Sticking the survey into the copier, I slam the lid down and angrily punch the buttons for copies. “You can’t even stand Ava. Why would you want to spend even a minute alone with her?”
Tyler shrugs and grabs the copies as they spit out of the machine. “I don’t have to like someone to use them for sex. Seriously, it’s like you’ve grown a vagina since the last time you banged a chick. How do you not know this information already?”
At this moment, I should probably threaten Tyler’s life and tell him that Ava is like a sister to me and if he hurts her I will dismember him. But really it’s Tyler I’m worried about. Ava is like a praying mantis on crack. She will not only chew off his head after she has sex with him, she will have sex with his headless body afterwards and then light it on fire.
I really don’t want Tyler and Ava alone together where potential secrets could be leaked, but maybe Tyler can use his evil powers for good and find out what Charlotte is thinking.
We walk to the end of the hall and enter a room with a row of chairs facing the double-sided glass, and I take a seat in the middle. Tyler walks right up to the glass and puts his face against it.
“Holy hell, look at all those hot girls. And to think, right before they came here they probably had a few orgasms. Is this what Heaven is like?”
I roll my eyes at Tyler and check my watch. It looks like all ten consumers are in the room; we just need to wait for Aunt Liz to get here to start the meeting.
A few minutes later while Tyler is busy licking the glass, the door flies open and Aunt Liz comes rushing in, out of breath and looking frazzled. “Do you have the surveys?”
I hand them to her and she takes a moment to flip through them and catch her breath. “There was a breakdown on one of the machines in the plant and I’ve been on the phone with them for the past three hours trying to get it fixed. Of course it’s the one producing The Telephone and everyone is freaking out.”
Tyler turns away from the glass and walks up to Aunt Liz. “You’re a busy woman. How about you go back to your office and relax. I’ll take care of this meeting.”
She looks up from the surveys and raises her eyebrow at him. “You know that none of those women in there are going to actually masturbate today, right?”
Tyler crosses his arms in front of him and glares at her. “Why is everyone lying to me today?! It’s like you WANT me to cry.”
Aunt Liz sighs and turns back to me. “Alright, I think I’ll head in there and see what’s what. A few of them emailed me questions that I need to answer. Mostly they just want to know why we made a toy shaped like a phone and called it The Telephone.”
“Why did you make a toy like that? It doesn’t exactly shout, ‘Hey, let’s have sex!’ unless it’s designed for people who call hookers. Or maybe sex phone operators. I knew those chicks weren’t faking it,” Tyler complains.
“Actually, Gavin should know the story around The Telephone,” Aunt Liz says with a laugh.
I look at her in confusion and shake my head. “No, I don’t know any story. I just know my dad surprised Mom for their anniversary with the specs for the toy. Should I know the story?”
Aunt Liz crosses her arms in front of her and cocks her head to the side. “You seriously don’t remember telephone calls when you were little?”
Wracking my brain to try and remember what the hell she’s talking about, I have a faint memory of my parents constantly talking about making phone calls. I guess now that I think about it, they used to always put a movie on for me and tell me they had important phone calls to make. My mom was always really busy getting Seduction and Snacks up and running so I assumed she just had a lot of business calls to make.
“Oh my gosh, this is the best day ever,” Aunt Liz states happily. “So, yeah, when they said they were making phone calls they were really having sex.”
I can feel all of the coffee I drank this morning churning in my stomach. I know everyone’s parents have sex. I’m not stupid. But MY parents shouldn’t have sex. My parents should have only had sex to procreate, so twice. I’m going to vomit.
“Your dad really liked to make long distance phone calls. And pull his antennae out,” Aunt Liz adds.
Covering my mouth with my hand, I shake my head back and forth.
“I’m pretty sure they made a phone call in your room while you were sleeping. Maybe even on your bed when you were gone. I bet they even made phone calls in the front seat of the car while you were oblivious in the back. You know, some road calls under the steering wheel.”
Aunt Liz couldn’t care less that I’m about to curl up in the corner, rocking back and forth.
“Claire is so awesome. I need to see if she’ll add me to her friends and family plan,” Tyler says. “It could be worse, Gavin. You think imagining about your parents having sex is bad, try thinking about your mom masturbating. Now THAT’s disturbing.”
Vomit in my mouth. VOMIT IN MY FUCKING MOUTH!