“Grace,” he said when I didn’t say anything, his beautiful eyes asking me to understand. “I should never have with you… I acted on impulse. I have to stop.” He ran a hand over his head, clearly frustrated with himself. “I have to take control of my life. Be a fucking man. Look where impulse has gotten me. It put me in jail, for Christ’s sake.”
Anger opened up my throat and vocal cords. “Are you comparing having sex with me to what you did to get yourself imprisoned?”
“Of course not.”
“Oh good,” I said, as I slid off the stool away from him. “I might have taken exception to that.”
“You’re pissed.” He sighed. “Shit, Grace, I never meant to —”
“Fuck me? Yeah, I got that memo.” I was suddenly desperate for him to leave before I was humiliated further by crying in front of him. “You can go now, Logan.”
He stood up, his features tightening. “Don’t be like that. Please. You’ve been so good to Maia and me – you have to know that you are the last person I’d ever want to hurt. I’m a dick, okay.” He held up his hands in surrender. “I shouldn’t have done it. I care about you, and I’m attracted to you – of course I’m fucking attracted to you; look at you – but I had no intention of crossing that line with you and spoiling what the three of us have. You know how Maia has been acting when she gets even the sniff of a woman in my life. I can’t do this. Please understand.”
I narrowed my eyes, too hurt to hear his explanation of why not. All I really wanted to know was why. “Why did you, then?” I said, unable to hold that hurt inside. At least my anger seemed to be stemming the tears. “I was content in the knowledge that you didn’t reciprocate my feelings for you, so why did you cross the line?”
Remorse blazed in his eyes. “I let jealousy get the better of me,” he admitted hoarsely.
I gave a huff of disbelief. “So you’re saying you got upset because another boy was playing with the toy you hadn’t had a chance to play with yet?”
“Don’t,” he warned. “Don’t make this worse. I had no idea how you felt about me.”
“Oh please, Logan. That may have been true when we first met, but we have been past the antagonistic-neighbor routine for a while now.”
The muscle in his jaw ticked. “I suspected you were attracted to me, but nothing deeper. I never imagined you could.”
“Because that’s me… the shallow hookup girl. You know me better than that.”
“Apparently, I don’t,” he snapped, eyes dark with anger. “But if you want me to take full responsibility for this, then I will. I’ve been an arsehole, I hurt you, and I hate that I’ve hurt you. I do. I am sorry,” he ended on a whisper.
I shook my head and wrapped my arms around my waist, turning away because I could feel the tears start to come now. “I’m the idiot that forgot you like your quick fucks to come hassle free, with an ever quicker good-bye.”
“Jesus —”
“Don’t. Just go. There’s no point to arguing. You were right before. I should have asked you to leave then. I’m asking you now.”
After a moment I heard him walk toward the kitchen doorway.
I batted at my tears and turned around. “Logan.”
He stopped, looking back at me almost hopefully.
“I don’t want you back here,” I said, squashing that hope. “Maia is always welcome and I will be civilized to you for her sake, but you and me… our friendship is officially over.”
He tensed, an incredulous look in his eyes. “You’re killing me here, babe.”
Tears blurred my vision. “Please.” I looked away, swiping at the drops as they fell down my cheeks.
“Okay,” he said softly, and I heard him walk away.
At the sound of my flat door closing, I burst into tears, tightening my arms around myself as if it could somehow keep the pain from spilling out all over.
CHAPTER 14
T
here are moments in life that change us irreparably. Sometimes those moments are grand and dramatic, tragic or beautiful in their intensity. Sometimes those moments are quiet and small, like footsteps fading behind a closed door. The subtlety of those moments can sometimes camouflage their impact.
And sometimes the impact is felt profoundly, but the quietness of the moment is lost on everyone else around you, adding loneliness to the equation.
That’s how I felt the next morning as I sat staring at my computer.
I’d fallen in love for the first time.
And he didn’t love me back.
I no longer felt whole. I felt like I’d given a piece of myself away but there was no reciprocation to fill the emptiness it had left behind.
My family’s lack of affection had been with me for so long that as I’d grown it had become a part of me. Every piece of me I’d tried to give to them had chipped away at me until I was this lonely teenager with a ten-mile-high wall of defenses and insecurities.
Aidan and Chloe had spent years helping me rebuild myself.
And I’d just handed a piece away without thought.
Was that really Logan’s fault?
He had told me weeks ago that he didn’t want to be in a relationship because he was concentrating on Maia. And look at how we were first introduced? His bed had seen more women in it than the bunks in a rock band’s tour bus.