“Perfect,” I blurt out, “see you then.”
I hang up and immediately call the Audiologist the school recommended to me. Luckily, they can see us in two weeks—a few days before Eric’s graduation. I guess until then, we’re going to sit around and wait, and I’ll try not to stare at Ollie like he’s a bomb ready to go off at any moment.
*
“How’s he doing?” Tosha asked, a couple of weeks after I told her about Ryker’s first nightmare. We were walking around Amherst, catching up after she’d gone on vacation to Maine with Liz. They were a serious couple and so happy.
“I think things are leveling out, finally. We still don’t spend the night with each other, but I think that has more to do with him not wanting to have another nightmare when I’m in bed next to him. He hasn’t said that, but . . . what other reason could he have for not wanting to stay over?”
I noticed little things, like him reaching across his shoulder every time we walked down the stairs. At first I thought it was his injury bothering him, but he told me it was habit, not wanting his gun to knock on the wall on the way down even though he wasn’t wearing one. That had started to fade over the last week, but his eyes always darted around no matter where we were.
“How are you doing . . . with everything?” Tosha knew I cut sometimes, but we didn't talk much about it after the time she caught me. She just asked me not to be stupid and told me if it got out of hand she would call my parents.
I’d never tell her this, but her threat made me really good at hiding it.
“Eh, I’m fine.” I shrugged.
“If Ryker finds out, Nat . . .”
She had legitimate concerns about Ryker’s potential reaction to my cutting. He’d been really snappy with me when he thought I was being too quiet, or tiptoeing around him. My fear of his reaction actually prevented me from cutting much, for a little while.
“He won’t, it’s fine. We’re actually going out to dinner tonight. It’s our first real date night since that party at UMass—”
“Where he lost his shit?”
“That’s the one. We’re just going to Judie’s, though. Not a rough crowd like the frat parties.” I giggled. “I’ll call you when I get home.”
Tosha hugged me. “You’re doing awesome. Just really make sure you don’t lose you, okay? He needs you, but you need you, too.”
A few hours later, I parked in Ryker’s driveway and headed up to his room.
“Knock, knock,” I cheered sweetly when I got to Ryker’s door.
“Yeah?”
I smiled as I entered, closing the door behind me. “Just me.”
Ryker was pacing around his room, moving things from his desk to his dresser and seemingly back again. He glanced at me from the corner of his eye. “Oh, you’re still here?”
“No, just got here,” I whispered as a knot formed in my stomach.
I stood in awkward silence as he finished his task, with the towel wrapped around his waist. He rested his hands on his hips for a moment, staring at his desk, before he turned to his dresser to get his clothes, apparently satisfied with whatever the hell it was he had just been doing. Wordlessly he dressed, pulling on khaki shorts and a black t-shirt before lacing up his sneakers.
“Where’s your dad tonight?” My pulse kicked up a notch as I guiltily realized I felt better with Bill around.
“Out, I guess.” He shrugged and the knot in my stomach tightened.
Something was extra “off” and I had a sinking feeling, but when he turned to face me, I met his eyes and saw a flash of the Ryker I knew. Still, I involuntarily leaned away when he came in to kiss me.
Ryker stood up straight. “What the hell, Nat, what’s the matter? You’re being weird. I’m just getting my stuff together before I reenlist.”
My eyes bulged, with my mouth hanging open. I knew I should have kept a straight face, but serious alarms were sounding through my head, and I knew I needed to get out of there. He’d never mentioned reenlisting before, and he certainly wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon. I forced myself to shake my head and shrug nonchalantly, I just wanted to get him, and me, out of the house.
“Nothing, let’s go to dinner.” I smiled and headed for the stairs.
At the top, Ryker grabbed my wrist and spun me around. Any trace of him had vanished from inside his eyes in a split second. “No, what’s going on?” he yelled like he was at boot camp, or something, and it took my breath away.
“Nothing, Ry, what are you—”
“Who is he? Huh? Who’s the guy you’re fucking behind my back?” While his eyes bore into mine, I kept stealing glances at the staircase we were perched precariously on top of. Not the best place for an argument.