She snorted. “Oh … so sorry, I stand corrected. Two days plus a night. Maybe you’d better check those lists again, Daddy. You may have missed something.”
I smiled down at Jack. He gazed up at me, his blue eyes so much like Lizzy’s, set in his little chubby face. My panic began to swell again. How could I really leave him or Elly for that long? I looked up at Cecilia, and she quickly became serious when she saw my expression.
“It’s going to be fine, Joshua. Trevor and I will take good care of them. You’ll be great in your interviews,” she assured me comfortingly. “You have to do this. You need to be strong for Lizzy.”
I looked up and saw Rabbit watching us anxiously from the kitchen. She was right. Rabbit was equally stressed about not only leaving the babies overnight, but being back in Toronto for the first time since I had brought her back with me well over a year ago. I smiled at her reassuringly. Her answering smile was sweet, but nervous. Cecilia was right, I had to be strong.
We could do this. As long as we were together, we could do this.
I gave up around three o’clock. I sat up and carefully eased out of bed. Rabbit had probably only been sleeping for about half an hour. And, that was only after I had held her closely, stroking her head and humming quietly until she relaxed and finally drifted into sleep.
Silently, I made my way across the hall and into the nursery. The nightlight cast a soft glow over the cribs as I stood looking down at my children. Although they finally slept in separate cribs, they were placed beside each other. Often when I came to check on them, I found them on their sides, facing each other, their little arms flung in the same direction. Tonight was no exception and as I stood looking down on them, I felt the rush of love that always engulfed me as I watched them. They were two little tiny bringers of joy. Every day was filled with laughter and new experiences. Watching them discover the world around them was magical, and it had led to the writing of a new series of books. Children’s books that I had written with Rabbit’s encouragement, that I also illustrated. In the beginning, I had written them only to read them to Jack and Elly, but Cecilia insisted I allow my publishers to read them. Although they had been skeptical over the huge change in genre, they had loved them. Now I was working with a whole new team in the children’s division and the books would be published very soon. This led to the necessary meeting in Toronto and the interviews I had agreed to do, after much coaxing from both the publishers and Trina.
I stood over my children, watching their peaceful sleep, and I matched my breathing with Jack’s steady, even breaths. Slowly, I felt myself relax as I thought back to my talk with Trina about this final hurdle.
“You want me to what?” I asked incredulously.
“I want you to plan an overnight trip away, Joshua,” Trina replied calmly. “It’s time.”
“I’m not leaving Rabbit and the babies.”
“No, just the babies. Rabbit needs to face her fears and return to Toronto as well. You can face this together and support each other.”
I shook my head. Leave the children overnight and return to Toronto? “She’ll never agree to it.”
But she did.
“Trina is right, Joshua. You’ve done so well. You come and go all the time now and handle it almost effortlessly. But we’ve never tried to have you away longer than a few hours,” she said thoughtfully when I told her that night after the twins were asleep. “Cecilia and Trevor would love to watch the twins. They’ve offered so often. They’ll be thrilled.”
“What about you, Rabbit? Do you think you could handle going back to Toronto?”
She looked at me, already unconsciously biting her bottom lip in nervousness. Leaning forward, I pulled the soft flesh away from her teeth and tapped it to demonstrate my point. “Do you really think you’re ready?”
She looked at me quietly. “All that’s left there are bad memories, Joshua. Brian can’t hurt me anymore. The thought of going back isn’t pleasant, but if you’re with me, Trina is right—I need to face it and leave it in the past. Once and for all.”
I nodded. Brian James hadn’t lasted long in Russian prison. When Adam had let us know of his death, my tender-hearted wife had surprised me by expressing grief at his passing. She had stared at me with tears in her eyes. “No one should waste their life like that, Joshua. He had everything given to him and threw it all away. And he died alone. That wasn’t living. I pity him. I mourn the waste of his entire life, not his death.” I had held her in my arms and let her cry, amazed at her capacity for forgiveness.