I swallowed, fortifying myself. “I haven’t been home in a week. I couldn’t continue to have my mom see me like this.” My voice was suddenly raspy. That was what this man did to me.
“Why, Ni?a?” Stenton’s shaky tone spilled out.
His question and reference angered me. It made my soul cry again. My body quivered from my attempt to keep it together. I tried to conceal the anger.
“Because if she sees this, she’ll hate you!” I finally tapped into my feelings, caved into my misery. After a moment I was able to admit, “I don’t want my mother hating you. I’m not ready for that. If she hates you then maybe I will, too. And I’m not ready to hate you, Stenton. I’m not ready to move on from you. From us. And I feel like such a sappy princess for it. I almost detest myself for loving you!”
I lifted my eyes to control the water threatening to spill. When I raised my chin I saw Stenton shaking his head regrettably.
“There’s no need to hate yourself because of my stupid ass actions. It’s just—” His fist rose to his face and slammed into his mouth. “I just—” Again with the fist. “Zoey, I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to do this or…if it’s even fair for me to ask you to be with me at this delicate point in your life. I’ve never had to deal with someone as smart as you are and…loving and…so damn tender, Zo.” With his fists resting on either side of his hips, Stenton’s chin collapsed into his chest.
“Well, I don’t know what to say either. But what I do know is I’ve never felt pain…or loss the way that I have since Cayman. I’ve lost meaningful relationships…shoot, Angela isn’t speaking to me now. But this,” I place my hand over my heart. “…and this,” I shift both my hands to my belly. “…I’ve never felt physical pain like this before, Stenton. I don’t want this anymore.”
When his eyes landed onto my belly, Stenton heaved harshly and quickly shifted away in the other direction, brushing his hand roughly over the back of his neck, appearing embattled.
He didn’t turn back to me when he muttered, “I need you to come with me. I need you tonight.”
What?
Wait… “How did you even know I was here?”
Then Stenton turned and cracked a toothless, one-sided grin, resembling a bashful boy. “Facebook. You said you were starving in the back pew at choir rehearsal.”
“Come on. I’ll feed you.” He delivered casually as he started his stride back to his car.
I nodded, still dazed.
What was I supposed to say? No. Absolutely not? Being a young and inexperienced, I had no wherewithal against the object my heart and body were instinctively and impulsively drawn to. It wasn’t a matter of trust that made my decision; it was a matter of need. I needed Stenton, too.
When Stenton didn’t hear from me, he turned back and closely regarded my face. I don’t know what it showed, but he correctly perceived my answer when he returned to me, took my hand and walked me over to the passenger door.
The ride was silent. I was trying to think of good phrases, sarcasm and wit to illustrate the pain I’d been in. I needed him to know and possibly feel it so that he would see only being with him could cure it. On our way up to his apartment, I kept my view at his feet. I couldn’t look directly into his handsome face because I’d weaken.
“You’re making that fucking sound again,” he growled as we ascended in the elevator.
Ugh! My throat! I had to get a hold of myself.