“Really?” Rayna’s eyes grow wide in excitement.
“Of course. I actually like the idea of you in my kitchen cooking, preferably naked…in heels.”
Rayna’s head tilts back on a hearty laugh, and per usual, my heart inflates.
I wait until she’s done before I take on a sobering topic.
“Rayna, about your moms—”
“It’s fine,” she intercepts my attempt to clear the air. “Really. I need some time to adjust, but we’re fine.”
I nod as I study her expression. I really don’t know where to go from here. Rayna can be very difficult with things like this. Less than an hour ago, I just knew this was going to be a “silent” night.
“Okay…but you know that I love you, right?” I don’t like feeling like a broken record; I desperately need her to know I’d had her best interest in mind.
Rayna once again raises her left hand, displaying the symbol of my pledge of forever. She’s barely able to hide her roguish grin.
I think she gets it…
Chapter 4
Rayna
A couple of weeks after learning Azmir invited my mother to town found me still adjusting to the idea. I’m not angry, but I feel a part of my privacy had been breached when he invited her into my world. It’s been easy being in a new state, with no one who has a true reference of you and your past. My bones have been closeted. Outside of my nightmares, I’ve been able to escape that old world. The pain. My mother being here can be a liability to that locked closet.
What if she slips up and mentions the shooting? The murder.
I try to be mindful of calling to check on her a few times. She’s been receptive to it. She’s also been busy, trying to rebuild her own life; interviewing for jobs, keeping up with her doctor’s appointments. There’s been very little asked of me, and I’m relieved. Ironically, I can now appreciate Azmir’s apprehensions and mixed feelings of developing a relationship with Yazmine after so many years of being separated.
Azmir shocks me and attends another counseling session with me this week. Last week I’d gone alone, minus the shadow of John, my security escort, who of course stayed out in the waiting area. And this week Mr. Jacobs himself is tagging along. He hasn’t said why, just that he wants to come again.
He remains quiet for the most part. So quiet that I’m able to forget his presence for much of it and speak freely with Pastor Edmondson about my fears of never seeing Erin again, and my guilt of having my brother incarcerated while I’m away, flourishing, and free from the perils of home. Though I don’t elaborate on the extent of my onus, the fact that he would never be in that cell had I not been involved with O. I’m not ready to go there yet, and Azmir’s quietness isn’t that great that I’ve forgotten he’s here entirely. However, I’m able to be open about my brother’s absence from my life contributing to my loneliness. Pastor Edmonson and I are able to agree on that being one of the reasons I’ve been consistent with his visits and maintaining his commissary.
Speaking about Akeem is very emotional. It takes immense resolve for me not to break the levy of tears that grows behind the pain of it all. I manage to remain tear-free throughout the entire session. Before I know it, Pastor Edmonson is announcing the end of the session. We stand for our goodbyes and I feel Azmir’s warm hand on the curve of my back. It doesn’t feel sexual, perhaps for comfort. I’m not quite sure and begin to get nervous about the backlash of what I’ve shared over the past hour. Other than saying he feels privileged to attend the session and he would like to appear at more, Azmir doesn’t say much at all.
En route, while gazing unseen out of the window, Azmir mutters, “I’ve got something to talk with you about.”
My belly toils in the worst way as Ray, behind the wheel, drives us in his customary silence. This won’t be good. I knew it was a horrible idea having him sit in on my counseling session. I knew it would be a matter of time before he either threw something in my face or confronts me about something I’d shared, hence yet another reason why I hate expressing my feelings.
I roll my eyes as I exhale and wryly caution, “Yeah? Bring it.”
My body goes rigid as I prepare myself for the blow. This time I will not consider Ray when I respond. I won’t give a second thought to having another showdown with Azmir.