I pull a chair from the dining room and sit across from her. Doing a puzzle upside down doesn’t really have any advantages, but it is quality time with my mom. I see a slight hint of a smile when I pick up a piece. I try not to stare, but seeing her cheeks rise, even for a brief moment, is nice to see.
“Who’s the girl?” She doesn’t look at me when she asks. Her voice is soft and caring.
I take a deep breath and place my puzzle piece in the proper location. “Her name is Hadley Carter.”
“Yes, I remember that much, but who is she… to you?” Her eyes meet mine and I can’t tell if she’s upset or not. There is no emotion coming from her.
I clear my throat. My fingers fiddle with the puzzle piece I’ve just picked up. “She’s my girlfriend.”
Mom leans back in her chair. Her hands leave the table and rest in her lap. Her eyes, they move from me to the table and to the window. Maybe she’s watching for my dad, knowing I’d never say things if he was around.
“She’s very pretty.”
“She’s beautiful, inside and out. And I like her a lot.”
She nods and picks up her coffee cup, but doesn’t take a drink. “You know you’re not allowed to date.”
I sigh. “Why’s it okay if I go out with Dylan?”
This has been something weighing on my mind. They are always so eager and willing to let me hang out with Dylan. Hell, she even let me spend the night in a hotel room with her without even questioning our motives. For all she knows we were having crazy animal sex all night long.
“Dylan…” Mom smiles when she looks at me. A real smile, one that makes her face light up. She loves Dylan. I know this. “She’s a good girl and treats you well.”
“So does Hadley.”
She shakes her head. “A good girl would never ask you to sneak out at night to meet her.”
“You…” my voice catches in my throat. “You know?”
She nods.
“It’s not what you think.” I look away to gather my thoughts. How am I going to sell Hadley to my mom when she’s so smitten with Dylan? “I like Hadley, Mom. A lot and want to see her as much as I can. She doesn’t live around here, so it’s not like I can see her at school or hang out after. She works a lot –”
“What does she do?” she interrupts me. At least she’s asking questions. That could mean she’s interested.
“She’s a musician.”
“Devil’s music?”
“Mom, she’s not the devil. She’s a musician. You’d like music if you’d listen. Hadley tells stories with her songs.”
“It’s not allowed, Ryan.”
“Why not?” I ask, leaning forward. I want her to look me in the eyes and tell me why we don’t watch television or even have a radio, but she doesn’t. She just sits there with her coffee cup in her hand, holding it tight as if it’s her lifeline.
“Mom, please talk to me.” I plead. “I saw you last night in here and things looked weird. What was that?”
She looks at me, her eyes cold. “It’s called praying. You should do more of it. It will help you guide your decisions so that you are making the best one for yourself.”
“Mom, I like Hadley and she likes me. I’m not asking for permission to see her. I’m almost eighteen and am willing to take the risk of sneaking out at night to be with her, but I’d like for you to see things from my side. For the first time, I’ve found someone that likes me for who I am and isn’t turned off by my second-hand clothes. She doesn’t care that I don’t have money, drive a fancy car, or live in a mansion. None of that matters to her because she likes me, your son, the one you’ve been raising.”
I can’t sit anymore. My hands are shaking. I want to throw her puzzle across the room and demand that she show me one ounce of support, to be there for me instead of hiding inside herself all the time. I get up and pace, chewing on my bottom lip. When I turn and look at her, she’s crying. I’ve made her cry.
I go to her, bending down in front of her. “Mom,” I say as I move her chair away from the table and take her cup out of her hand. “I want a chance at a life different from here. This life isn’t for me. The walls are closing in and I feel like I’m being squeezed of everything I know. Please, Mom, I know you’re not happy here. You never smile and it kills me to see you like this.”
“I’m happy,” she says quietly.
I shake my head. “Well, I’m not. I don’t want to work at the mill. I don’t even want to live in Brookfield anymore. I hate it here.”
“Ryan –“
“No, Mom, listen to me. I need something different. I want to be in a place that is alive, where people talk to each other every day, not just on Sundays.”
“And this girl plans to take you away?”
“No, she doesn’t, she’s not like that.” I get up and move back to my chair. “Hadley is different and the way she makes me feel – I didn’t know what I was missing until I met her.”
“You sound like you’re in love with a girl you just met.”
I shrug. Maybe I am. I just don’t know what love is or what it’s supposed to feel like. If love is what my parents have, I don’t want any part of it.
“I like her, mom. She makes me happy.”