I’m nearing my second trimester and I’ve been insanely horny since telling Azmir about this pregnancy. He’s been tolerating my bestial hormones and crazy demands for sex—and rough sex—the whole time. It’s been most insane with my body constantly craving him, even during work. Oh, my god, poor Peg. She must have endured disruption of work from my lewd cries on a least a half a dozen occasions. I was nearly caught with Azmir in my mouth in the pool room at my job. If it weren’t for the delay in the light switch, poor Sharon would’ve caught an indecent show. Azmir mumbles profanity under his breath each time after we carry on in public, swearing to no more of it. However, each time I accost him for more, he doesn’t seem to be able to resist my pheromonal callings.
We learned at my second appointment, at the end of April, that we’re expecting twins. I nearly passed out there on the table. Azmir was thrown into a daze, but quickly recovered with excitement. He couldn’t believe that he’ll be getting a full fledge family our first go round. Eventually, I accepted it as one and done. While each day since my morning sickness phase has been pleasant, I don’t think I’ll be one of those women who doesn’t mind being pregnant.
Just last week, on Azmir’s birthday, over dinner on Malibu Beach, he presented me with the blueprint to a new construction of our home in Orange County. It was bittersweet. I love the marina. It’s the place where his class and elegance was made soundly clear to me. But I also understand that it has more of a sexy air to it than a familial one. We need to prepare for our pending family. After sensing my hesitance, Azmir agreed that we’d hold off on selling the apartment until I was ready. I told him it would be ridiculous, that keeping both properties—and not to mention the other properties Azmir owns that I’ve yet to visit—would be superfluous. He issued his smirk and said, “I’ve told you, I like superfluity. I’ve earned it and now you’ll have to adjust to it as well,” melting me instantly.
After dropping Erin off, we head back to the marina, enjoying a quiet ride home. My mind is busy, churning over revelations I’ve collected over the past year since my life has been flipped, turned upside down. Azmir and I make love, sweet and impassioned. He’s attentive to my condition, too attentive, but he’s improving. I’m continuously reminding him that he doesn’t have to be delicate, that I’ll tell him when it’s too much. I guess being a soon-to-be father has him extremely cautious already.
After I shower and leave Azmir to his sports channels, I go out to the balcony off the master suite and take in the nighttime marina. The lights are bouncing off the water, the boats swaying just off the dock. It’s a quiet evening, the view is most inspiring and my spirit is calm. The picturesque view reminds me of how fortunate I am, something that I could argue the opposite of just two short years ago. My life hasn’t been perfect. I’ve struggled with pain, betrayal, belonging, trust, and even anger. I was headed down a road of self-exile and willingly because I was too afraid to open my heart. I didn’t understand love, so I certainly didn’t love myself enough; I’d only functioned in survival. Survival was easy because when you fight to survive the only person you have to consider is yourself.
When I left home for school, I’d only thought of my well-being, preserving me. When I came out to California, I put myself through graduate school and even irresponsibly borrowed money to suit me. I dated men and even took on sexual relationships with them to satisfy my wants, thinking I was receiving gratification in those acts. I only let Michelle into my life exclusively, my heart exclusively to protect me from more betrayal.
However, when I met Azmir, I soon discovered the act of reciprocity. Something in me was so drawn to him that I felt things that were unfamiliar and he kept pushing me into a sphere that forced me to recognize the possibility of living a life that goes beyond survival. A world where I have to give someone else something that I’ve been lacking for so long—unconditional love. Before I could fully embrace it with him, I had to go seek the original Source first, though. I needed to learn more about love and all it entails. And I’m still learning.
Love encompasses so much. Though one of my biggest lessons is that it is unconditional. You don’t run from, or shun, or scrutinize love. You embrace it and cherish it.
And though all these years I knew it was a possible, I now know love’s improbable possibility.
Epilogue
Azmir
“Mrs. J, let’s go!” I call out from the base of the spiral staircase.
I’ve been waiting for nearly thirty minutes. The idea was for her to quickly shower, slip on the dress and shoes I’ve laid aside for her, and be ready to roll. It wasn’t that detailed of a plan. We just left the twins’ preschool graduation party and stopped home to get dressed for an adult outing.
Shit!
I’m reminded that she possibly can’t hear me from down here. I had this 10,000 square foot home built out in Orange County. Rarely is it this quiet with two toddlers, a nanny, and house staff running around, but tonight everyone is out or off, giving me much needed alone time with this slow ass woman!
I go for the phone in the foyer and page the master suite, “Little girl, if you don’t bring your sweet little—”