“That destroyed me psychologically,” he said as he looked back out to the class. “And yet, I’d never been able to put that into words prior to sitting down with her and analyzing the repercussions of my actions. In truth, it infuriated me because I felt like that man had taken away my chance to change my mind, and I was so angry at him for that, and I resented him. That one thing that seems so clear and simple now had gnawed away at me for years, and yet, I was so focused on hurting myself that I didn’t fully realize the why behind my need to punish myself.”
I looked out at the faces watching Kane intently. Some stared, some eyes were glassy, and a few hands were even reaching for eyes to brush away stray tears.
“How do you trust yourself not to hurt the people you love the most when you have no idea what you’re capable of?” He slipped his hand up under the back of my shirt, placing his palm on my lower spine.
A young man raised his hand, and Kane nodded at him.
“Why did you turn yourself in? I mean, no one knew! No one would ever have known.” The kid shook his head, clearly perplexed.
“I knew.” He studied the kid for a moment. “And I wasn’t doing a very good job of managing that knowledge. Don’t think it was an easy decision. When I was … nothing more than a student in Helene’s class…” He rolled his eyes again, and students snickered. “…I was changing my mind every five minutes. I didn’t want to go to jail. I didn’t want to talk about it. I sure as hell didn’t want to leave Helene. But … I also knew I couldn’t continue in this life the way things were.
“The thing I learned is that whether I deserved to mete out justice or not … didn’t really matter. It was bigger than me. Justice is bigger than all of us. It’s complicated, it’s messy, it…” He glanced to me and smiled. “…unravels the second you think you’ve wrapped your head around it.”
He looked back out at the students. “Human life is a fragile, fragile thing. Taking it away from someone … is a decision that doesn’t belong to us. Mind you, this is my opinion, and it is based solely on my experiences and my prejudices. You’re not required to agree with me, and I would fault no one for taking a different stance. As my wife will tell you, nothing is black and white in this field.” He went silent, and his hand stroked my back gently.
“So, an eye for an eye?” I asked as I looked at him.
“That one’s still a little complicated for me. But if it involves taking an offenders life, no.” He looked back at me.
“Death penalty?”
“No.” His lips pulled up slightly.
“Extermination of pedophiles?”
“No. Though, I’m not at all opposed to castration.” His lips pulled up in a bigger grin as he watched me.
Students laughed again, and when we faced forward, I saw more hands brushing tears away even as they chuckled and smiled.
A young woman in the second row raised her hand, and I called on her.
“Is there a circumstance in which you would ever kill again?”
Kane nodded. “To protect my wife, children, and even my own life … absolutely. To exact a revenge I thought I deserved. No. That price tag is too high.” He paused for a moment. “Here’s what I’ve discovered. I deserved better than what I gave myself. I deserved to recover from the trauma that happened to us and go on to live my life. I’m the one who took that away from myself for ten years—from Helene too, because my actions impacted her just as much as they did me. None of us can do anything in this world only to ourselves without affecting another. We’re all just dominoes lined up waiting to fall.”
The room was silent, and Kane’s fingers curled against my lower back, sending a flush over my skin.
“Okay,” I finally said. “He’s open to questions you might have, so I’m turning it over to you guys. Don’t worry. If he doesn’t want to answer a particular question because it’s too personal, I assure you, he’ll tell you.”
I stood, and Kane’s hand slipped from under my shirt. I rounded the desk and took a seat in the chair, and soon, hands started to raise. Kane answered one question after another. Many were relevant, many were ridiculous or just plain invasive. He politely refused to answer any questions about what happened to Kane and I—there were always a few people willing to ask for specifics. But frankly, our statements were all part of public record if they cared to research it, and it simply wasn’t the point of this discussion.
“What were you most looking forward to doing when you got out of prison?” a young woman asked.
He glanced back at me, smirking for a moment as I rested my hand on my stomach.
“That’s absolutely none of your business,” he said as he turned forward again. “But I’ve only been home for two years and three months, and we already have a daughter who’s eighteen months old. Do the math.”
I shook my head as I rolled my eyes, and laughter erupted from the class again. There was usually plenty of laughter when Kane paid a visit.
The questions eventually died down, and as Kane stood to leave, more or less cutting off any further discussion, I stood too.
“Okay, guys. Take fifteen.”
Students stood and stretched, and Kane turned toward me, but he paused, turning back quickly. “Immanuel Kant has some wicked stupid theories about sexuality, by the way,” he announced.
Students stopped for a moment, and mouths pulled up in intrigued grins.