The fire was crackling in the hearth, Bear stretched out contently in front of it. When we had emerged from the bedroom, he looked at us as if to say ‘finally’ then had chuffed and walked away as if his job was done and laid down. Rabbit and I were on the sofa, the remnants of the casserole between us, two forks lying in the dish, not even bothering with plates. One glass of wine was passed back and forth, tasting all the better for sharing it with her. Our hands were entwined on the back of the sofa, neither of us willing to be without that connection, even to eat. We were quiet, both of us lost in our thoughts, weary from the emotion of the day, but peaceful with the feelings we had shared and that permeated the atmosphere of the room.
Rabbit stood up and took the dishes into the kitchen, coming back with the bottle of wine to fill our glass. I pulled her down beside me, wanting her closer, and she leaned into me, her head resting on my shoulder. Affectionately, I nuzzled the top of her head, amazed, once again, how well she fit into my side. My hand gently stroked her arm while her hand rested on my knee. I closed my eyes, enjoying a tranquillity I had never experienced before. It was as if everything I needed was in this very room and the sense of emptiness I always felt had vanished.
I heard Bear get up and walk around and then felt the sudden impact of his large body jumping on the sofa. I cracked open one eye and saw he was now sitting beside Rabbit, his huge head in her lap as she stroked him. He sighed deeply and rested his head on his paws, soaking up the attention. I grinned as I leaned over, scratching his neck. “Spoiled dog,” I muttered as I glanced at her. She smiled at me and flexed her hand on my knee.
“How long have you had him?”
“Just over three years.”
“And he has, um, helped you?”
I sighed. “Yeah, he has. Leaving the house before he came was almost impossible. When I got him, I realized he would have to go outside and be walked and the only one who could do it was me. We learned to go outside together. He hated it as much as I did at first.”
“He’s been your only … resource?” she asked timidly.
I leaned over and stroked her cheek. “Ask me your questions, Rabbit. I won’t get angry.”
“You said you had some counseling. How did that work … exactly … if you couldn’t leave the house?”
“Ah. The same way I conduct a lot of things in my life. Via webcam.”
She looked at me incredulously. “Really? I didn’t know that sort of counseling … existed.”
“I don’t know how common it is. When I was finally able to leave the hospital and I came here, it was just going to be for a while. I didn’t plan on staying here. Maggie had been my doctor at the hospital and I kept in contact with her. I’d been here for a couple of months when one day I realized I hadn’t been outside for weeks. When I tried I found it wasn’t just that I didn’t want to go outside. I couldn’t. I knew I was in trouble.”
“What did you do?”
I laughed humorlessly. “Nothing. I figured it was just a delayed reaction to the attack and I kept quiet. I just found more and more excuses to stay here. I didn’t have to go anywhere. One click of the mouse brought almost everything I needed to me. For a while it was so bad I didn’t even go to the door. Whatever was delivered was dropped off in the mudroom and I would get it after they left.”
“What changed?”
“My assistant, Cecilia. She acted as a liaison between me and my publishers, brought me things I didn’t want to order online, checked up on me, and so many other things, I don’t think I could list them all. I thought I was fooling her. I thought I was fooling everyone. But she showed up on one of her bi-weekly trips with Maggie, and it all came out. The next week the webcam was installed and I started sessions with Maggie again. She also sent a local person in that I talked to and who could monitor my medications and work with me in person. Actually, it was his idea to get Bear.”
Rabbit looked at me quietly for a moment, and then squeezed my hand. “And things got better?”
“Not right away. It was all baby steps. But, eventually, I was able to leave the house and move around the property. I got to know the delivery people and was able to go out and greet them without a panic attack. I could walk Bear around freely. Work in the barn. Mow the grass. Simple things I couldn’t do before.”
“But you still can’t leave?”
I sighed and shook my head. “Every attempt has failed. Badly.” I stood up and began to walk around. “Maggie died a couple years ago. I tried other therapists but none of them were right. Dave still comes to see me and we talk but nothing else has changed. After all this time I don’t think it ever will for me.”
“What about … doctors, vet visits, that sort of thing?”
“Cecilia takes Bear for his checkups. I get house calls from the local doctor and even the dentist. Unorthodox, yes. But, at the risk of sounding like a snob, you can do anything when you have the money to pay for it. And, I have the money.”
She was quiet for a moment, and then looked at me, her brow furrowed.