“But I kinda don’t know what I would do if we weren’t together. And that scares me because I’ve always been independent and taken care of myself. So then I try to imagine what it would be like if we weren’t together, because I need to be realistic and things fall apart and you just never know what could happen but I don’t know how I could...be without you.”
She stared at him as her breathing increased, eyes worried. He felt whatever anger he’d just had dissipating as he looked at her. He tightened his arms around her waist and pulled her closer. It seemed like she still didn’t know that she had him. That he belonged to her.
“You don’t think I feel the same way? You think your feelings for me are more intense than the way I feel about you, or that thinking about not being with you doesn’t scare me too?”
He thought about the time she’d gone to Phoenix for a week in the beginning of their relationship while she was deciding whether or not she was going to move back there for a job. He was embarrassed by how quickly he’d slipped into depression, drowning his ache in shots of Jack that did nothing to numb him.
“I mean, it’s just that when I see Lina and everything Raven went through with her ex and my mom with my dad and Chrissy with, well, everyone she’s ever been with…it’s scary, Brian,” she continued.
“Yeah, but you can’t keep looking at other people’s relationships though,” he said quietly. “This is me. Remember? This is us. Me and you. You have to trust me, Destiny. I can’t take you flipping out every time that you hear someone else is having problems in their relationship. You know?”
She nodded again, avoiding his eyes. “You’re right. I’m sorry, for real.” Her expression was still strained. “And I do trust you,” she countered softly. “It’s life that I don’t trust. We both know how quickly things can just flip and suddenly change everything you thought you knew.”
Her eyes grew distant and pained and he knew she was remembering her attack. His chest tightened and he pulled her even closer.
“I’m not going anywhere, love,” he reiterated. She still wasn’t looking at him.
“Destiny,” he said, causing her to meet his gaze. “You’re it for me.”
“I’m it?” she asked. “As in…?”
He stared at her and the vulnerability on her face made him want to comfort her. He decided to go ahead and just lay it all out there.
“As in I know I don’t ever want to be with anyone else,” he answered truthfully. “As in you don’t need to worry about us falling apart because of another woman. As in I want to marry you and I want you to have my babies. As in you are it.”
Her eyes were wide as she stared at him.
“So I’m in this with you,” he said, his voice low. “I’m there already. I’ve just been waiting for you to get there with me.”
She sucked in a breath, her expression shifting from sullen to terrified and he shook his head.
“I’m not suggesting we get married tomorrow, so calm down,” he said. “I just need you to fully understand where my head is because I won’t keep having these kinds of conversations with you. I’m beyond that. We’re beyond that. Okay?”
He paused as he looked at her chewing on her lip, his own questions starting to swirl in his mind.
“Is that…” he started before changing course. “Do you at least think about that with me? Do you see that in our future?”
She shifted uncomfortably on his lap and he held his breath, careful to keep his face void of emotion as he waited for her to answer him. It was a strange question to be asking. They’d known each other since they were kids. He professed his love for her months ago but they’d never really talked about their future together. He was content to get lost in their present, to lose himself in just being with her. A future with her seemed inevitable, as natural as the love he felt for her. But looking at her terrified expression now, he was doubting his assumptions.
“I can’t even imagine my future without you in it,” she finally said softly. She looked up and met his eyes and released an audible breath. “But I don’t know if I’ll be ready to get married, like, any time very soon, honestly. And I do want your babies. But not for, like, a while. I’m not ready to have kids yet. Is that okay?”
He chuckled shaking his head again. “We’re not ready for kids yet. Hell, I still have a roommate. And I’d want to be married to you first for a while before we even think about that for real.”
She nodded her head in relief and he couldn’t help but laugh again. She just had another Depo shot less than a month ago, though she said it would be her last one for a while because birth control wasn’t “natural.” Brian agreed, although for the time being he was glad they didn’t have to worry about getting pregnant. He figured they would discuss other means of birth control when the time came.
She turned in his lap so she could nuzzle her nose against the side of his face as she let her fingers gently skim over his exposed tattoo on his bicep. She sighed, then kissed his ear.
“Brian?”
“Yeah,” he answered, his eyes drifting closed as she nipped his earlobe.
“I know we’re not ready to have kids yet, but maybe we could practice?”