“Ahhhh yes, the humility in the air. We’ve humbled the door into not opening for people,” Aunt Liz replies.
“I’m going to bed. Gavin, don’t forget we’re all going out tomorrow night. Make sure to invite this new girlfriend of yours so I can meet her,” Charlotte says as she walks behind me and pats me on the shoulder before she leaves the room.
I hold my breath until I hear the click of her heels taper off down the hallway and the door to her bedroom close.
Turning around in my seat, I smack Tyler in the arm once again.
“Owww! What the fuck was that for?!”
“Girlfriend? Supermodel hot? Bendy?” I whisper through clenched teeth.
“The bendy part was a bit overkill, but it totally worked. She was insanely jealous,” Aunt Liz says with a nod of her head.
She wasn’t jealous. We’re friends. Best friends. She’s irritated because she found out about it from Tyler in a room full of people instead of directly from me. When she started dating Rocco, she sat me down and told me, just like a good friend does. I should have taken her aside alone and told her about my girlfriend.
Oh my God, what the fuck am I saying? I don’t have a girlfriend!
“Gavin, you have a girlfriend?! Oh my gosh that’s so exciting! I have condoms in my purse if you need them. They’re the kind with insecticide so they totally work,” Aunt Jenny tells me.
“Spermicide, Jenny. Spermicide. Sweet Jesus,” Aunt Liz complains.
“Gavin’s cock has roaches, pass it on!” Tyler laughs.
“It’s all fun and games until you assholes start talking about my son having sex. Gavin doesn’t need condoms,” Mom informs everyone.
“Are you ready to be Nana Claire right now? Because I’m too young and pretty to be Gammy Liz. If he’s going to be having sex with my daughter, he will damn well wrap his shit up!” Aunt Liz yells. “Jenny, give him your condoms.”
Aunt Jenny starts to walk over to the counter where her purse sits but stops when my mom speaks.
“Jenny, you take one more step in that direction and I will rip out your ovaries,” Mom threatens.
Aunt Jenny freezes again and holds her hands up in the air like she’s under arrest.
“Throwing away all of the condoms you found in his top dresser drawer didn’t stop him from having sex with Shelly Collins in the twelfth grade. Quit being a twat and let him have the damn condoms,” Aunt Liz adds with a roll of her eyes.
You know, sometimes I think I’d like it better if my mom had absolutely no friends at all. Especially friends that she tells everything to and that also happens to be the mother of the woman I’m in love with. Talking about my one and only sexual encounter on prom night that only happened because I found out Charlotte lost her virginity the week before to the bass player in my band obviously wasn’t my finest hour. And the fact that my mom and Aunt Liz have already picked out their grandparent names is disturbing. Gammy Liz???
“We are never to speak again of my son having sex. EVER!” Mom warns.
“Thank you,” I mutter gratefully with a sigh.
“Instead, we should be talking about what his girlfriend will be wearing tomorrow night,” she states.
Oh my God.
“Make sure she wears something totally slutty,” Aunt Liz tells me.
“And make sure you watch Charlotte out of the corner of your eye so you can see the look on her face,” Mom adds.
“Um, are we forgetting something here? I don’t have a girlfriend,” I remind them.
“I got your back, bro. I’ve got the perfect woman for you,” Tyler tells me.
“You don’t know any women. You only know hookers. You are not setting my son up on a fake date with a hooker.” Mom glares at him and practically growls.
“Hey, that was one time and it was an honest mistake. She was right outside the bar asking people if they wanted to go on a date. Who turns down an offer like that?” Tyler asks.
“Someone who doesn’t want to get VD,” Mom tells him.
“I had Chlamydia once. It wasn’t so bad. Antibiotics cleared it right up,” Jenny says, still standing by the counter with her arms up in the air.
“Tyler, I am trusting you to find my son a nice girl that you DO NOT have to pay.”
Tyler salutes her and then rests his hand over his heart.
“Your wish is my command, my beauty. Is there anything else I can do for you on this fine evening?”
Mom rubs her temples with her fingers and starts muttering under her breath about cyanide tablets and firing squads while Aunt Liz and Tyler discuss the girl he’s going to hook me up with tomorrow night.
I was really looking forward to a night out with my friends, even if I have to suffer through more hours of watching Charlotte with Rocco―her flamboyantly annoying boyfriend. Now, I’m pretty sure I should just plan on leaving the country and changing my name. It would be less trouble.
“Meet me outside by your car in fifteen minutes. I’ll slip you the condoms when your mom isn’t looking,” Aunt Jenny whispers in my ear. “Just make sure you don’t use them with apple butter and grapeseed oil. It sounds like a good idea, but it’s not. Trust me.”