That’s what Blaze didn’t understand. I’d always be tied to my father, no matter what happened. We all have our crosses to bear, and that was mine. I had anything I wanted, but I would never really be free. Being here with Blaze was the closest I’d ever felt to free, which was ironic since I was basically trapped here with him. Intellectually, I knew I needed to keep my guard up around him since I couldn’t trust that he was anything more than one of my dad’s lackeys. As much as I tried, it was getting harder to maintain that wariness.
There was just something about being here, away from everything, that made me feel safe. It was peaceful here. But I didn’t know how much longer I could trust myself to be here, laying in bed at night, knowing that Blaze was just on the other side of the door.
I pulled a pair of panties from the bureau drawer, still so lost in thought I never even heard the bedroom door open. I turned to see Blaze standing there, and my heart stopped. “What the hell are you doing?” I grabbed for my bath towel.
There he stood, shirtless and sweaty from exertion. For a moment, I thought about dropping the towel and pressing my naked body up against him, leading him to the bed, and riding him hard until he came. I had to will myself not to move. Don’t do it. You don’t want to do it.
“Oh my God. Sorry.” But he didn’t seem that sorry. He stood there staring at me.
I pinched the towel around my breasts, holding it closed tightly so I wouldn’t drop it. But I wasn’t worried about him seeing me naked. I was more worried that if I dropped it, there would be no barrier between us, nothing to keep me from throwing myself at him. “What are you doing, barging in here like that?” I tried to sound indignant, tried hard to mask my arousal.
“I thought you were down by the lake. I was just coming in to use the shower. Didn’t you hear me come in the house?”
“No, I was in the shower.” I was careful not to say what I wanted to say, which was that I had to take a shower because I had gotten so turned on by watching him.
“I mean, I’ve already seen you naked. I’m just saying.” Blaze grinned at me, and I felt my stomach somersault. This man was going to be the end of me.
“Go. It’s all yours.” I couldn’t help but smile, and he apparently took that as an invitation to linger. I needed to get him to leave before it was too late, so I swatted at him. “Get out! And don’t even think about peeping.”
Not that I would mind, I thought.
“I’m not as free as you think I am,” he said. The way he said it, regretfully, made me think he meant it, not that it was some bullshit he was saying to get in my pants. I had the sense again that we might be kindred spirits after all. It was the same feeling I’d had when we were fishing earlier today, hearing him talk about his childhood and about how he’d lost his foster mother.
“No, I guess not. Do you think people like us are ever free?” The wine was going to my head, making me wish for things I shouldn’t wish.
“You mean freedom, like work a regular job, with the white picket fence and two kids?” Blaze asked.
I laughed, choking on my wine. Even when I was a kid, I knew that life would never be mine. “No, I don’t mean that. I don’t think I really believe in all that shit. No, I just - sometimes I want to be rid of all this, that’s all. Run off somewhere, hang out in a hammock on the beach. No ties to anyone from my life. Sometimes I just want to disappear.”
“This place is my way of doing that,” he said.
“We’re a lot more alike than I thought, you and I,” I said. I was starting to believe that, and that surprised me. Maybe there was an optimist inside me after all.
Blaze didn’t say anything then, but I felt something start to shift between us. I was beginning to feel something more than just at ease with him, sitting here in this cabin he had built with his own two hands, in front of the fireplace that helped take the edge off the evening coolness. I felt content.
“It feels nice, here, you know?” It sounded lame, too underwhelming for how I actually felt. I was realizing I didn’t want this protection detail to end. I wanted to stay here in a little cocoon with him.
“It’s not how I thought it would be, up here with you,” he said, smirking.
“Oh yeah? How did you think it was going to be?”
“Well, I thought we might end up killing each other.” Blaze paused, a sly smile crossing his face. “Or we’d end up fucking each other’s brains out.”
“And now, what do you think?” My words practically dripped with the suggestion of more. Arousal coursed through me, hearing him talk about fucking my brains out.
His eyes were trained on mine, burning into me. I wanted to hear Blaze say he wanted me.
“I can’t stop thinking about what I want to do to you,” he said.
“Oh?” I asked casually, but what I really wanted to do was rip off his clothes right then and there. We were only a couple of feet apart, sitting across from each other. But the distance between us felt immeasurably far.
“Your father would kill us,” Blaze said. My father. It always came back to my father. He was everywhere, like some ghost that constantly haunted me.
“He would kill you if he found out,” I agreed. “He would destroy your club.”