point, I wept for meself and me ignorance, and I wept so that once I gathered the strength to leave this place of refuge, so separated from anyone else, that I would no cry for Arran Conall ever again.
Midday, I rose and tidied things before splashing me face with the cold water from the washstand, scrubbing away any remnants of tears. The iciness of the water brought forth an idea. I quickly stepped outside to see if the weather would allow it. Summer was upon Scotland, and the weather, usually damp and cold, was now pleasant and tolerable. I twisted in me dress, missing the freedom the clothes in the twenty-first century had given me. Unfortunately, ’twas still many years before women would wear trousers.
I walked in a circle around the cottage to ensure me solitude as I set me mind to going to the sea. A place along the beach, on the way back to Conall Castle, was just as secluded as the cottage. It had been years since I’d swum in the ocean, no that I had done it verra many times anyway. The seawater was much too cold. But today, it seemed a good idea, the appropriate medicine for me tender heart.
The water would hurt at first, its icy touch like a thousand pinpricks on me porcelain skin, but the pain would quickly fade and a numbness would replace it, a numbness that I hoped would work its way into me heart.
Ensuring that everything inside the cottage was just as it had been before me arrival, I mounted me horse and set out for the sea.
*