The waiter took off with my plate and I paid Stenton a glance. I’d hoped he wasn’t offended. He did, however, seem preoccupied by it.
He shot me a long glance for a few seconds before asking, “Are you going to have time for dessert? It’s your birthday; can’t forget the cake,” Stenton gave a wry smile, but one that was expressed in his eyes.
I only responded with a regretful smile. I couldn’t eat. Though I was one of those pregnant women with a robust appetite, my unease countered my need for food.
“So, how are you?” He gestured to me with his chin.
“Hanging on in there, considering the circumstances.” I rubbed my belly.
His face turned crestfallen right away. “Are they giving you shit, Zo? All this time I figured you were good…being with your family and all, but if those fucking holy rollers are giving you a hard time—”
“No,” I murmured then ducked my chin. I didn’t want to think about folks from my church. Yes, they were having a time with the third consecutive pregnancy out of wedlock in our flock, but my parents had been shielding me from much of the scrutiny. “The people will be the people. But my pastor has been great. I know I’ve disappointed him. Similar to my parents, he thought I was the difference. Nonetheless, he’s been comforting. He’s a bit younger than that Old Testament crew who still conduct themselves as they did before the day of Pentecost, but it’s no big deal…”
…nothing in comparison to my vacant chest from you stealing my heart.
My eyes traveled beyond him, stalling to think of an appropriate answer to his original question without coming off as angry. I was lonely, big and tired…all of the time. I felt abandoned and useless. Why shouldn’t I share this? What would I have to lose? He’d already decided against taking the journey with me. Or would I do undue damage to what my heart really desired?
Decided, I looked directly into his eyes and answered, “I’m hormonal.”
He wanted an answer, I’d be truthful.
“As in physically?” His bushy eyebrows furrowed.
“Emotionally, often. I wake up confused about my trajectory in life, and I go to bed lost in my reality. I get low from time to time. But yeah, that, too. Physically…my body is a wreck from day to day.”
I could see Stent’s mind turning over the mouthful I’d given him. He seemed concerned and confused himself. I couldn’t torture myself to figure out the specifics of his brain’s activity. Moments later, his long arm inched across the table in search of mine, and when he touched me I flinched.
“You’re not alone,” his tone was soft, sympathetic. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think it was laced with regret. “Whatever you need, you know you can just pick up the phone. No matter the expense. It’s yours, Ni?a.”
And there goes that pet name again. The name he called me when things were light and...good and uncomplicated. The name he could justifiably call me when I was innocent. It was not an appropriate name for my current state. I was no longer his baby girl. I was a full-fledged woman, about to give birth to a real baby.
I quickly swiped the tear that slipped. I let out a snort then a quick sniffle, embarrassed by the slip of emotions. He didn’t want to see me weak. It was not a problem his handlers could be assigned to.
“I’m sorry,” I rushed my napkin to my face to hide my stream of tears. “You don’t want to see me like this,” my voice was no more than a whisper.