And that’s where the problem lay.
He shouldn’t be thinking about a girl or a happy feeling. He should be plotting his next move. He should be practicing at the gun range. He should be cultivating the feelings of hatred and revenge—the ones he feared were receding into that landfill place of the heart. The place that collects all the memories and emotions that don’t matter anymore.
“Get a grip,” he growled, fisting his sheets.
But his brain disobeyed, and with every forced image of Brandon, came Regan shoving her way in front of him. Blocking his view. Making Brandon unimportant. Making retribution unimportant. The anger ebbed slowly, further and further away until he succumbed to his temporary fate.
Only for tonight, he told himself.
He closed his eyes and dipped into the dream. Regan tossed him the soccer ball.
“I don’t know how to play.” He wasn’t sure if he said it aloud or in his sleep.
“I’ll show you,” she replied.
“You’ll annihilate me.”
She grinned. “Most likely, but isn’t that what you want?”
***
I should tell an adult.
Regan stole down the school hallway to the office. Familiar mission. Brand new fear. He lied to her! He made her believe he wrote a bunch of crazy shit in a red notebook to help him manage his pain. Lies. His back betrayed him. His back told the truth: Strategic words to match an equally strategic plan. She thought back to that plan and all its fine-tuned details listed one by one. Careful. Calculated. Incontrovertible proof of his true nature. She ignored it because she wanted to. She wanted to believe his innocence instead.
Her eyes darted all around, praying for his absence. If she saw his face, she might back down. Not out of fear. Out of love, and that’s what frightened her the most—that she loved a monster.
“You promised a quick review before our quiz today,” Regan heard behind her. She turned around.
Casey stood with her arms crossed tightly over her chest.
“I’ve been here for half an hour looking for you.” Not an accusation. There was a wobble to her voice instead, and Regan noticed the slight quivering of her bottom lip.
“I’m sorry,” Regan offered.
“I . . . I waited for Ethan yesterday for an hour. He was supposed to pick me up,” Casey went on. “He forgot.”
“Casey . . .”
“I feel unimportant to the people in my life who are supposed to feel like I’m important to them,” she cried softly.
It was so unlike Casey to show that kind of emotion. She didn’t cry often. All that stopped after her parents divorced.
“You are important to me,” Regan replied. “I just completely spaced about the review. We have time, though. Come on. Let’s go to a study room in the media center.”
“No.”
“But we have time,” Regan argued.
“No.”
Regan sighed and glimpsed the office doors. The image of large question marks appeared as if by magic, written in red, one on each door. She squeezed her eyes tightly then opened them again. The marks disappeared. The question remained: Are you sure?
Waffling. So unattractive. The sure sign of a weak individual. No absolutes. No moral code. No direction. Nothing to live by, to live for. She disgusted herself.
“What do you want me to do, Casey?” she snapped. Total accident.
“CARE ABOUT ME!”
Regan jumped. Several students stopped and stared. A knock-down drag-out fight wouldn’t be a bad way to spice up a dull Wednesday morning. They hung around just in case the argument escalated. After all, a girl fight? Who passes on that?
“I do care about you,” Regan whispered. She shot nasty looks at the frozen students, but they didn’t budge.
“You don’t act like it,” Casey replied. “Not lately. You act like I’m some afterthought.”
“You’ve never been an afterthought to me.”
“Really?”
“Honestly. I just forgot about studying. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.”
“My grades are important to me!” Casey screamed.
“I know.”
“You don’t have to care about that, but you should care about wasting my time!”
“Casey, I didn’t mean to waste your time.”
“It’s so offensive and rude and unacceptable!”
“I realize that . . .”
“I would never waste your time! I would never disregard you!”
“Casey . . .”
“You’re a bullshit friend right now, Regan!”
Regan bristled. “Excuse me?”
“You heard me.”
“I made a mistake,” Regan said slowly.
“No. We’re not just talking about one mistake here,” Casey replied. “You avoid my calls. You act like it’s a big fucking inconvenience to talk to me. We NEVER hang out anymore! Where have you been? Where do you go? You got some other best friend I don’t know about?”
“I don’t have any other best friend,” Regan said. One’s enough.
“Then where are you? What’s going on with you? Why do I feel like you don’t wanna be my friend anymore?” Casey demanded.
Regan swept the hallway with her eyes. “Can we talk about this privately?”
“I don’t care who hears.”
“I do. It’s none of their business,” Regan replied.
“You should have thought about that when you left me high and dry this morning. Maybe they need to know what to expect from you.”
“I don’t even know what that means. I don’t know these people.” Regan glanced at the eavesdroppers. “Go away! We’re not, like, gonna claw each other. Sorry to disappoint.”
A few grumbles, but the students broke up once they discovered there’d be no full-on cat fight.
Regan exhaled slowly and turned to Casey. “I love you. You’re my best friend. I know I’ve been spacey and weird lately, and I’m sorry. I’m not trying to avoid you. I’m just going through some stuff right now that I can’t talk about.”
Casey reared back, hurt. “We share everything,” she whispered.
“I know,” Regan replied. She wished she hadn’t added that last part.
Silence.
Regan glimpsed the office doors once more, trying to muster her earlier determination. She couldn’t.
“Once you start keeping things from me, everything changes,” Casey said.