“I hope that is a real fucking gun in your pocket and you’re not excited to see me, otherwise this friendship is over. I don’t swing that way,” Tyler says in disgust as he stares at the crotch of my black dress pants.
Looking down, I realize I have the world’s biggest hard-on tenting the front of my pants. I quickly turn away from the gathering crowd and un-tuck my dress shirt from my pants to try and cover it up.
“Oh my God, why won’t it go down?!” I whisper yell.
“Try thinking about your mom naked. Wait, never mind, that just got me hard,” Tyler says with a laugh.
“God dammit, shut up! Shit. Baseball, Pops taking a dump, puppies dying, Barney,” I mutter, squeezing my eyes closed. “Holy fuck this is starting to hurt. Why won’t it go away?”
“Wait, this is a serious problem? I thought you were just kidding,” Tyler says after a few minutes of watching me mumble.
“It’s a serious fucking problem! It feels like there’s a penis inside of my penis trying to claw its way out and fuck everything in sight! I have to cut this ribbon in fifteen minutes. I can’t stand in front of all of these people like this,” I complain.
“Actually, this is probably the best place for you to be with this type of problem. I’m actually surprised there aren’t people whipping it out in the parking lot. Try smacking it,” Tyler suggests.
Before I can tell him that’s a dumb idea, the palm of his hand smacks against my dick with the force of a two-by-four. I immediately bend over at the waist and start dry heaving and calling Tyler every name I can think of.
“Hey, Tyler! Is Gavin okay?”
Oh holy fuck, Charlotte is here!
I can hear her heels clicking on the sidewalk, bringing her closer and closer.
“Oh my God! She can’t see me like this!” I panic, fumbling with the scissors and trying to get them to cover me.
“Hey, number five on the list is totally gonna happen right now!” Tyler says, clapping his hands together in glee.
“I’m not showing her my penis!” I whisper.
“Oh I’m pretty sure your penis has other ideas. He’s like an angry armadillo trying to claw his way out of a bunker right now.”
Staying hunched over, I turn around to face Charlotte, which is a really bad idea. Seeing Charlotte always turns me on. My face suddenly feels hot, and I’m lightheaded because all of the blood in my fucking body is now pumping through my penis. My angry armadillo penis.
“Are you okay? You don’t look so good,” Charlotte says as she puts her hand on my shoulder and starts rubbing small circles there.
“You might not want to touch him right now. That’s probably going to make it worse,” Tyler laughs.
“Shut the fuck up,” I growl under my breath as I try to stand back and wince when I feel my penis shift against my boxer briefs.
“Do you have a stomach ache or something?” Charlotte asks.
“His ache is a little lower than his stomach,” Tyler tells her with a smile.
“I have some Pepto in my car. I’ll be right back,” she tells me before turning away to rush back to her car.
“Mr. Ellis, we’re about five minutes away from the ribbon cutting. The photographer is just finishing setting up his equipment,” Chris Minney, the owner of Minney’s Adult Mart, tells me as she walks up next to me.
Sucking up the pain in my groin, I stand up. Her eyes flash right down to my tented pants.
“Well, um, huh. It’s good to see you’re so excited about our grand opening. I think we have some things inside that will take care of that,” she tells me with a pat on the back before walking away to talk to a few customers.
“Oh this is just awesome,” I complain.
“How long have you had this problem?” Tyler asks.
Looking at my watch I’m shocked to realize just how long it’s been.
“Almost two hours. I think my penis is broken. What if it never goes down? I can’t walk around like this forever.”
“Well, you’ve still got five minutes. Go around back and spank one out,” Tyler says.
“I’m afraid to touch it. What if it gets worse?”
“Dude, you don’t have a gigantor penis. It can’t possibly get any bigger. Maybe it’s stress. I get stress hard-ons sometimes. If The Gap gets really busy and I don’t have time to fold all of my jeans, it can turn into a problem.”
Sometimes I wonder why we’re even friends.
“Fuck. It’s probably those stupid vitamins my grandpa gave me before dinner. I knew I shouldn’t have taken those on an empty stomach,” I complain.
“Pops gave you vitamins? That doesn’t sound like something he would do. He’s not that nice. What kind of vitamins were they?”
I shrug and try to shift my weight to my other leg to alleviate some of the pressure. My penis feels like it’s going to explode. And not in a good way. In a blood and guts kind of way.
“I don’t know. He said they were vitamins. They were little, blue things.”
Tyler’s eyes open wide and he bursts out laughing. “Oh fuck, dude, Pops gave you Viagra!”
I shake my head back and forth in denial. “What? No. There’s no way he would just slip me Viagra and not tell me.”
Right? RIGHT?!