But then something happened. I’d felt myself drifting away, knowing I’d wake again to the panic of losing her, the anguish of hurting her, and the fury of failing her. But this time I woke to something else. Arms wrapped around me, and I felt the warmth of skin against my chest. For a moment I panicked, thinking it could be Lisa, but then Helene sniffed her nose, and her arms tightened on me. Her body pressed to mine, and I buried my face against her neck. I breathed deeply as my fingertips dug into the backs of her shoulders. I held her tight, too tight, clutching her possessively and desperately to me, and I never once pulled my face from her neck as I used her closeness to finally release the panic that had been building for two days now.
Her quiet shushing and gentle touch as she ran her fingers through my hair sent warmth through my veins again, and I ran my hand down her back and over her naked bottom. Her leg was between mine; it had fast become my favorite way to hold her—close, entangled, fucking without actually fucking.
I couldn’t let this go.
“I don’t want to make you feel bad,” she whispered. Her hands clutched at my cheeks, pulling my face from her neck, and she kissed my mouth.
I nodded even as she kissed me.
“I can handle this,” she said between kisses.
I pulled back. “There’s so much to handle—”
But her lips cut me off again, and she kissed hard as her body pressed closer to mine. I moaned as I thrust my tongue into her mouth, and I pushed myself against her just as hard as she was holding herself to me. It was desperate, it was terrifying, it was also intense relief. Even after the kiss ended, our lips remained touching as we panted, and it was minutes later before I finally took a deep breath, leaned back, and turned the lamp on.
The room lit up in a warm glow thanks to the dim bulb, and when I turned back to see her, she was watching me. Her eyes were puffy. She’d been crying. Of course she’d been crying. I ran my finger down the center of her forehead, trailing it over her nose.
“I can’t ask you to be okay with my life, my decisions, my mistakes. And there are so many.” I wanted her to ignore every last warning I gave her.
And she did. “I want to be a part of your world.”
I wrapped my arms around her again and buried my face against her neck once more. I couldn’t seem to give her body any space. “You’re the brightest, warmest star in my universe,” I whispered. “You will never be less than everything to me.” I pulled back, studying her eyes. “You’re my Hell.” The irony of my oldest nickname in the world for her wasn’t lost on me—her either for that matter. She could be attached to the most painful, agonizing memories in my mind, but she also filled my most favorite memories too.
She took a shaky breath as a tear ran down her cheek. I understood her. She was terrified of me. She was terrified of what I might do to her. And more than even that, she was terrified of what I’d do to myself. I didn’t have to hurt her to hurt her, because she cared enough to be destroyed by what I could do to myself.
And I was very capable of destroying myself.
“We’re going to be okay.” I focused on her puffy beautiful eyes that looked as exhausted as I felt. I loved those words. They were so old for us, but so new now. Once upon a time those words spoken from her mouth had allowed me to glimpse the tiniest hint of the flower peeking through the snow. She’d warmed me in the cold, she’d comforted me in the pain, she’d loved me in the nightmare.
She reached for my cheeks, still nodding slightly as she studied my face. And she pulled my mouth to hers again, kissing me gently and sweetly. I could taste her tears on her lips, but she kissed again, pressing her mouth hard to mine and moaning quietly. The intensity built as her body moved against mine, and when she pushed the back of my sweatpants down, it was to clutch harshly into my butt cheeks. She gripped and held me close to her, pulling my groin to hers.
I pulled away from her lips for a moment, focusing on her face. She watched me, saying nothing, but when she pushed my sweatpants farther down as she studied my eyes, I nodded and kissed her again. I shoved my pants quickly down the rest of the way, and my mouth never left hers as I used my feet to kick them from my legs. I’d been in nearly this exact position forty-eight hours prior, but there was no nosy toddler or meddling sister to interrupt us now, and the panting, desperate sound of Helene’s mewling drove my need harder and faster.
When her fingers closed around my cock, my mouth dropped open in a silent groan that was trapped somewhere in the pit of my stomach. My eyes opened wide as her fingers tightened, and her body stilled as she studied my face. I glanced down to see, and my groan finally made it from my mouth at the sight of her delicate slim fingers trying to close around me. But her fingers couldn’t encircle the breadth, and the stricture on my erection as she tried was intense.
She stroked, and I let my body fall back to the bed as she pushed up to her elbow—her other hand still gripping and pulling against my cock. My back arched and writhed against the bed. Her fingers tightened and pulled, and she moved up and down my shaft as my heels dug into the mattress. I grunted as she jacked me off, and my hands were fisted at my sides.