Into This River I Drown

the sunrise

It takes us a while to escape the throngs of people who want nothing more than

to hear our words, to touch Cal and welcome him home. They want him to know they’ll protect his secret until the very end. They want him to know they love him. They want him to know he’ll always be welcome in our little town. They kiss him and me over and over again.

My mother, Mary, and Nina are the last. Mom pulls down the neck of the scrubs I wear, trying to find the bullet wound on my chest. It’s gone. She pulls the bandages off Cal’s chest and stomach (taking a quite a bit of hair with it, if his yelp is any indication) and his wounds are gone as well. “I don’t…,” she says, shaking her head and taking a step back. “Why does this all feel like a dream?”

I don’t know how to answer that, so I just hug her tightly against me then reach around her to pull in Nina and Mary. We hold each other for a time and then let go, standing in a circle with our foreheads together. “Secret?” I ask.

“Secret,” they all whisper as they watch me.

“Cross your heart?”

“Hope to die.”

“Stick a thousand needles in your eye.” I sigh. “I have so many things to tell you.

Things I’ve seen. People I’ve spoken to. What I’ve learned and what happens next. But you’re… you’re all my family, and I think I’d forgotten that. I’m sorry. I just….” I can’t finish.

“We know,” Mary says, tears in her eyes. “It just took you some time.”

“We’ve always known,” Nina says with a sniffle. “We knew you’d find your way back.”

“And we’ve been here waiting,” my mother says as she weeps. “Waiting for you to come home.”

They kiss me and hug me, then do the same to Cal. After that, we are alone. And without a word, we know where to go. He puts his hand in mine, and we leave the church behind.





It’s the wee hours of the morning. We haven’t yet slept. We’re sitting on the roof

of the house my father built. I’m sitting between Cal’s legs, my back pressed against his chest. He’s wrapped his arms around me and holds me close. I feel his breath on my ear.

For the first time in a long time, my mind is not cluttered with questions. For the first time in a long time, I feel like I can breathe without the weight of the world on my shoulders. For the first time in a long time, I am at peace.

“It feels different today,” he says, kissing the top of my head.

He’s right. It does. I tell him so.

He accepts this with a gorgeous smile.

Then I realize I do have a question. “Cal?”

“Yes?”

“Your Father.”

He sighs. “My Father.”

“Was he… was he what you thought he’d be?” I don’t want the answer for me. I

want the answer for him.

He takes his time before he speaks, as if he’s choosing his words carefully, but that’s okay. “He was more,” he finally says quietly. “He was so much more. I don’t know if I can find the words to describe him. He was everything all at once. Beauty, life, horror, death. Love. Everything.”

“Sometimes words can’t show the measure of a man,” I say, thinking of my own father.

“Yes. Oh yes. Even if he’s not a man. But it doesn’t matter. I thanked him, in the end.”

“For what?”

“For this place. For these people. For you. Most of all, I thanked him for you.” He takes a deep breath. “Are you scared?”

I don’t hesitate. “Yes, but not of you. If there’s anything I’m sure of, it’s you. All the rest we’ll take as it comes. Together. If we’re called to fight, we’ll do it together.”

Moments before we see the sun, Cal says, “I love you.”

“I know,” I say as I smile. “I love you too.

“What happens next?” he asks. He doesn’t sound worried.

I kiss him sweetly and feel him press his tongue against mine. He curls his hand around the back of my head, and I feel like fire. I pull away, but only just. “We live,” I tell him before falling back into the kiss.

The sun rises over the mountains, bringing with it the dawn of a new day. And it’s enough.





My name is Benjamin Edward Green, after my father, our first and middle

names transposed. People call me Benji. Big Eddie wanted me to carry his name, but felt I should have my own identity, hence the switch. I don’t mind, knowing it will always bind us together. It’s a gift, and because of him, I’ve been able to find my life again. I’ve been able to find meaning in all the colors of the world. Because of him, I’ve found my home.

This is at once the end and the beginning.

This is the story of my love of two men.

One is my father.

The other is a man who fell from the sky.