Sarah nodded, her hands still nimble in knitting.
“I didn’t know. All I knew was I hadn’t heard from her in weeks and…” My eyes closed, remembering the undercurrent of emotions I felt at not hearing from her after having an amazing time with her that first time in Alpine. “I didn’t like it. I wanted to make sure she was okay. I thought maybe I’d said or done something to hurt or offend her. Or worse: that she’d heard something bogus in the damn media. I couldn’t talk to anyone about these…fears, because I honestly didn’t understand them myself.” I shook my head at the memory.
“Anyway, one day I said fu—” I observed the amused smile on her face. “I mean, forget that; I’m going to reach out to her. It took a few days, but I tracked her down in the library, sneaking into a reserved room,” I snickered, thinking about how big her eyes got when she saw me step into the room. “She was listening to music on her iPod and I picked up an earplug to hear. A song by Ledisi was playing. Lost and Found. I hadn’t heard it before, but within just seconds, I could feel the spirit of the song. Feel Zoey’s pain. After leaving her that night, I downloaded the track and absorbed it. It’s really melancholy…really desperate. The subtitle of the track is Find Me—it’s that dark.” I rubbed my face.
“It’s the pressure of it all: the game, the business of it, the wolves in sheep’s clothing… It gets so heavy.” I brought my eyes back up to Sarah.
Her eyebrows were hiked and chin angled. “And?”
I exhaled. She saw through the bullshit. “And I lost my best friend. I fucking literally live the sentiment of that track.”
There was a long pause. A cloud over the room being removed. It’s hard to speak of those things you can only feel. I didn’t feel the need to apologize for the vulgar word I used to express myself, neither would I make a habit of using it. I just needed to be understood.
Sarah swiftly tossed her yarn and needles on the table and grabbed her chest with one hand. She rested her forehead on the other hand that was balled into fist. I watched her pant for a minute. I wasn’t alarmed. I didn’t know what was coming, but for some reason, I wasn’t afraid of it.
“I knew it.” She shook her head on her fist. “My Zoey’s nobody’s fool. No one’s perfect, but she’s been my saving grace as a parent. I knew she didn’t fall into this thing without her head.”
I chewed on the inside of my lips as I sat back in the chair, feeling a thousand pounds lighter.
Sarah’s head rose, her eyes reached to mine desperately. “You loved her—”
“I love her,” I muttered, correcting her.
Her mouth dropped. I saw the confusion in her eyes. Could hear the questions she couldn’t muster to ask.
“She’s so young. She needs to live. To discover. Zoey wants to explore the world, not be locked in a lifetime commitment. She wants to journey alone.” I shook my head again. “She can’t do that being under me. She doesn’t deserve the hot seat that comes with this lifestyle. She deserves the time she needs to make that decision on her own. I don’t want this baby slipup to make that decision for her. I can keep her life private—or far more private than I could if she was by my side.
“Zoey wants the same destination any other girl her age desires. She just wants a different journey to get there. She’s an idealist. If you don’t manage her, she’ll slip away.”
I shook my head again. “I’ve created so much of a mess, I don’t know how to fix it.” I rubbed the pang that ran through my chest. “I don’t know what to do with the...pain,” I admitted.
Sarah’s eyes suddenly narrowed. “Do you want to be with Zoey, Stenton?”
“I want her to choose me. But I never felt I was her choice.”
“Seems to me you two need time. Zoey needs to find herself first.”