It’s so powerful that it halts my tracks. I can’t manage to face him, though. For a few seconds I am motionless. My mind is telling my legs to move, but they won’t listen. Per usual, my heart, mind, and body are out of sync concerning this man.
For seconds the ocean sings long and loud. Then I turn to him, wondering where he’s gone. I see him, eyes glazed and shoulders sagged.
“I…have nobody else—” he begs before his voice gives out.
Azmir is broken. Crumbling is the placid veneer. And it hits me, he isn’t asking for me to be a front woman or to be an accomplice to his illegal activities. He’s begging me to not desert him in this dark hour. For the first time in my life, I feel something that is far from physical by someone other than Michelle. This is a different emotion, however. It is unconditional, partnership love.
I immediately feel an exclusive connection to another human being like never before. In this moment, all of my feelings for Azmir come flooding in and then some. The realization is so powerful that it overwhelms me. It weakens me. My frozen state doesn’t relent. My body goes cold and then hot. I’m in a trance until I feel Azmir’s arms wrap themselves around my upper torso. With his face buried in my neck, he sobs silently. With each heavy exhale he pushes out, my knees fail. My tears won’t stop falling. We stay in this position for what seems like days.
At some point I’m eventually able to regain control of my body and stand on my own. When he’s feels he no longer needs to support me, Azmir lets up on his grip and turns me around to face him.
He peers directly into eyes and murmurs, “I was wrong and I am sorry.”
Our embrace is stapled to this very spot on the beach where we stand. This formidable man...my loving and capable husband seems so vulnerable and wounded. I want so desperately to reach for him and provide loving arms to console him. To tell him everything will be okay but...I can’t. I can’t live past today. The day I learned he’s lied to me and kept another life from me. It is so close to what my father did to us as his family. He totally became a different man...took on a different life in spite of us. Azmir didn’t just keep troubling information from me, he’s withheld an entire world that he had created from me. I could never trust a man who was capable of such grave deception.
I break our clasp. With tears still streaming uncontrollably from my eyes that are focused on the sand we’re standing on, I whisper, “I’m ready to go now.”
From short glances up to his pain stricken face, I can see that his eyes are glued to me, trying to find a clue as to what I’m feeling. I guess he’s discovered that I’m over this conversation and there is no need for us to stay here. I hope he won’t press me for any answers about our future. He doesn’t. He grabs my hand and we slowly saunter to the truck.
The ride back to Cobalt seems eternal. It gives me lots of time to think, but in that long duration, my heart can’t open to what it once was. He’s lied and therefore is a liar. He’s disappointed me, and is, from here on out, untrustworthy. He, like me for the most part of the ride, stays glued to the view of his window unseeing. When we arrive back at Cobalt, I don’t give Azmir or Ray a chance to open my door. I expeditiously, yet calmly exit the truck. But I do I wait for him to approach me.
“Give me a minute to close up a few things here and I’ll ride home with you,” he murmurs.
No. “I’m going to the apartment to get a few things. I need time to think this mess through. I’ve heard you out and now need to process it all,” I inform. Azmir immediately looks torn. It’s clear he wasn’t expecting this.
I continue, “You hit me with a lot out there, you must admit.” He sighs in agreement. “Now finally give me the time to decide if I want this. Azmir, you know I’ve come a long way with personal and spiritual development since...us. I need time...” My voice gives out on me and my tears return.
He reaches for me. I back out of his range before walking away. As I peel out of the parking lot, I see him in my rearview mirror, standing in the same spot where I left him. He has one hand on his hip and the other on the back of his neck.
I burst into the apartment and fly into the master suite closet. I find two large duffel luggage bags. I go into the drawers and begin throwing essentials in them. I then go into the bathroom, depositing a toothbrush and facial moisturizer, then hair products. I dump everything I can think that I’ll need. Then I go for Azna’s things.
The last thing I grab is Azna. I have no idea why I’m bringing him, all he’ll remind me of is Azmir. I don’t want any connections to that man. I lower my dear pooch onto the floor. “I can’t take you today, lil guy. Perhaps in a few days,” I promise. The tears flow yet once again as I turn to leave.