To my surprise he really was just going to give me a simple kiss, but I talked him into a real kiss. My god, what a fabulous kisser. He pulled away. It was over before it really started. He gave me the cheekiest smile I think I have ever seen. ‘Goodnight,’ we said.
It took me two full weeks to seduce him and, yes, I was the seductress. He was so adorably shy, which was the biggest turn on. But when it happened it was special beyond words. I was besotted.
We started spending every weekend together. I not only fell in love with him, I fell in love with his kids. Drew was a delight, mature beyond his years. He was funny and a true gentleman. Amanda was shy but so receptive to me. One evening, I was tucking her into bed and she started crying.
‘Please don’t leave, Annika, do you have to leave? Because I really don’t want you to. You make me feel good. I miss you when you’re not here. I really don’t want you to go.’
To my surprise, I was crying too. I felt needed and loved and appreciated. I tried to calm her but I couldn’t give her promises because I didn’t know where her father and I were going to be in the future. So instead I just cuddled her to sleep. Austin must have wondered where I was because he came looking for me, turning the light in the bedroom on and waking Amanda up.
‘What’s wrong, Amanda?’ he asked.
She started to cry all over again. Austin came to her side. I felt this was something they needed to discuss so I took my leave.
He called me an hour and a half later, drained. ‘You remind her of how much she misses her mother.’
We didn’t say anything more, simply sitting in silence on the phone, each waiting for the other to acknowledge that we had to either make this serious, break with the past and move forward for the children’s sake, or end it. I knew that I had to tell Austin about my work soon. I was in love with him, I was in love with his kids but it wasn’t fair to lie to him. Before he was well and truly in love with me I had to tell him what I did for a living so that if he wanted to call it off he could before anyone was deeply hurt. The whole thought scared me because I was sure he would abandon me once he knew that I fucked men for money.
The following Wednesday was the evening I had decided to tell him. In preparation I stocked up on alcohol: two bottles of cabernet sauvignon, two bottles of Riccadonna and three tins of gin and tonic. By way of buttering him up I cooked a magnificent roast dinner and a minestrone soup. I baked an orange and poppyseed cake. After dinner and a game of cards I put Poppy to bed, opened the second bottle of wine and plopped myself on the couch opposite Austin. He immediately jumped beside me ready for a snuggle. I moved to the other couch like a game of musical chairs.
‘Stay where you are. We have to talk. I have something that I have to tell you and I just need some space to get through this.’
The serious look on his face gave me the impression that he thought I was about to break up with him.
‘I am madly, deeply in love with you.’ He looked a bit startled by this admission. ‘But I fear that I don’t deserve you.’ He tried to join me on my couch, a smile growing on his face. ‘No, please, stay there. I have something to tell you that I know you won’t like. This secret may make you not to want to see me again, and I’ll fully understand and not be offended by your rejection.’ He looked curious and bemused, with a whiff of fear. ‘I did not plan Poppy, she came along before I had a chance to live myself. Before she came along, life was just about fun and survival. So I never really thought about my future. Children were a faraway thought. I never thought about saving money or improving my resume. And now I regret not taking life a bit more seriously when I had the opportunity because I have no qualifications, no savings and no assets.
‘Until recently, Poppy and I were destitute. When Ben finally succumbed to his disease, I lost the will to work. We were surviving on the pension, which really only pays for a roof and food. I had no furniture and no car. Poppy kept growing so she constantly needed new clothes that I simply couldn’t afford. My mother took my furniture and stole a lot of money from me. Some evenings we had to sleep in three layers of clothes just to keep warm because we had no heat. I had not turned out to be the mother that I had dreamed of being. Failing myself is OK but to fail Poppy was unthinkable. She deserves so much better. I knew at the rate I was going that I would never own my own car, never own my own home and never be able to give Poppy all the things she deserves.’
By now I had finished an entire bottle of wine all by myself and was still thirsty. I was sobbing from guilt and fear. My eyes stung and my chest heaved. Austin was mute. He opened another bottle and gently refilled my glass. Under other circumstances I would have been drunk as a skunk but unfortunately I felt stone cold sober. My whole body was shaking for I knew the worst was yet to come. I settled in for the next onslaught of hard reality.
‘Annika, are you a prostitute?’