But Benicio and I could not be kept apart. We tried. Oh, how hard we tried to stay away from each other. I tried to tell my heart that he could not be right for me, and that I could be happy with Guillermo. I attempted to convince myself I could overlook Guillermo’s cruelty, and that who he was did not matter. But it ate away at me, little by little. It ate at my soul until there was nothing left.
When he had Benicio imprisoned, I swore that I would be good. I would stay with Guillermo and protect you. It was the only way you would be safe, until I had a plan, some way to get away from him. And every day for fourteen years, I planned. I saved. I went over and over my escape plan in my head. I would take you away, take you someplace secure. We would go somewhere until Benicio was released from prison and then we would be a family, the three of us. We would live on a tropical island, eating ice cream and sunning ourselves in the sand. Do you still remember when you were young, how we talked about going to Tahiti someday?
If you’re reading this, then none of that happened. Guillermo ensured I was killed. I sent letters to Benicio to post in the event of my death - to the police, to politicians, to a journalist, telling them of my suspicions. But I fear they will not listen, or dismiss them as the ramblings of an unstable woman. Guillermo has been effective at discrediting me, painting me as mentally ill. He is a powerful man, but you know that already.
I can only hope that you are safe, and that you have survived. I know that you have kept your spirit and your indestructible will. I do not think that even Guillermo knows how to break you.
But he does know how to break me, I wanted to scream. I was broken. Guillermo had broken me. I had lived off his largess my entire life, and I had been part of his evil. I had been complicit. It was blood money, bribes to keep me from asking too many questions. The tuition, cars, clothing, shoes, trips-it was all designed to keep me complacent, to prevent me from wanting answers that would destroy him.
I hope that you find love someday, the kind of love that consumes you, the type of person who would protect you at any cost. My wish for you is that you can find someone like I did, who loves you at any cost.
I hope you can forgive Benicio and I. Forgive me for leaving you. Forgive me for leaving you with Guillermo.
Yours through eternity,
Mama
I sat back in the chair, my eyes closed. It was so much. I was exhausted, and I just wanted to sleep. I only opened my eyes when I heard a light rapping on the door. Blaze poked his head through the doorway.
“Are you okay?”
“I think I just dozed off. How long have I been in here?” I felt groggy and my mouth was thick, like cotton.
“A few hours. I didn’t want to disturb you. It’s a lot to take in.”
I nodded numbly, and he walked inside, kneeling between my legs and taking my hands in his.
“I don’t know what to say, Dani.”
“My mother,” I said. “She left all these letters. She knew she might die. She knew my father-Guillermo- might kill her.”
“I know,” Blaze said. He stroked the back of my hand, his touch soft.
“She was leaving for me. She wanted to take me away from him, away from that life. And the day she died, she dropped me off at school, and I was too embarrassed to be seen with her.” I laughed bitterly. “Can you believe that? I didn’t want my stupid friends to see her kiss me goodbye. It was the last thing she wanted, the last time I saw her-and all I wanted to do was go see my stupid friends.”
“You were only a kid. You didn’t know.”
But I couldn’t stop, the list of my faults continuing to pour out of me, overflowing like a faucet. “And my father. I knew who he was. I took his money and I stayed. Blood money.”
“Dani, you didn’t know. You were a kid. You had no idea he killed your mother.” He sounded so calm and rational.
“But I knew who he was. It’s why I begged to go to boarding school. In my gut I knew.”
“You didn’t know he killed her, and you were just a child.”
“But I knew he wasn’t a good guy. And then I came home, after what happened with Billy.” I was dizzy, my thoughts coming so fast I couldn’t keep up with them. My head was spinning.
“I could have anticipated he would have Billy killed. Billy’s blood. It’s on my hands.” I was rambling, my thoughts disjointed.
“Dani,” Blaze said, his palms on the sides of my face. “Look at me, Dani.”
I looked into his eyes. He was the person who kept grounding me, though all of this. “I have blood on my hands.”
“Dani.”
“I’m responsible for Billy’s death.”
“Breathe,” he said again. “We didn’t take Billy out, remember? He's probably in Europe or something right now. I told the club to hold off on it. Something about it wasn’t right.”
“You didn’t do the hit.”
“No."
“Not yet.” I repeated it stupidly.
“I won’t promise we aren’t going to go fuck him up,” Blaze said. “He needs to learn how to treat other people. But we won’t kill him.”
“You’re not like him,” I said.
“Billy? I hope not.”
“My father. You’re not like my father.” Not my father. I corrected myself. “Guillermo. I thought you were like him.”